10/29/
03

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN
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Greetings freaks! Don't take off that mask on my account.
T-Shirt Hell got a nice little plug in this month's issue of Playboy.
Now you have an excuse to pick up a copy. And when your friends
ask why it's covered in stains, tell them you wept tears of joy at
seeing T-Shirt Hell getting a little respect. I know I did.

If you're too cheap to buy your own copy, we posted it on our site.
http://www.tshirthell.com/press.htm

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WRAPHELL- GIFTWRAP FROM HELL
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Check out our latest contribution to the moral decay of our nation's youth.
http://www.tshirthell.com/wraphell.shtml

Don't wait until the last minute, supplies are very limited.

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AVOID LAUNDRY- BUY NEW SHIRTS
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What do the losers on those hit reality shows have that you don't?
Who needs 5 million people to watch them eat aardvark testicles? It
doesn't make them taste any better than they do in the privacy of your
own home.

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=266

For everyone who's complained that we lost our edge, this one's for
you.

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=267

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CHECK OUT MY BOX
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People often complain about getting spam in their email box. This is
stupid. If I've learned anything from all of the devout Christians who
email me each week-- aside from the fact that I'm going to burn in
hell-- it's that everything happens for a reason. If you get an email,
it's God's will. So, unlike the rest of you heathens, I've been taking
the time to reply to all of these unsolicited emails, and you won't believe
the bounty that I've reaped.

The first was from a woman named Doris from the Enlarge your Penis Alliance.
She claimed that she could help me add up to 3 inches to the length of my
penis. My first thought was, "What am I going to do with a 15 inch penis?"
But who am I to question God's will? So I replied.

The second was for legal marijuana alternatives and herbal highs. Now I
don't know about you, but my drug of choice is crack cocaine. But I was
intrigued, and figured it was worth a shot. After all, the NEW 100% Legal
Marijuana Alternatives like Blueberry Buds and Purple Haze Herbal Smoke
were in stock NOW and ultra POTENT. So I replied.

The third one was from MJ32Misty who does not usually forward messages,
but this was from her good friend Pearlas Sanborn and she really IS an
attorney. It was about a little known beta test that Microsoft was running,
where they paid you just to forward emails. Her brother's girlfriend got in
on this a few months ago. She showed Misty a check for the sum of
$4,324.44, and it was stamped "Paid In Full".

Now, I know Bill Gates personally, because we both take our dogs to the same
spa for high colonics. We often chat while having our pubic hair tinted.
So I called him, and you know what? It was absolutely true. I just
received MY first check for $4325.86 and it really was stamped "Paid In
Full" just as I was promised!

But the most recent emails have been even more exciting. Here's a taste:

I AM DR OKAFOR JAMES SNR THE FINANCIAL CONTROLLER OF
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION(NNPC)AND
BY THE VIRTUE AS A DIRECTOR IN THE NNPC LAGOS, I GOT YOUR
CONTACT ADDRESS FROM AN ASSOCIATE WORKING WITH THE
NIGERIAN EXPORT PROMOTION COUNCIL AND I DECIDED TO
PROPOSE TO YOU THIS BUSINESS IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.

I do know a lot of people who work with the Nigerian Export Promotion
Council, so it would be hard to narrow it down to who turned these guys on
to me. I have to respect their wishes, and keep their proposal in the
strictest confidence, but let's just say they want to give me 25% of $20.5
million just for letting them deposit it in my account.

Then I received another email from a different Nigerian guy named
ENGR. MAC UCHI. He wants to give me 30% of $26.4 million for doing
the very same thing. Are these Nigerians the most generous mother fuckers
on the planet or what?

I just sent all of my banking information, along with turning over my power
of attorney to those hard working Nigerians. It's been a couple weeks and I
haven't heard back yet. But to be honest, I'm too busy playing with my
enormous penis, and getting wasted on my high quality, totally legal,
herbal marijuana to really care.

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MORE EMAIL I DIDN'T ASK FOR
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With so many Christians distracted by the beatification of Mother Theresa,
we managed to piss off the Jews, the fatties, and somebody else's mom.

From: Shmuel*@***.com
Sent: Friday, October 25, 2003 2:16 PM
Subject: hitler tshirt

I think that to have a shirt that says "what about all the good things
hitler did" is fucking sick. I hope that whom ever created that shirt
and all the people who let that shirt be put on teh web site dies a
horible and pain full death in a gas chamber, or a fireing wall,
or durring some sick twister medical experiment, where they
take your dicks, shove them in your mouths and have your dicks
come out of your fucking noses. What "good things" did Hitler do?

(Editor's Note: Am I the only one familiar with the originator of
s'mores, AND Jenga?)

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From: "ay****@**house.com>
Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2003 7:23 AM
Subject: fucked up prices

Hello,
Your assholes must be too tight, and they are squeezing off the circulation
to your head. I'd like to buy some of your shirts, but why the fuck would
I pay $20 for a XXXL shirt from you, when I can go to a regular store and
get one for a regular price? I mean, the shirts are funny, but not enough
to justify your ego-based pricing plan. Why do you charge extra for the
XXXL shirts anyway?? Do you charge less for the Smalls? No!
So here's an idea for a shirt:

The Assholes at T-shirt Hell discriminate against fatasses, but not waif
midgets.

So because I wear XXXL shirts, that means I should pay XXXmoney?

FUCK YOU!!!

(Editor's Note: I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly?)

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----- Original Message -----

From: Flor***@**l.com
Subject: Your receipt
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 15:53:59 -0400 (EDT)

I bought my daughter a t-shirt and I do not appreciate the wording at the
top of the receipt. I want you to know that I will never let my daughter
order anything from your site ever again. I thought it was disgusting and
I think you are stupid to do business this way.

(Editor's Note: How could someone be offended by the sweet sentiment
we put at the top of every invoice? That's just our way of saying we love
you. And your daughter has plenty of her own money for t-shirts from
turning tricks behind the 7-11.)

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If you're looking for me this Halloween, I'm the guy who's taped $50,000
in cash to an old sweatshirt. If you think covering myself with your hard
earned money is kind of a lame costume, you're right.

But man do I get laid.

As I write this, wild fires rage out of control in California. I'm
concerned for everyone's safety, and more concerned that Governor
Schwarzenegger's big plan to, "huff and puff and blow them out" is a sad
preview of what the next 3 years have in store for my state.

Peace to all you ghouls, goblins, and other assorted retards.