SKIN IS NOT MY LARGEST ORGAN
MAKE A WISH PARTICIPANT PLEASE JUMP
DEAR LORD THANK YOU FOR THIS PUSSY
DATE RAPE
MY DICK
I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT DARFUR AND I
GIFT WRAP IS BACK
MCCAIN PALIN (SARAH PALIN HUNTING)
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
I DIDNT COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS
I FUCKED SARAH PALIN BY VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA
ANTI-CHRIST '08 (BARACK OBAMA)
FUCKING CLASSY
Torsopants

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Suck my cunt! I'm sorry, I meant "Rock the vote!" And while you're out rocking the vote, remember that every vote counts. Every vote counts as one vote, which isn't really very much, so you probably don't need to concern yourself with it. While I'm on the subject, why does every voter get an equal say? Shouldn't superior citizens have more of a say as to who gets to govern? I mean, to think that my vote carries just as much weight as some commoner who probably doesn't own more than two helicopters... it's just appalling. Anyway, I'd like to extend my congratulations to whoever most effectively rigged the election.

High School Musical 3 was recently released and was a huge success. But I won't say any more about that. If I wanted to talk about things that were just released and enjoyed by millions of teenagers I'd tell you about my stool.

The World Series ended as the Phillies beat the Rays in what will surely go down in history as "one of the top 20 sporting events of October 2008." But seriously, congratulations to the Phillies. You keep playing like this and one day you might make the Majors.

Tragic news from the world of entertainment as Oscar winner/singer Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and nephew were all found murdered in Chicago. I guess the East Coast/Midwest American Idol Feud is heating up once again. I can't wait until Kellie Pickler caps Clay Aiken.

ATF officials recently disrupted a plot devised by a pair of skinheads, ages 20 and 18, in the Tennessee/Arkansas area to kill 88 African-Americans, including Barack Obama. Let me get this straight... A 20-year-old skinhead from Tennessee and an 18-year-old skinhead from Arkansas were unable to carry out a plot to kill potentially the most powerful man in America? How did this plan fail? Young skinheads from the south are normally so intelligent and well organized. I am just shocked. You know what else shocks me? Finding out there are still skinheads in 2008. Seriously, this is like discovering mermaids. You know, if the mermaids were mouth-breathers who sat around in Anthrax T-shirts drinking Old Milwaukee and molesting family members.

long division

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At the time of this writing, I do not yet know who won the election. It's safe to assume our new president is one of two men, but I didn't want to be presumptuous and omit anyone who may have won. Although I did exclude the candidate I wrote in: Mr. T's head on Salma Hayek's body. Anyway, I contacted all the major candidates before the election and asked them to give a brief statement in case they won. Here, in order of "Most likely to win" to "Least likely to win," is a statement from your new President.

Ralph Nader

Took you assholes long enough. You know I ran in 1996, 2000 and '04, right? What was the problem, not retarded enough for you? Oh, I see. You didn't want to have a beer with me. I understand completely. That's what I base all my decisions on. Well guess what... Ol' Nader has no compassion left in his heart for you dumb fucks. You can say goodbye to my sensible and well thought-out policies. Adios, tax reform. Arrivederci, corporate restructuring. You made your bed and you can rot in it. Hey, look at this new bill that just got signed into law. It looks like you all have to gargle with my diarrhea. Fuck you and hail to the chief's nutsack.
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Ron Paul

Light 'em up, motherfuckers! You've lived with it so long you're probably used to it, but it's time to remove the stick that's been up your ass since the '70s. Not only are all drugs legal now, but they are temporarily mandatory. Your Uncle Ronnie is gonna send you all one big fat J and a bump of coke. As always, the first hit is free. If you don't dig it, hey man, whatever. It's all cucumbers to RP. I just want you kids to remember how good it feels to feel good. Take some E and make out with your neighbor's mailbox; slather your ass with fruit paste and go to a petting zoo. Just let it do what it do, baby. Big Poppa Paul is gonna make it alright.

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Bob Barr

Who the hell am I? Does anyone know who I am? I'm the what? PRESIDENT?!?! Are you fucking with me? I don't believe you. Where's Allen Funt? I have a vague recollection of filling out the forms to run for President, but I could've sworn I stopped kidding myself and gave up halfway through the second page. I guess I finished them and handed them in during one of my spells. So I'm the President... Man, this is fucking nuts. What party am I? Libertarian? Is that an actual thing? Well anyway, now that I'm here I might as well run with it. I'm sorry I can't tell about my plans for this country. Truth is I haven't really thought this through. Umm...shit, I don't know. I guess we can start with something about taxes. Isn't that something politicians are always talking about - taxes? Am I spelling that right? So, yeah, I'll start on those taxes. Later. picture 1

Barack Obama

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the American people for putting their trust in me and electing me to lead them. By the way, you know all those lunatics who called me a terrorist the past couple months? Turns out they were telling the truth. Along with your government-issued copy of the Koran, you will also be receiving your new Muslim name in the mail some time in the next two months. Also, via national lottery, 10,000 lucky citizens will be trained as pilots and forced to fly into synagogues all over Jerusalem. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting William Ayers at the Empire State Building in 30 minutes. I hope he remembers the "cotton candy." Praise Allah.
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John McCain

My fellow Americans, I would like to- Oh God...my heart! Sarah, hand me my pills! Yes, the brown bottle. It's right next to you! Just give m- Dear lord...I can't believe I didn't see this coming. I made you what you are, you twisted bitch! You can't just let me die! I earned this in that goddamn tiger cage nearly 40 years ago! You can't just come along and take it because my advisers thought you had nice tits! Enjoy this moment, you backstabbing cunt - you'll get yours soon enough. Forgive me, America. I sold my soul for a few extra votes, but I swear I had your best interests at heart. I know that's no excuse, but in time- Ungh! My chest! Impeach this whore! [gurgling sound]


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