BUY SHIRTS
 


10/25/05

Famed Civil Rights activist Rosa Parks died on Monday, October 24, 2005. Her body will lie in repose at the Wilson Bros. Funeral Home until Friday. Unless some white person dies in the meantime. Then they'll probably just stand her in the back until he's done lying in repose. Damn you whitey! Damn you straight to hell!

[New Shirts, New Wrap, Throw Out Your Old Crap]

Sorry about the title of this section but I thought I would kick it old school with a bit of free styling, yo. Check it:

We have 5 new shirts, and 2 new gift-wraps All are funny like your balls caught in mouse traps Clowns are fucking and people be killin' Erections, new directions, all the bitches be illin'

CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) in the hizzy!

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt546.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.

[That Time I Fucked Jessica Alba]

Halloween is just around the corner and it's one of my favorite times of the year. Last year, I stripped off my clothes, stuck my favorite 6 foot dildo in my drippy gash and went as a caramel apple. Some people thought it was in poor taste, but I got tons of candy when I walked around the neighborhood. I live just around the corner from Jessica Alba, so I swung by her house. Her house is amazing. She lives in a mansion made entirely out of double wide trailers stacked up and welded together.

When she answered the door she was in one of those, "Naughty Witch" outfits.
You know the ones. It's basically a pointy hat, some nipple clamps, a black velvet crotchless thong, and 5 inch stilettos. When she saw that six foot dildo she went right to work.

I'm not ashamed to admit that she makes me as wet as a Bourbon Street whore in a bathtub during Hurricane Katrina. She didn't stop working that thing until she was elbows deep. To repay her kindness, I bent her over the nearest great pumpkin and pounded her with her "Naughty Witch" broom. She could only take about half the handle, but since we had gone bristle end first, I was suitably impressed.

She screamed and she screamed as I gave it to her good and hard. At first, I thought she was faking it, just to turn me on. But having seen her work in, "Honey" and "Dark Angel", I knew the limits of her acting ability. It was then that I realized her nipple clamps were being super heated by the still lit jack-o-lantern I had laid her across. Realizing her perfect nipples were now glowing red hot I only continued for another 15 minutes.
OK, maybe 20. It was Jessica Alba. When she climaxed for the 5th time I stuck her top half in a nearby cauldron filled with water, conveniently set up for bobbing for apples.

The water hissed like Tom Cruise at the touch of her boiling hot body. She sighed in relief as a fine vapor rose from her tits. Then she let out an ear splitting fart that shattered windows for 3 blocks as a huge steaming load erupted from her bowels and emptied uncontrollably on to the floor. She rolled around in her own filth for a few minutes. It was so cute, She looked like a little chocolate bunny; if that chocolate bunny was later dipped in blood, mucus, and bits of corn.

"Wow," she said when she was done. "I won't have to eat oat bran for a week now. Although, I will have to replace this fine Persian rug which is now drenched with our love juices, in addition to the contents of my colon.
Thank-you, T-Shirt Hell Editor lady."

"I'll see you all at Thanksgiving" I said to her, and her family. (There were about 18 of them, all assembled for a quiet dinner.) "I'm bringing my cranberry orange mold." Then I reinserted my giant dildo and I left.

I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween. That dirty bitch gave me Trichomoniasis.

[Happy Hate-O-Ween Hatemail]

----- Original Message -----

From: Kellijean*** @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2005 7:26 PM
Subject: (no subject)

Dear who ever makes money off of a disability that not only effects my brothers but also millions of children and adults in the world your shirt "autistic kids rock" is beyond horrible autism is not a joke its a horrible disorder and I would like to know how you sleep at night making money off of hurting handicapped children I hope your company goes under and you someday have the pleasure of meeting one of the disabled misunderstood children that you are hurting so you know how truly disturbed and ignorant you truly are!

sincerely,
Kelly N.

P. S.: I am also a teenager who frequently buys tee shirts online along with my friends and I'm am going to work very hard to make sure no one i know will buy any of your "funny tee shirts"

(Editor's Note: It is ironic that you complain about our autism shirt, when one of the symptoms of autism is that the person lacks a sense of humor. Perhaps, your brother's autism has rubbed off on you? Perhaps, it occurred when you were having him eat candy corn out of your panties in the back of your parents' walk-in closet? Or perhaps you don't really have a brother and the autistic person in question was you all along? The shirt in question does not hurt autistic children any more than it hurts them when you poke them with pointed sticks. Maybe that's a bad example. Regardless, the enjoyment of this shirt hinges on the person who sees it having a sense of humor, regardless of whether they are autistic. The boy who collects carts at the grocery store finds this shirt hilarious and I know he's some kind of retard. Of course he also finds soda cans, and bits of broken glass to be amusing, consequently he may not be the best judge. But I'm sure he is quite fond of candy corn, so you may find a use for him.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Rev. James J.
Sent: Wednesday, October 12, 2005 3:35 PM
Subject: Offensive

"Nothing runs like a queere"?

This is patently offensive and is yet another example of how it is still ok to "smear" the lgbt community.

How fitting that this came across my email desk on the 7th anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepherd, a young gay man brutally beaten and left to die on a fence in Wyoming. A student brought it to my attention, a young man struggling with issues of sexuality himself. This product, others like it, and the sentiment behind it make my job much more difficult.

I would suggest that you withdraw this product.

The Rev. James J. OCC
University Chaplain
Associate Dean of **** Chapel
**** University

(Editor's Note: It's always nice to see a University Chaplain take the time out of his busy schedule to address the important issues facing college students today. No, not date rape, substance abuse, or dwindling supplies of financial aid. You want to devote your time to exorcising the funny t-shirts from campus. I'm sure the young man struggling with issues of sexuality is tormented by our t-shirt. I doubt his struggles have anything to do with the warm welcome he has received his entire life from organized religion, and people like you, telling him his soul is doomed to eternal damnation just because he enjoys a little ass play and the occasional reach around. We are equal opportunity offenders. We poke fun at all races, colors, religions, and sexual orientations equally. So, until your church performs a Wiccan coming of age ceremony don't preach to me about tolerance. It's too bad the young man in question didn't seek out a Catholic priest who could not only offer spiritual guidance, but also valuable tips on
technique.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Justin
Sent: Sunday, October 09, 2005 5:49 PM
Subject: Very VERY Poor Taste!

I was about to make a purchase from you of several t-shirts, that was until I saw the one about Aruba -- I hope that someday someone puts you throught the same hell Natilie Holloway's parents are going throught, then you will regret you decision to advertise that shirt!

(Editor's Note: I am always amazed that in the ocean of offensive shirts
that we offer, people continuously are able to narrow it down to just one that they find offensive. I hate when these people say that they were going to buy several shirts, until they saw that one that offended them. I don't see why the innocent shirts have to suffer because of a few bad apples? That's like not adopting a litter of Pekinese puppies just because the shelter also has one rabid Rottweiler. Don't you know you are cutting off your nose to spite your face? To help you get over your hang ups, I am sending you a rabid Rottweiler. After he is done mauling you, we will cut off your nose, provided it is still attached. I hope this will help you to be more open minded in the future.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Matthu*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 11:49 AM
Subject: (no subject)

Hi

Please explain the "IV:XX" t-shirt to me, i like it but i don't get it.

Thanks

Matt
England

(Editor's Note: Does it really matter what it means as long as you like it?
I wouldn't worry about something as trivial as that. You should probably go out and get one of those Chinese character tattoos while you're at it. I'm sure it translates to "strength and quiet dignity" like they promised, and not "I jerk off for mooshu pork". Afterwards, why don't you carve some Sumerian Runes into the wall behind your bed? I'm sure they just look cool, and won't actually summon a demon to flay the quivering flesh from your bones and rip out your still beating heart.

[It's Not Over Until The Fat Lady Takes Her Top Off]

Residents in Florida said they were surprised by the ferocity of Hurricane Wilma. Apparently they thought she would be one of those fun hurricanes that was going to shower them with gumdrops.