Halloween is here and once again no one seems to give a shit. Perhaps people discovered they can drop $5 on a sack of candy instead of spending $50 to dress their kids like characters from a shitty movie and hauling their whiny asses around town for three hours only to end up with two tiny Snickers and some Smarties.

Sure, that could be the reason, but for the sake of this bit, I'm going to say it has to do with the fact that Halloween has no official mascot. Every other holiday has its mascot: Christmas has Santa Claus, Easter has its bunny and Thanksgiving has its dead Indian.

You could say the Devil is Halloween's mascot, but the religious connotations hardly make him ideal. The other mascots I mentioned are lovable and cuddly; Santa and the Easter Bunny are what allow their respective holidays to go down so smooth.

Christmas and Easter simply wouldn't work if we focused on a 13-year-old slut giving birth next to some donkeys or some guy getting beat to shit, hung up like a scarecrow, tossed in a cave for three days and coming back to life. Bullshit stories are only cute when they are universally accepted as bullshit.

With that in mind, I offer some potential Halloween mascots. And if any of these contradict what I wrote earlier, remember these are jokes. I know every dick who sees a flashing line in an empty box feels it is their duty as an infallible authority on all subjects to weigh in on everything no matter how ironic or retarded it is. But it's not. Just call yourself a genius and move on. Oh internet - who else could've shown us our collective consciousness is worthless? Anyway, here's my gay list.

Hitler - Why bother conjuring up some holiday mascot when you've got a perfectly evil historical figure going to waste? He's already a mascot of sorts, but what are those six possum-fuckers from Alabama going to do about it if society co-opts him?

Evil Jesus - In essence, Halloween is just the counter-culture's response to decent holidays. So why not simply take their beloved cartoon character and turn it on its ear? Evil Jesus might be the perfect representation. Incidentally, Evil Jesus doesn't have a goatee.

Evel Knievel - "Evel" is right there in his fucking name - this can't miss! It's even spelled wrong, which is totally more evil than regular evil.

Josh Groban - To repeat an earlier point, Halloween is counter-culture. And what could be more counter-culture than making your mascot something so synonymous with lame that it alienates your cool cohorts? Sort of like your hipster friend liking Yanni. Or anyone liking Twilight.

Existing corporate mascot - Talk about a win-win for consumption. Santa's great for cashing in on our consumerism, but imagine how great it'd be for Mattel if he was their registered trademark. Or if Cupid's likeness belonged to Kay Jewelers? Halloween should cash-in where others failed to and make Willy Wonka their mascot. Or whatever character represents diabetes medication.

Religious mascot multi-pack - The problem with holidays is they are exclusive by nature. "This holiday is for that religion, that holiday is for this country, my holiday doesn't allow monkey-rape, blah blah blah." So why not do with Halloween what we failed to do with other holidays?

Have a greedy, circumcised ghost for the Jews; a witch wearing a bomb-vest for Muslims; a mentally-challenged, boy-touching ghoul for Christians; and a condescending black cat for atheists. By being all-inclusive, Halloween can be far more profitable than competing holidays. Which is the point, right? Or are we still pretending love and faith exist? No one keeps me updated.

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-----Original Message-----

From: greg

This site is the most absolute waste of time I have ever seen. Why would any one take the time to create something so negative and useless. Is there not enough negativity in the world already and does it not bother you to profit from it.

Editor's Note: You think this site is a waste of time? Well, you're right. But you're omitting the larger truth that everything is a waste of time. It is on this point that I wish to clear up some confusion.

I'm not childish enough to believe a magical set of rules materialized for all humans to follow and I'm not arrogant enough to concoct my own belief system and apply it to the entire species, so I come to the logical conclusion that there is no meaning in any of this. As a result, people with a belief system deduce that people like me are negative and down on life. Bullshit.

In reality, the opposite is true. Knowing life is meaningless is why I'm able to enjoy it. My life is a steady routine of sleep-laugh-orgasm and I never stop enjoying it because knowing it is purposeless means never worrying what it's all for. People who think life has a point, on the other hand, drive themselves crazy questioning everything and the resulting stress is spread throughout society.

So while the cartoon and pot-fueled stupor I call life may not have much upside (beyond personal happiness), it certainly doesn't cause the damage your "worthwhile" existence causes. So all you assholes who care about shit can stop the self-righteous pitying of atheists or nihilists or whatever bullshit label makes you feel superior. Because while you're asking yet another question that will never be answered, we're busy laughing all the way to the grave.

Wow, talk about getting off point. What was this about? Oh yeah, let me go ahead and answer these question mark-less questions. 1) To make money. 2) Yes, there is enough negativity in the world, but only because of cunts like you. 3) No, it does not bother me to profit from it. And, yes, your mom's a whore. I know you didn't ask, I just thought I'd tell you.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Gilamundo

You're being satirical but however funny or noble your intentions may be it does create negativity. I noticed it in your latest newsletter. Your shirts or commentary makes fun of the absurdity of racism or whatever, but what comes back is pure racism without a sense of irony.

You may wink at the audience but all too often the audience doesn't see the wink and they just feel like their ignorant views are being empowered. So they spout off in the comments the same junk our grandparents used to believe. Or worse, lame degrading jokes that predate the vaudeville era. I don't blame you guys, I'm just pointing out the hazards of satire

Editor's Note: Excellent point, Jeremy. I refuse to use the name on your email because I don't want to feel like a douche by proxy. But douchey name or not, I both understand and even kind of agree with what you're saying. It has long been debated whether satire diminishes or empowers its target.

For example, some conservatives don't understand Stephen Colbert is mocking them. And believe it or not, most people totally didn't get what Osama bin Laden was saying. (9-11 was a commentary about the effectiveness of a flat tax. How do you not get that?)

The thing is, however valid your point may be, anyone who has something to say can't be too concerned with the audience missing the point. Compromising anything funny or interesting you have to say on behalf of the audience is how you end up with Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider farting on each other.

Yeah, it sucks that the bulk of any audience is going to misconstrue what you have to say, but the mass audience is necessary if you ever want to make money. Lord knows mama needs more coke than can be provided by the expendable income of the half dozen intelligent people on the planet.

Another point here is one we heard all too often during the town hall debates. That being that the craziest people are usually the loudest. Level-headed people are content to listen and move on, but the Rush Limbaughs of the world will make damn sure you hear what they have to say.

It doesn't matter how reckless or damaging their thought is; if they have a platform they're going to say it. I suggest you just ignore these people, because as dangerous as all this vitriol seems, it's basically just the adult version of a child holding his breath to get attention. My advice is to just let them die. Or direct their nonsense to a place where it won't matter. Leave comments below.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Never Mind

Lot's of conservative asshole shit accompanies your really funny shit. How 'bout something for those of us with a brain that are not passive such as a Kill Bill O'Reilly/Ann Coulter T? Not quite that much nuts eh? Too bad.

Editor's Note: Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter? Where the fuck have you been? Those guys (and I do mean guys) are George Will compared to the current face of bible-thumping gun-fuckers: Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. Anyone so out of touch with real Americans (retards) hasn't earned the right to send us pissy emails.

But if you insist, here are some potential shirts which hopefully appeal to your liberal sensibilities. 1) Glenn Beck can lick my dirty scrotum. 2) Rush Limbaugh is fat. And 3) I direct my scorn at a cartoonish embodiment of what I have been told to oppose because that's easier than accepting the fact that our entire government is run by big business and there are no heroes.

That last one might be a tad long to be on a shirt, but if you ask real nice, I'll tell you to fuck off.

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-----Original Submission-----

From: Wayne A.

Compared to lots of other shirts you have I guess SAILOR TRASH isnt really all that bad, but I am personaly offended by it. People in trailer parks are just like anyone else but they just didn't maybe catch the breaks other people did.

Yeah there are some raceists and alkies but mostly their just hardworking people that didn't have the benefits others had. The last thing they need is another joke at their expense.

Editor's Note: Wayne, I hope you get this message. By now you've likely pawned your computer so you could buy more Walmart brand diapers for your nephew/son/half-goat Wayne Jr., but I hope you get this. I just wanted to remind you to pull your new baby out of the tub before your common-law wife mixes it in with your next batch of meth.

She can't be expected to remember these things what with pleasing all the black guys who were just released from the local prison and looking to get their nut without a lot of effort. So, be a doll and take care of that. And while I have your attention, remember to put a chain on your pit bull before it rips the arm off one of your neighbor's six babies and you're that guy on the local news.

And for God's sake, scrape the hardened macaroni noodles off your rebel flag! Have some pride in your race, man! Even if you are the worst possible example of it.

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[I'm Leavin' - On A Wet Stain]

There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Having said that, there's a lot you can't do.