Halloween is this Saturday. When buying your candy, keep in mind there's a recession on. Those doughy little fuckers won't know they got cut-rate treats until it's too late to egg your house. Enjoy your Snockers, Kip-Kaps and expired Peeps, Porky.

The Yankees and Phillies are in the World Series. Yankees/Dodgers would've been ideal, but this could be exciting. The same way watching the Lakers play the best basketball team in Alaska would be exciting. Who am I kidding? This is baseball. The scenario in Field of Dreams could happen and it'd still be as interesting as watching Charlie Rose and Larry King play Tic-Tac-Toe.

After years of America having problems, the Dow recently hit 10,000. Many say this is arbitrary and means nothing to millions of still-struggling Americans. To them I say... 10,000 is a big number. I bet it even makes your government cheese taste better. Mmm... hollow accomplishment.

Meghan McCain stirred up controversy when she posted a racy picture of herself on Twitter. The daughter of a Republican leader should know better. The female body isn't for enjoyment; it's for spousal abuse and secret abortions.

It has been announced Sarah Palin will appear on Oprah in November to promote her new book. Palin and Oprah in the same room? Jesus Christ... Someone better tell Ann Coulter to steer clear of that studio lest the universe collapse in on itself into a black hole of obnoxious cunt. On a related note, the book itself appeared on Maury to reveal it feels dirty and cheap.

Just when you thought the recession had done all the damage it could, Garth Brooks is coming out of retirement. I don't see Garth being successful this time around. It was easy enough to lower the bar for country music in the early 90s, but what can he do now that Toby Keith has curbed that bar and drug it behind his truck?

Rihanna's racy new album cover shows her covered in nothing but barbed wire. Too bad she didn't do that a few months ago. As much as hip-hop stars love mistreating women, even Chris Brown may have reconsidered punching a bitch covered with tiny spikes. Anyway, at least now cattle will stop leaning on her.

Comments (7) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Peeps fan  10/27/09 3:16 pm
Expired peeps are the best! Seriously, they taste so much better when they're a little bit stale!

Lt. Commander Data  10/28/09 1:37 am
Meghan McCain did that? I didn't know Mr. Shot-down-pilot-war-hero had a daughter. How old is she? He's not young... is she in her 40s or something? I'm not even gonna look for her, sorry... I get indigestion and heartburn easily enough. I'd still bang Sarah P., though...

drdrunk  10/28/09 11:32 am
I have banged Sarah P. Nothing special. She wouldn't shut up. It was all 'elk this' and 'my whore daughter that'. I had to shove a box of expired peeps in her mouth so I could finish.

Emperor Jim  10/28/09 2:31 pm
I'd put my Snocker in Meghan McCain's Kip-Kap while she ate Sarah Palin's expired Peep.

Iman Azol  10/28/09 5:39 pm
Meghan McCain is 25 and does that thing with her tongue, but Sarah Palin does anal. I couldn't make up my mind so I assfucked Palin while she went down on McCain. Everybody wins.

Forrest Gimp  10/28/09 8:51 pm
If Meghan doen't slow down she'll be due for a re-sleeve any day now. While she was all for eating jello from my ass she drew the line at giving me a Blumpy(a headjob while I snapped off the old brown javellin). Sarah P had no such hesitation and both got all "German" with the aftermath of my body functions.... My cup runneth over.

Twoo  11/05/09 9:26 pm
It's 'dragged'. Not drug.

long division


picture 1

Halloween is here and once again no one seems to give a shit. Perhaps people discovered they can drop $5 on a sack of candy instead of spending $50 to dress their kids like characters from a shitty movie and hauling their whiny asses around town for three hours only to end up with two tiny Snickers and some Smarties.

Sure, that could be the reason, but for the sake of this bit, I'm going to say it has to do with the fact that Halloween has no official mascot. Every other holiday has its mascot: Christmas has Santa Claus, Easter has its bunny and Thanksgiving has its dead Indian.

You could say the Devil is Halloween's mascot, but the religious connotations hardly make him ideal. The other mascots I mentioned are lovable and cuddly; Santa and the Easter Bunny are what allow their respective holidays to go down so smooth.

Christmas and Easter simply wouldn't work if we focused on a 13-year-old slut pic 2giving birth next to some donkeys or some guy getting beat to shit, hung up like a scarecrow, tossed in a cave for three days and coming back to life. Bullshit stories are only cute when they are universally accepted as bullshit.

With that in mind, I offer some potential Halloween mascots. And if any of these contradict what I wrote earlier, remember these are jokes. I know every dick who sees a flashing line in an empty box feels it is their duty as an infallible authority on all subjects to weigh in on everything no matter how ironic or retarded it is. But it's not. Just call yourself a genius and move on. Oh internet - who else could've shown us our collective consciousness is worthless? Anyway, here's my gay list.

Hitler - Why bother conjuring up some holiday mascot when you've got a perfectly evil historical figure going to waste? He's already a mascot of sorts, but what are those six possum-fuckers from Alabama going to do about it if society co-opts him?

picture 1

Evil Jesus - In essence, Halloween is just the counter-culture's response to decent holidays. So why not simply take their beloved cartoon character and turn it on its ear? Evil Jesus might be the perfect representation. Incidentally, Evil Jesus doesn't have a goatee.

Evel Knievel - "Evel" is right there in his fucking name - this can't miss! It's even spelled wrong, which is totally more evil than regular evil.

Josh Groban - To repeat an earlier point, Halloween is counter-culture. And what could be more counter-culture than making your mascot something so synonymous with lame that it alienates your cool cohorts? Sort of like your hipster friend liking Yanni. Or anyone liking Twilight.

your momExisting corporate mascot - Talk about a win-win for consumption. Santa's great for cashing in on our consumerism, but imagine how great it'd be for Mattel if he was their registered trademark. Or if Cupid's likeness belonged to Kay Jewelers? Halloween should cash-in where others failed to and make Willy Wonka their mascot. Or whatever character represents diabetes medication.

Religious mascot multi-pack - The problem with holidays is they are exclusive by nature. "This holiday is for that religion, that holiday is for this country, my holiday doesn't allow monkey-rape, blah blah blah." So why not do with Halloween what we failed to do with other holidays?

Have a greedy, circumcised ghost for the Jews; a witch wearing a bomb-vest for Muslims; a mentally-challenged, boy-touching ghoul for Christians; and a condescending black cat for atheists. By being all-inclusive, Halloween can be far more profitable than competing holidays. Which is the point, right? Or are we still pretending love and faith exist? No one keeps me updated.

Comments (17) - View Comments - Add A Comment

palmer woodrow  10/27/09 2:19 pm
how about one mascot for every holiday?a corporate America ad man.

Lt. Commander Data  10/28/09 1:49 am
No idea where you're going with that diatribe, which is probably the whole point :p Incidentally, when the hell did you go PC, Megatron? "Mentally challenged" is frigging -retarded-! Moronic! Slow! Dumbassed! Idiotscheiße (see Dumbassed; German)!

Anyway, since Halloween is a Druid invention, scary as hell to gullible kids and annoying as crap to adults, I nominate Billy Mays as mascot. I have shamwowophobia because of that bearded trollop...

sam  10/28/09 5:29 am
atheism is not a religion

jodee  10/28/09 8:02 am
wow you really just 'phoned it in' this month. weak.

Better than you  10/28/09 10:37 am
Diabetes medication is represented by "Pumpy" the Insulin pump.

Devout Agnostic  10/28/09 11:12 am
Sam: atheism is as much a leap of faith as deism. None of us have explored the entire universe. Therefore, to say there is no god is as asinine as proclaiming that there is one.

drdrunk  10/28/09 11:36 am
Wait a minute. Didn't you just contradict yourself?

2Legit2Quit  10/28/09 4:46 pm
I have a good mascot idea: drunken 18-30 girl dressed like a slut. It isn't called National Dress Like A Slut Day for shits and giggles.

Iman Azol  10/28/09 5:43 pm
The Halloween mascot should be Barack 0bama with his cock up a taxpayer's ass.

Wizzard  10/29/09 1:48 am
Atheism is a Anti-Religion... But its still religion, C'mon the bible was written by 12 Drunk guys.

SwannyD  10/29/09 10:22 am
When you were a boy, I'm guessing your father hugged you for extended periods of time. Not that extended hugs from your male role model(s) is a bad thing...

AlsoAgnostic  10/29/09 10:46 am
drdrunk: No, "to say there is no god is as asinine as proclaiming that there is one" is in no way a contradiction. Some people have such narrow world views. It is not possible for one human to know absolutely either way; you can believe as hard as you want that there's a great bearded man in the sky, or that life is completely meaningless and random; either way there is nothing to prove you correct or incorrect. Then there are us rational people who can sit back and say "Yeah, there's some crazy, unexplainable shit in the world. No one knows how it happened. Deal with it and move on, you crazy fucks."

Some people can't handle not having answers, though, so they cling to ridiculous theories and folklore as fact.

/end rant.

Sorry. I’m just sick of all you religious people, and DevoutAgnostic made an excellent point.

Anna Rexia  10/29/09 8:53 pm
Speaking of retards, Lt. Commander Data, Vince Offer is the Sham Wow! dude. Also, Billy Mays is dead. Zombies do not make very good spokesmen.

Shit-head the Kangaroo  10/29/09 8:55 pm
When I was a kid, back in the 80's, Halloween hadn't made it to Australia yet. A couple of my mates and I decided to go Trick or Treating around our neighbourhood. We got told to Fuck off because it was an American thing. Now that I'm older and wiser, and Halloween is here in Australia now, the kids are stupider and the houses are full of cunts from my Generation, I'm just going to burn down their houses. Burn them all. Burn ALL of them! I am UNFORGIVING! THEY SHALL KNOW MY WRATH! BURN THEM ALL TO HELL! HELL! HELL! ALL HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! BOW DOWN TO THE LORD OF LIES! INFECT THEIR HOLY PLACES! HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! GUIDE THY CHILDREN AS SHEEP INTO THE CHASM OF HATRED! HAIL SATAN!......I wish I was a kid again...

Jake Malicious  10/31/09 5:07 am
I created the universe by farting.

Since you cannot prove me wrong, claiming that I did not create the universe by farting is asinine.

You believers are so fucking cute. Religion is retarded. Anyone who takes that shit seriously is a retard. Stop requiring an invisible father figure to keep you in line. Stop haing imaginary friends past five years old. Grow up you weak-minded cowards.

And stop using the same, stupid, pulled-out-each-other's-asshole comebacks that anyone with an IQ over 70 can see right through as a stinking pile.

Just absolutely sickening you all are.

Wilford Brimley  11/01/09 9:29 pm
Wilford Brimley.

Melli  11/01/09 9:43 pm
"Or are we still pretending love and faith exist? No one keeps me updated."

Best line ever! I never get the memos either. This column is the last place I expected to read the above flame war. What a shame...


-----Original Message-----

From: greg

This site is the most absolute waste of time I have ever seen. Why would any one take the time to create something so negative and useless. Is there not enough negativity in the world already and does it not bother you to profit from it.

9/11 was an inside job...

Editor's Note: You think this site is a waste of time? Well, you're right. But you're omitting the larger truth that everything is a waste of time. It is on this point that I wish to clear up some confusion.

I'm not childish enough to believe a magical set of rules materialized for all humans to follow and I'm not arrogant enough to concoct my own belief system and apply it to the entire species, so I come to the logical conclusion that there is no meaning in any of this. As a result, people with a belief system deduce that people like me are negative and down on life. Bullshit.

In reality, the opposite is true. Knowing life is meaningless is why I'm able to enjoy it. My life is a steady routine of sleep-laugh-orgasm and I never stop enjoying it because knowing it is purposeless means never worrying what it's all for. People who think life has a point, on the other hand, drive themselves crazy questioning everything and the resulting stress is spread throughout society.

So while the cartoon and pot-fueled stupor I call life may not have much upside (beyond personal happiness), it certainly doesn't cause the damage your "worthwhile" existence causes. So all you assholes who care about shit can stop the self-righteous pitying of atheists or nihilists or whatever bullshit label makes you feel superior. Because while you're asking yet another question that will never be answered, we're busy laughing all the way to the grave.

Wow, talk about getting off point. What was this about? Oh yeah, let me go ahead and answer these question mark-less questions. 1) To make money. 2) Yes, there is enough negativity in the world, but only because of cunts like you. 3) No, it does not bother me to profit from it. And, yes, your mom's a whore. I know you didn't ask, I just thought I'd tell you.

Comments (18) - View Comments - Add A Comment

m0x  10/27/09 12:43 pm
Long time subscriber, love reading the hate-mail but was wondering if it's fodder for your site/newsletter or if you actually send these comments back to the douchebags whom send these letters in. I imagine you get some hilarious re-responses. Ever thought about sharing those too?

katie  10/27/09 3:02 pm
Cheers to that one. Let's just hope they remember to use the grammar/spellcheck the next time around.

Angus McShagnasty  10/27/09 10:53 pm
Actually I prefer they don't use the grammar/spellcheck. It adds such a quaint double-axle trailery feel.

Lt. Commander Data  10/28/09 1:55 am
Negativity only comes from people who are acting or thinking negatively- in a way hostile to something. That's not this place... it craps on everything, but has fun doing so. Nothing negative about some laughs... some glorified dildo at the CDC or the NIH or wtf-ever said that laughter added years to your life. You get torn ribcage muscles from it, but you get to live longer and smoke some more drug of your choice. What's wrong with that? Oh, I'm Christian, but I still rock on. I'm eclectic... :D

Arc Cahlon  10/28/09 9:14 am
negativity is funny. look at us fucking goths. dude we are the biggest fucking bunch of negative BS yet we enjoy it and others enjoy making fun of us. pain sorrow and misery equals laughter for those that can not understanbd this. kill your self you'll get the point when we laugh at you

Danny McHaggis  10/28/09 9:37 am
I shed a tear at how well-written that was.

Emperor Jim  10/28/09 2:35 pm
That email is the most absolute waste of time I have ever seen. Why would anyone take the time to create something so whiny and useless? Is there not enough sand in the world's vaginas already? Making a profit from it sounds... pretty awesome.

Iman Azol  10/28/09 5:46 pm
His letter isn't as negative

Okay, it was pretty fucking negative and he's a douche.

leigh  10/28/09 8:25 pm
Hah hahahahaha-- seriously well put! I think you're my hero..

Georg Marmaridis  10/29/09 7:33 am
If that fucking cocksucker believes that the site is a wast of time,then why he wastes even more time to write those lines FULL of homo crap???STUPIDITY IS UNBEATABLE,indeed after all..

Anna Rexia  10/29/09 9:09 pm
Georg, it's only a waste of time to "greg" (and people like him), as he feels robbed of the hour it took him to realise that he doesn't like this site and the owner's and readers' comments. That makes it even more fun for the rest of us. Some people are too self-important to move along, and instead, feed their compulsion to make their opinion heard. Making negative comments while bitching about the negative comments on a web site, defines the irony that pisses off the egomaniacal people like "greg." Meanwhile, the rest of us have fun at their expense.

Now *that* is balance of nature.

ArsenicDrone  10/30/09 11:15 pm
Usually the newsletter is only OK, and I skip most of it, but this one seemed the kind of thing that I would write. I don't value anything written by someone with a view that differs from mine, so I'm happy!

Jake Malicious  10/31/09 5:12 am
You just described nihilism -- real nihilism, not that shit warped by angsty goth teens -- in a nutshell.

Jake Malicious  10/31/09 5:19 am
Speaking of "labels", anyone outside of high school should have matured past the point of giving a fuck about such things. Whenever I hear of people whining about "labels", I imagine it coming from the mouth of fat goth kids, and immediately disregard whatever they have said on the grounds of being insignificant wastes of oxygen.

But seeing what kinds of shirts this place sells these days, and the bland nature of these Things of late, I'm guessing you're just trying to appeal to the "tee-hee-hee I'm an INDAVIDUUL naughty kid who stays up late when his parents tell him not to I AM SO KUUL NAO" audience. Not that that's a BAD thing, mind you: selling bullshit to stupid teens is a time-honored tradition. Whatever pays your bills. Just know your real fans are drifting away.

[insert pic of me pointing and laughing at you]  10/31/09 5:47 am
"if you're going to criticise others' writing, at least learn not to make such obvious spelling mistakes."

"if you're going to criticise others' writing"


chaz kinbote  11/01/09 2:41 am
that rocked my spleen like a ham explosion.

joker  11/02/09 2:39 pm
hiz waste of time iz looking on web sites for somebody to talk to so he can feel like hiz dick friend won't stop staring at the floor

Oh shit what was that  11/02/09 4:27 pm
Why does everyone think to criticize writing when they can not seem to come up with a lame come back or comment?....oh yes let me see oh shit he spelled that wrong excuse me while i criticise his that was a true waste of time woot cheers to me for wasting 5 minutes of my precious life i will no longer get back....Going to go drink another beer and go wank off to some porn

joy division

-----Original Message-----

haFrom: Gilamundo

You're being satirical but however funny or noble your intentions may be it does create negativity. I noticed it in your latest newsletter. Your shirts or commentary makes fun of the absurdity of racism or whatever, but what comes back is pure racism without a sense of irony.

You may wink at the audience but all too often the audience doesn't see the wink and they just feel like their ignorant views are being empowered. So they spout off in the comments the same junk our grandparents used to believe. Or worse, lame degrading jokes that predate the vaudeville era. I don't blame you guys, I'm just pointing out the hazards of satire

Editor's Note: Excellent point, Jeremy. I refuse to use the name on your email because I don't want to feel like a douche by proxy. But douchey name or not, I both understand and even kind of agree with what you're saying. It has long been debated whether satire diminishes or empowers its target.

For example, some conservatives don't understand Stephen Colbert is mocking them. And believe it or not, most people totally didn't get what Osama bin Laden was saying. (9-11 was a commentary about the effectiveness of a flat tax. How do you not get that?)

The thing is, however valid your point may be, anyone who has something to say can't be too concerned with the audience missing the point. Compromising anything funny or interesting you have to say on behalf of the audience is how you end up with Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider farting on each other.

Yeah, it sucks that the bulk of any audience is going to misconstrue what you have to say, but the mass audience is necessary if you ever want to make money. Lord knows mama needs more coke than can be provided by the expendable income of the half dozen intelligent people on the planet.

Another point here is one we heard all too often during the town hall debates. That being that the craziest people are usually the loudest. Level-headed people are content to listen and move on, but the Rush Limbaughs of the world will make damn sure you hear what they have to say.

It doesn't matter how reckless or damaging their thought is; if they have a platform they're going to say it. I suggest you just ignore these people, because as dangerous as all this vitriol seems, it's basically just the adult version of a child holding his breath to get attention. My advice is to just let them die. Or direct their nonsense to a place where it won't matter. Leave comments below.

Comments (15) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Cassie  10/27/09 12:01 pm
Okay so this "Gilamundo" character is bitching about the last newsletters comments right? Not the newsletter itself, just the comments left by people who are pissed off with mexicans jumping the border, taking our jobs and not knowing is that because that's what he is?? Seriosuly, the only people who aren't pissed of about this BS are those who are directly related to the crap in the first place whether it is them, they hire them, or they're screwing them....

katie  10/27/09 2:57 pm
way to prove someone's point by being an imbecile.

a  10/27/09 3:24 pm
someone has to be right, and someone has to be loud. not mutually inclusive or exclusive so might as well speak up. although it is nice to see someone not flaming TSH (and surprising not to see them get flamed back.)

Lee-Fo  10/27/09 6:48 pm
your so smart you make me orgasm, i wish i could be an annoying fuckstain, but i wont ever complain about something that makes me laugh. im going to masterbate with crunchy peanut butter now.

Angus McShagnasty  10/27/09 11:03 pm
A mexican, a Jew, and a black guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

Lt. Commander Data  10/28/09 2:04 am
Satire pokes fun obliquely at its target; it doesn't promote the object of scorn, so it must tear it down some. But who cares? There's nothing wrong with it. While Gilamundo or Jeremy (I sense a schizophrenic individual in him, probably Mexican, who can't decide if he wants to swim or run across the border) wrote one of the more thoughtful letters I've seen on here, he misses the point. Fun is fun, humor is humor, satire is satire. All of them bring a topic to the fore, which is what free speech and the open marketplace of ideas are about. And if you're so masochistic that you want to listen to Rush -and- hate him simultaneously, I can't help you...

arc cahlon  10/28/09 9:22 am
fuck you sunny god damn it I was going to make fun of this douch but you had to ruin it being so sencible and understanding. now where do i direct my drunkin wife beating child beating alcoholic/drug addict anger/misunderstood emotions tooo... ohhh whiskry never mind found it, carry on ^^

drdrunk  10/28/09 11:55 am
I'll bet Gilamundo is a wetback!

Don Violencia Sangriento  10/28/09 1:19 pm
This little piggy went to the market
Another little piggy got the flu
A mexican spread the pandemic
And now it's in an area near you!

Emperor Jim  10/28/09 2:43 pm
What's with all these pussies whining about "negativity"? It's a fucking t-shirt company, asswipe! Who gives a fuck? Why don't you go to a third-world country where people are starving if you want to see some real negativity? There's bigger problems in the world than the "hazards of satire" caused by t-shirts.

Oh, and for the record, a t-shirt can't be racist, any more than a toaster can be homophobic. They're inatimate objects, genius. Although I don't think my toaster would be above seducing some gay guy and then burning his dick off out of spite...

jesuschrist  10/28/09 6:35 pm
Angus McShagnasty, way to repeat something you've seen in a movie! No one has ever done that.

Lt. Commander Data, I could only wish that everyone was intelligent enough to know that.

Don Violencia Sangriento, It's the first "pandemic" in history that hasn't come from Asia, call Guinness (however the fuck it's spelled).

Democrap  10/28/09 11:21 pm
Wow, do self-rightousness accompany everyone who likes to point out things that really have no true meaning in life. If someone gets offended by t-shirts then they probably deserve to have their little hearts broken by Miley Cirus leaving twitter or whatever it is that someone did to ruin their day.

ArsenicDrone  10/30/09 10:47 pm
Wow, what a bunch of terrible comments following a good letter and good response. So far katie is the smartest one for making fun of Cassie. If anyone was trying to be ironic, they need a lot of practice.

The point the guy was making was that people who miss the point, and wear the shirt or see the shirt, get their idiotic beliefs reinforced because satire celebrates on the surface, and only condemns if you understand it. And then of course reading comprehension fails on here and a bunch of slightly different idiots prove the point.

But yeah, go back to making shirts that could get you sued or fined (not being sarcastic).

JOker  11/02/09 2:43 pm
tex/mex mex/tex fu**ing bookmarx

Hector  12/05/09 5:04 pm
Cassie is a useless cunt.

division of labor

-----Original Message-----

haFrom: Never Mind

Lot's of conservative asshole shit accompanies your really funny shit. How 'bout something for those of us with a brain that are not passive such as a Kill Bill O'Reilly/Ann Coulter T? Not quite that much nuts eh? Too bad.

Editor's Note: Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter? Where the fuck have you been? Those guys (and I do mean guys) are George Will compared to the current face of bible-thumping gun-fuckers: Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. Anyone so out of touch with real Americans (retards) hasn't earned the right to send us pissy emails.

But if you insist, here are some potential shirts which hopefully appeal to your liberal sensibilities. 1) Glenn Beck can lick my dirty scrotum. 2) Rush Limbaugh is fat. And 3) I direct my scorn at a cartoonish embodiment of what I have been told to oppose because that's easier than accepting the fact that our entire government is run by big business and there are no heroes.

That last one might be a tad long to be on a shirt, but if you ask real nice, I'll tell you to fuck off.

Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Yuri Tarded  10/27/09 11:22 pm
It's official: George Bush was such an asshole, you can win the Nobel Peace Prize just by not being him

Nonny Amos  10/28/09 1:30 am
^Alright, another phonetically "clever" screen name! Now I don't feel so alone.

I always thought the "Burn in Hell Bea Arthur"s and "Anna Nicole: Thanks for the Mammaries"s tees were well within the *TOTALLY EXTREME AND NOT PASSIVE* realm of twisted humor. We just have to wait for the right cultural icons to die. (Please, no Michael Jackson shirt pleas; he's dead, they didn't make a shirt, it's over, move on.)

Lt. Commander Data  10/28/09 2:09 am
This person simply wants TSH to establish a quota system. The left won't make jokes about people to begin with; it's "insensitive". So why the hell should anyone care about them? They're no fun, anyway, unless they're shitting on Israel, which is very funny... btw, I don't care if Ann Coulter is a man. I'd still love him/her tender...

Colin  10/28/09 4:18 am
I think
"I direct my scorn at a cartoonish embodiment of what I have been told to oppose because that's easier than accepting the fact that our entire government is run by big business and there are no heroes."
would make an awesome shirt!

Paul  10/28/09 7:27 am
"Kill Bill O'Reilly/Ann Coulter T"

Wow, does this guy think that qualifies as funny? MAYBE a kill bill parody shirt with Bill O'Reilly would cut it somewhere else, but Kill Anne Coulter isn't even a joke... it's the kinda thing some guy would scrawl onto the back of their Dead Kennedys shirt or something.

arc cahlon  10/28/09 9:33 am
ok is he pissed that you aint made such shirts or just pissed becuase he cant get more cock to suck? I am a bit lost here. need more beers and guns and vilonece to understand. wife beating is a plus

Dr. Nutbutter  10/28/09 11:04 am
I'd love to be in a three-way between Ann Coulter and Nancy long as I could be sure that neither of them brought strap-on's along. Could you imagine the slapping and hair pulling? Hotness. But seriously, how come liberals have such ugly females in their ranks? Hillary, Janet Reno, Rosie O'Donnell, Judge Sotamayor, Barbara Striesand, Rachael Maddow, Sean Penn, Joey Behar? Please. Give me hot, conservative southern belles with machine guns any day.

Emperor Jim  10/28/09 3:15 pm
I'm guessing this hippie "Never Mind" didn't read the second farewell letter that accompanied Sunshine Megatron's initial announcement that T-Shirt Hell was shutting down back in Feburary.

In short, the letter was calling out the elitist hipster pricks like Never Mind who love t-shirt hell as long as the shirts conform to their political views. I'm sure Never Mind was creaming himself over the plethora of anti-Bush shirts they had a few years back, but was probably outraged when he saw the Obama "Anti-Christ '08" and "Guess He Can't" shirts.

Hate to break it to you, Never Mind, but you're a hypocritical douchebag. Not to mention a smug, arrogant asshole: of course everyone "with a brain" wants Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter dead, right? I mean, why have an intelligent debate with them when you can just kill them? You're such an evolved, tolerant liberal.

I'm a Republican, but unlike most of the religious retards in my party, I actually have a fucking sense of humor. And a sense of humor doesn't just mean being able to crack jokes about your opponents. A real sense of humor means being able to laugh at YOURself, YOUR race, YOUR gender, and YOUR beliefs.

If you can laugh a t-shirt mocking Ann Coulter, an easy-ass target if ever there was one, but then you see an anti-Obama shirt and call it "conservative asshole shit", then you don't belong on this site and you're obviously missing the point. Plus making fun of a beloved President takes way more "nuts" than re-hashing jokes about a tranny right-wing commentator. So grow the fuck up.

Iman Azol  10/28/09 5:51 pm
As a conservative, I think Ann Coulter IS a joke, but I have to admit, the Dems have us. We've NEVER come up with a joke as horrific, pathetic, stupid and funny as "President 0bama." Bravo and well done.

Democrap  10/28/09 11:18 pm
Well I was wondering how Kill Bill O'Reilly/Ann Coulter was humor, that just sounds negative. Now a picture of Ann Coulter on the cross would be funny because of her wanting to be a martyr, and the fact that Bill O'Reily rapes children would become a little more effective as t-shirts. Wow, Its also seems that picking on republicans has become the new "it" thing I hear way too often. But hey, I guess every retard has to jump on board with the in crowd.

FatPat  10/29/09 1:07 pm
Fuck all of you offended progressive liberal, conservative-hating, pinko-commie panty-waists! Don't you know that, while you may not agree with their ideas and politics all the time, THEY are the vanguard protecting your first ammendment freedom of speech. Don't like what they're saying? Tough. Go to Neo-Soviet Russia and bitch about their government.

ArsenicDrone  10/30/09 11:00 pm
I vote for #3. Maybe it could be

our broken political system does not worry me as much as EVIL GLENN BECK"
... or something like that.

Bek420  11/01/09 10:12 am
I'd like to see a shirt with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck fisting each other in the ass, both contorted to look like an infinity symbol. Maybe with Clinton and Obama peeking through the bushes(no not the Bushes, they are too thick to see through) giggling and taking notes (democrats love to take notes, and then pretend they thought of it first. Europe needs to copywrite their political policies). That would be a shirt that would embody everything that our government is: one side a bunch of choolboy prissy cunts and the other side a bunch of fat conceited hypocritical perverts. All sponsored by NABISCO, EXXON/Mobil, and Signa.

T Shirt Hell Hound  11/01/09 1:18 pm
I would buy that third one IF it had that sentence on one side and a T Shirt Hell logo on the other. What a great way to ridicule stupid people to their face and behind their back at the same time. Not that that is very hard.

joker  11/02/09 2:47 pm
dnc or rnc / do i want to b conservative and lean to the far right or the far left hell i'll just b a wig

hard core Liberal  11/06/09 10:36 am
Nutbutter, You're a prime example of why Conservatives can't be trusted to vote. This isn't a poularity contest, you shallow, knuckle-dragging Mother Fucker. We vote for people who have brains. You vote for people who you can fuck your slimey fist to.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

haFrom: Wayne A.

Compared to lots of other shirts you have I guess SAILOR TRASH isnt really all that bad, but I am personaly offended by it. People in trailer parks are just like anyone else but they just didn't maybe catch the breaks other people did.

Yeah there are some raceists and alkies but mostly their just hardworking people that didn't have the benefits others had. The last thing they need is another joke at their expense.

Editor's Note: Wayne, I hope you get this message. By now you've likely pawned your computer so you could buy more Walmart brand diapers for your nephew/son/half-goat Wayne Jr., but I hope you get this. I just wanted to remind you to pull your new baby out of the tub before your common-law wife mixes it in with your next batch of meth.

She can't be expected to remember these things what with pleasing all the black guys who were just released from the local prison and looking to get their nut without a lot of effort. So, be a doll and take care of that. And while I have your attention, remember to put a chain on your pit bull before it rips the arm off one of your neighbor's six babies and you're that guy on the local news.

And for God's sake, scrape the hardened macaroni noodles off your rebel flag! Have some pride in your race, man! Even if you are the worst possible example of it.

Comments (40) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Cassie  10/27/09 12:09 pm
Not the same opportunities as others? WTF!?! You've got to be fucking kidding me....that type of mentality is why your trailor trash, no fucking joke.....Hell, I was on my own at the age of 13 - ended up having a kids 3 days after I turned 18 AND was living in my fucking Mustang Convertable in the middle of winter in NH for christs sakes....if i had gone around bitching and moaning about this ass who called me white trash" and the prick who called me a "whore" I'd have been in the same little boat you're in but fuck them, I don't need someone else's opinion...i can take care of my own so I did...i own a mother fucking house....a REAL know, one that doesn't move...and it certainly isn't because I sat around bitching and complaining about wat other people said about's a fucking joke, take it or leave - no one said you had to wear the shirt right? You really got an issue with it take it up with the person you see wearing it, not the creators. Fuck Off

Jerome  10/27/09 1:36 pm
I had lived in a trailor as a kid and still found the shirt hilarious. It might also be because I have recently joined the Navy. That just makes it even funnier. I plan to get one as soon as I get through boot camp (I'm still waiting on that ship date.)

NO ONE is going to take anything you have to say seriously when you write in TEXT talk. I'm not sure what you learned in Mustang Convertible High School, but "..." is not the way to end every fucking sentence in what you have to say. But what else should I expect from someone who owns their very own cardboard box stapled to a pallet?

Billie Dee Colt45  10/27/09 3:23 pm
Well big ups to Cassie for making it through despite everything- some people are just stronger than others, who lay down and die when the chips are down.

But I kind of didn't get why this dude was so offended by 'Sailor Trash'. Is he a pirate or something?
He doesn't sound like a pirate- not enough "Matey" or "fathom'n'half" in there. And he severely lacked in the "Arrrrr" department.

Overall I give this hatemail a 6/10

Alicia  10/27/09 6:06 pm
Dear Wayne,

The people that live in trailers that are falling apart with dead cats being eaten by rats behind their kitchen stoves really appreciate you stickin' up for them. Way to go man.

kayk  10/27/09 7:36 pm
I love how the writer's mad at you for insulting people in trailer parks, not sailors

Petertracks  10/27/09 10:31 pm
Where's a fucking tornado when you need one? Same opportunities - make your own way in this world. Problem is you pricks are too lazy to go out there and work your ass off to make your OWN life. You guys and your situation are just a direct result of the effort you've put into your own success. Hard to be a crackhead living off social security and faked disability and get ahead in this world isn't it? Sucks when the Fucking Man keeps you down...

Duke Otis  10/27/09 11:39 pm
Did you hear Hallmark was making an Obama Christmas ornament?
They want to give rednecks the gift they all want, that nigger hanging in a tree.

Joey "Big Hog" Banjoman  10/28/09 12:09 am
How does Wayne know when his trailer is level?
When spunk dribbles from both sides of his sisters mouth.

Shane Gizzard  10/28/09 12:17 am
What do a hurricane, a tornado and Wayne's divorce all have in common?

Someone's going to lose their trailer...

Cleatus Hoggreaser  10/28/09 12:31 am
A young Wayne is asked by his teacher to construct three sentences using the past, present and future tense:

“Yesterday, my father had sex with my sister.”

“Today, he is having sex with my brother.”

“Tomorrow, I won’t be riding my bike.”

Tommy Lee Dumpster  10/28/09 12:35 am
You people ought to stop mocking trailer folk.

After all, they're just carrying on the traditions of their incestors.

Nonny Amos  10/28/09 1:43 am
Wayne and his wife-slash-sister-slash-niece were sitting in the main room of his trailor. He sez to her, "Just so you know, I never wanna live in a veggie-taytive state, hooked up to some machine day 'n' night and livin' offa fluids from a bottle. If that day comes, GIT-ER-DONE 'n' pull the plug on me."

Wifey got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. Wayne was unhappy the rest of his life. The End

Lt. Commander Data  10/28/09 2:21 am
I can be a very arrogant bazzturd, so it's nothing for me to speak the truth: trailer trash=white trash. They know it, I know it, you know it. I live in a nice house, have coitus exclusively with women outside my family tree, and drink wine that goes with the food I'm enjoying.

White trash sailors are a perfect target to go after, as are white trash as a subset and sailors of any race as another. They're all low-caste individuals. They probably don't even know what that lovely Southern Cross stands for (I fly it proud, not ignorantly...)

Arc Cahlon  10/28/09 10:03 am
offended by the sailor trash shirt cuz folks didnt catch a brake? ok WTF are you smoking. no joke I am serious you fucking douch. I owned a double wide trailer 3 bedroom with a big ass fucking game room and spacious kitchen and bathroom. I loved it. and this shirt i feel isnt offencive but a sence of fucking pride. in this fucked economy any type of home you own you should be proud of. so to you mister wayne I say. quit fucking sucking your pacifer thru your ass and be proud that you van own your own fuckiong home no matter what the fuck kind it is. and again as to the shirt i aint saiolr trash but hell i may be able to meet white trash and i could fucking care less. grow a sence of humor eat a dick and quit eating your own shit, sinceraly god and me

Arc Cahlon  10/28/09 10:13 am
last comment the word van should been can, sorry being sailor trash beating my wife while I was drinking cuased me to make the mistake, fucking democrats. damn fucking honkies chinks spics and ..... wait shit sorry they dont own trailers what I ment was fuck all white trash. fucking peckerwoods keeping the white man down. go... uhhh what ever opposes the whites...

Aaron  10/28/09 10:37 am
I did not laugh at anything in this newsletter until I got down to this comment section, starting with Jerome. Well done, everyone (almost).

Maricely  10/28/09 11:29 am
When I started reading this hatemail I though he was going to say it offends sailors. But seriously, you're sticking up for people from trailer parks? There's anything wrong with them, but the whole "trailer trash" thing has been around for a long time, and it's not going away anytime soon. Your one man army isn't going to change anything. My husband is in the Navy and I want to buy him this shirt.

Masher "The Dude" Meathead  10/28/09 11:43 am
Road kill; Keeping Wayne and his trailer trash minions well fed since the invention of the car.

Tyrol Jean Whipple  10/28/09 11:45 am
Wayne's trailer park is holding their annual incest competition. He entered his daughter.

Brody "The Blade" Grasschomper  10/28/09 11:50 am
1 in 4 trailer park girls has a problem with incest.

Just goes to show how fucked up they really are.... 3 out of 4 girls don't mind it.

Angus McShagnasty  10/28/09 12:08 pm
What does a trailer park girl say after sex?

"Get off me, Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes!"

Wayne  10/28/09 12:13 pm
Apparently incest can produce children with genetic problems, the thought of that just repulses me, it's just sick.

That's why I always pull out and cum on my daughters tits.

Yuri Tarderd  10/28/09 12:41 pm
Wayne received some great news today.

DNA tests showed that his daughter isn't actually his.

So now he's only being tried for pedophilia and not incest.

Toady J Hogg  10/28/09 1:08 pm
Wayne's trailer park is having their annual neighborhood picnic. There wil be a lot of food and trailer park sports like drive-by shooting, competitive eating and synchronized incest.

D  10/28/09 1:25 pm
Wayne... I understand that you're just trying to back up your family, or say that you aren't trash, or whatever. But for fuck's sake, if you are going to write for a reason like that then at least put your comment into a word processor and spell check it so that you don't end up looking like a dipshit. Learn punctuation, learn that there is no e in racist, and learn the difference between their, there, and they're. As in "... THEY'RE just hardworking people...". Thanks and have a nice day.

Oh, and a little bit of social commentary while I'm at it.... What the fuck? Has society become so backwards that children don't even learn spelling and grammar anymore? Then those kids grow up to teach their children to be stupid too? Shit! It isn't that difficult people.

Will  10/28/09 3:36 pm
*tear... ohhh fuck I can't stop laughing... this page is the highlight of my month...

Whuit trass  10/28/09 9:29 pm
Hes leke thoos gud dam immergratns, thot dont kno fuking enlash. HOS A FUKIN rTARD

Madcap  10/29/09 8:17 am
You know what Wayne, I didn't have any advantages either. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of (i.e. getting a job at Wal-Mart, to make ends meet) but, even I had enough self respect to waste my potential home equity on an apartment, instad of a trailer.

The Happy Leprechaun  10/29/09 5:29 pm
I don't understand any of you people. GOD DAMMIT SPEAK AMERICAN!

Anna Rexia  10/29/09 9:46 pm
How in the fuck did we make the leap from sailor trash to "trailor" (SIC) trash? Jerome, if you're going to criticise others' writing, at least learn not to make such obvious spelling mistakes.

Now that the path to the trailer park has been blazed, a lot of people aren't aware that living in a trailer park does not mean someone is white trash. Sure, the vast majority of trailer park denizens in certain areas are, but let's not forget about the numerous retirees who flock to Florida and actually *choose* to reside in a mobile home. Of course, they do tend to forget that annual storms make their homes mobile in a different way, but at least they're not white trash.

My late paternal grandfather was a Merchant Marine and he'd approve of the t-shirt in question. Bravo, TSH! I will stay closely tuned for when you debut a lesbian former punk rocker turned white trash rockabilly/southern rock princess t-shirt. Then I'll buy at least five so I'll be stocked up for the rest of my life.

Machupichu  10/30/09 11:49 pm
Cassie, A few words of advice: you should learn how to spell. You nullify any criticism on some one else's intelligence when you clearly have none yourself. Here's my case and point: "me....that type of mentality is why your trailor trash, no fucking joke....." By "your" I assume you mean you're, and elipses have only three periods... Fuck, come on, you use them so much you should know. Read a couple of books instead of burning them to keep warm in your Mustang home. Also, having a kid at the age of thirteen... It's called an abortion, you could have made your life a whole lot easier, but hey it's your body and life, you can be as miserable and ignorant as you want. Remember: it is better not to say a word and have people question your intelligence, than to speak and remove all doubt.

[insert pic of me pointing and laughing at you]  10/31/09 5:48 am
"if you're going to criticise others' writing, at least learn not to make such obvious spelling mistakes."

"if you're going to criticise others' writing"


[insert pic of me pointing and laughing at you, too]  10/31/09 5:53 am
"Also, having a kid at the age of thirteen..."

"Hell, I was on my own at the age of 13 - ended up having a kids 3 days after I turned 18"

"ended up having a kids 3 days after I turned 18"

"after I turned 18"

Melissa Martinez  11/01/09 1:38 pm
If you spent less time getting offended over stupid shit you'd have the energy to work towards a better life. I just know that with a few years of really hard work you can any kind of trash that you want.
Unfortunately for you laughing at assholes w/ no sense of humor is free so you have no chance of prospering from the joy you bring to us when we make fun of you and your kind.
And we don't call anyone trailer trash in my house. We call 'em trailer-rattlers.

Melissa  11/01/09 1:48 pm
* be any kind of trash you want.

joker  11/02/09 2:50 pm
din't know they had computers in them ther' fancy parks

Maury  11/02/09 9:21 pm
For Fuck's Sake Wayne, haven't you ever seen Jerry Springer??

Special Thanks  11/11/09 3:38 pm
I just want to give a special thanks to Jerome for his comments to Cassie; Billie Dee Colt45 for his pirate remarks; [insert pic of me pointing and laughing at you/you too] for pointing out the spelling/grammar errors of those who were attempting to point out the spelling/grammar errors of others. Also, to Anna Rexia, it's not (SIC), it's [sic]. It is also usually italicized, but those kinds of word processing frills aren't available here, so regular [sic] will have to do. And to Jerome, although the second half of your post to Cassie was hilarious, I'm afraind Anna Rexia was right about the word 'trailor.'

Heretical Hottie  11/25/09 3:00 pm
Quick defense of Machupichu... "criticise" is actually correct in English. Of course, we here Americunts can't manage to learn English. So in American, it is spelled "criticize", yes. Too bad some of us still speak English. Really, I mean, that first "defense" should have been "defence", but I won't go there. Suffice it to say, if you live in America, you are functionally retarded. Myself included. All the fluoride maybe? LOL.

pappy  12/05/09 2:10 pm
This dude probably writes these letters himself

joy division

[I'm Leavin' - On A Wet Stain]

There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Having said that, there's a lot you can't do.