BUY SHIRTS
 


10/26/04

I just wanted to give you a quick update on our Cease and Desist order from
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I don't want to say negotiations aren't going
well, but yesterday we received a box from their lawyer, and it contained
the head of a My Little Pony.

We have also been served by eBay for our "I Bought Christopher Reeve's
wheelchair on Ebay" t-shirt. You can read our response here:

http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/041025/255747_1.html

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Spanking New Shirts, That Deserved It
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We have 6 new shirts including 2 new baby shirts.

There's been so much talk about Ashlee Simpson lip synching on SNL. Did
this really surprise anyone? Now, if they'd caught Jessica Simpson tying
her shoes...

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt367n.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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A Day in the Life of T-Shirt Hell
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People often ask me, "Antoine, what is it like running T-Shirt Hell? What's
a typical day like for you?"

I normally get up around 6 am to make sure that the children who make our
t-shirts have been fed, before they start their grueling 14 hour day. Is it
depressing to see them living in squalor, covered in their own filth,
fighting over scraps of food? No.

Then I go back to bed until noon.

When I get up I go to my closet to pick out what I'm going to wear for the
day. This can take quite a while. Have you ever seen Shaquille O'Neil's
house on Cribs? His house can fit in my closet.

While this is going on, it gives my Belgian security forces time to rid the
house of any guests who might still be hanging around from the outrageous
party the night before. Normally most of them have already been eaten
by the hounds. The women in my bedroom are unchained, subjected to a
thorough cavity search, and then sent on their way. But I am nothing if not
generous. None of them are charged for the evening's mandatory delousing,
and none of them leave without a pat on the head and reasonable bus fare.

Then I sit down to a lavish lunch. Rare and exotic animals are brought in
from around the world to be slaughtered in front of me for my dining
pleasure and general amusement. If you've ever known the pleasure of
picking out a lobster from a tank at a restaurant, then you too know the joy
of marking a helpless animal for death. Well my friend, you haven't lived
until you've picked from your choice of seal cubs.

Around 2 pm, I go to 1 T-Shirt Hell Plaza to see how our plans for world
domination are coming along. I personally make sure all of the Iraqi
weapons of mass destruction have been put away neatly, and none of the
biological and chemical ones are leaking beyond acceptable levels.

After that, I go to the writers' room where 400 monkeys are chained to
typewriters tapping out t-shirt slogans. I know you probably think this is
not a lot of monkeys. But let's be honest; we're not trying to write
Shakespeare, just funny t-shirts. Each monkey is responsible for coming up
with 5 funny slogans a week. Any monkey who can not come up with 5
coherent thoughts a week is immediately demoted to customer service.
Any monkey who can't cut it in customer service, is demoted to working
on the newsletter.

Then I return to my estate where I spend the evening feeding the homeless...
to my hounds. But you don't want to feed them too many, you need to be sure
they have the energy to eat any partygoers who overstay their welcome.

Soon it's an evening of drunken orgies with the rich and famous; the dirty
and the dangerous. Erotic party games like, "Guess who fucked the hooker
with AIDS?" and "How many dildoes fit in the ass of this teen runaway?" will
go on far into the night. Around 3 am, I lock all of the doors and set the
ballroom on fire. Don't worry, it's well insulated. Barely a wisp of
smoke, or a muffled cry for mercy will escape. Then a light snack and I'm
off to bed. And all of this is made possible through the generous support
of people like you.

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Your Hate Mail Makes Me Cry- Tears of Joy
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----- Original Message -----
From: sandra
Sent: Thursday, October 21, 2004 4:19 AM
Subject: Complaint

Look, I enjoy looking at most of your products. Obviously, in the past I
thought some of the shirts were either funny or just completely pointless.
Looking through the shirts, I was pointed out to some degrading t-shirts. I
found the shirts about black people.. VERY racist. Not to mention there's
other sayings and such that you have.. that people wouldn't be too keen to.
I'm suprised anyone even buys products from you.. with that kind of
degradment. If they do, it just goes to show you they're just as ignorant as
you are if not worse.

(Editor's Note: Thanks Sandra, especially for the helpful subject line.
Otherwise I might have thought this was a ringing endorsement. The shirts
about blacks are no more racist than the shirts about Asians and Mexicans;
and no more offensive than the shirts about Jews, Christians, and Buddhists.
If we haven't attacked your ethnicity or religion yet it's only because we
haven't gotten around to it. And all of our customers are much more
ignorant than we are and that's how we like it. You certainly qualify, so
why don't you just shut up and buy something already?)

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----- Original Message -----
From: <cfm*** @bluebot.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 21, 2004 12:05 AM

I was told you offered small, plastic baggies imprinted with the horrible,
crude sayings we all love but pretend not to. Are they available and where
would I find them?

Thanks,
Chad

(Editor's Note: Sorry Chad, we had to take down, "Small Plastic Baggie
Hell" due to zero interest in one of the stupidest ideas ever. Why don't
you find a great big plastic baggie and put it over your head and play
astronaut.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: sean & shelley
Sent: Wednesday, October 20, 2004 9:21 AM
Subject: Your Offensive T-shirts

Please, Please - there are millions of people with spinal cord injuries (my
husband included) who looked up to Christopher Reeve. He fought the battle
that so many people can't do on their own. Your t-shirts are disrespectful
and cruel!!!!

What kind of a conscience can a person have who would advertise or produce
something like this? Obviously not someone who has experienced spinal cord
injury themselves, or with someone they love.

Making money is not everything - think about the people who you offend.

Shelley

(Editor's Note: How exactly did Christopher Reeve fight a different battle
than your husband? Isn't every day a fucking battle? Christopher Reeve had
every advantage. He had power, and money, and I bet he would have emptied
his poop bag on your husband if he dared to even roll over to him.
Christopher Reeve was not a hero. He was a paralyzed guy who didn't enjoy
being paralyzed. How unusual. I think about the people that I offend and
I laugh until I pee uncontrollably. Something your husband can probably
relate to. I do support stem cell research, but only as a byproduct of my
support for killing babies.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Mari*** @ aol.com
Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2004 9:08 AM
Subject: (no subject)

I am a relative of the late Christoper Reeve. I have bought several t-shirts
from your company and always tell everyone about your t-shirts that make
light of the President. That is funny. The two t-shirts making fun of Chris
are not. I can't believe that you think the very recent death of someone as
amazing as my Uncle is something to joke about. I will never buy another
t-shirt from you, and you will be lucky if you are not sued.

(Editor's Note: You didn't care about the shirts that make fun of the death
of Rick James, school shootings, 9/11, and the Holocaust. But we make a
shirt about your uncle, and now we've crossed that crazy line. Don't you
think the shirts about the President were painful for the Bush twins, those
occasional days when they were sober? To be fair I would be mad too if
someone made fun of my uncle. After all, even if your uncle is a *pig
fucking, shit eating monster who tortures kittens, he's still your uncle.)

*these statements are not specifically about Christopher Reeve as I have no
proof, other than second hand accounts, to support them.

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Special: Douchebag of the Month Award
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----- Original Message -----
From: "W. J."
<super_cool_*** @ hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, October 18, 2004 3:48 AM
Subject: A small favor to ask

Hi,

I have to tell ya, my kids I and just love your monthly newsletter. My
eleven year old is your biggest fan and he always forwards me your
newsletters.

With that being said, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. In your
next newsletter, can you tell me to go fuck myself or something? My kids
would sure love to see that. If it helps, I'm 1/4 japanese so I'm not sure
if that will give you a little something extra to work with. I also
occasionally have hemorrhoids, but not presently right now.

Hold on, let me check.

No, I don't have them right now, but I DO get them quite often. Anyway, if
you could do this for me, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks!

W.

P.S.

I'm sure I don't need to mention it, but please do not include this part in
your newsletter as I don't want my kids to know I had to ask you to include
me in your newsletter calling me a worthless, pathetic piece of doody.

Thanks!

(Editor's Note: Somewhere an eleven year old heart is breaking. He will have
to come face to face with the cold realization that his father is a
sniveling, whiny, little suck up. In fact, by his own admission, his father
is a piece of shit. Another thing: didn't he ever notice that none of his
friends have to sit naked on their dad's laps when they play Mortal Combat?
This humiliating incident should cause his life to spin out of control. He
will join a gang, sell his body for cigarettes, and eventually die in a hail
of police gunfire after an unsuccessful attempt to hold up a vegan
delicatessen. Do not write in asking to be in the newsletter. You have been
warned.)

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Don't forget to get out and vote next Tuesday. It's not that your vote
really matters, but if you all leave work early, my chauffer hits less
traffic when he's taking me downtown to buy PCP. You're doing yourself a
favor. You don't want to be on the road after my chauffer has been shot
full of PCP and is driving me home. Last week he chased a flying spotted
elephant through a playground. It took hours to get the bits of hair,
flesh, and popsicles out of my grille.

Peaced Infection

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