Suck my cunt! I'm sorry, I meant "Rock the vote!" And while you're out rocking the vote, remember that every vote counts. Every vote counts as one vote, which isn't really very much, so you probably don't need to concern yourself with it. While I'm on the subject, why does every voter get an equal say? Shouldn't superior citizens have more of a say as to who gets to govern? I mean, to think that my vote carries just as much weight as some commoner who probably doesn't own more than two helicopters... it's just appalling. Anyway, I'd like to extend my congratulations to whoever most effectively rigged the election.
High School Musical 3 was recently released and was a huge success. But I won't say any more about that. If I wanted to talk about things that were just released and enjoyed by millions of teenagers I'd tell you about my stool.
The World Series ended as the Phillies beat the Rays in what will surely go down in history as "one of the top 20 sporting events of October 2008." But seriously, congratulations to the Phillies. You keep playing like this and one day you might make the Majors.
Tragic news from the world of entertainment as Oscar winner/singer Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and nephew were all found murdered in Chicago. I guess the East Coast/Midwest American Idol Feud is heating up once again. I can't wait until Kellie Pickler caps Clay Aiken.
ATF officials recently disrupted a plot devised by a pair of skinheads, ages 20 and 18, in the Tennessee/Arkansas area to kill 88 African-Americans, including Barack Obama. Let me get this straight... A 20-year-old skinhead from Tennessee and an 18-year-old skinhead from Arkansas were unable to carry out a plot to kill potentially the most powerful man in America? How did this plan fail? Young skinheads from the south are normally so intelligent and well organized. I am just shocked. You know what else shocks me? Finding out there are still skinheads in 2008. Seriously, this is like discovering mermaids. You know, if the mermaids were mouth-breathers who sat around in Anthrax T-shirts drinking Old Milwaukee and molesting family members.
At the time of this writing, I do not yet know who won the election. It's safe to assume our new president is one of two men, but I didn't want to be presumptuous and omit anyone who may have won. Although I did exclude the candidate I wrote in: Mr. T's head on Salma Hayek's body. Anyway, I contacted all the major candidates before the election and asked them to give a brief statement in case they won. Here, in order of "Most likely to win" to "Least likely to win," is a statement from your new President.
Took you assholes long enough. You know I ran in 1996, 2000 and '04, right? What was the problem, not retarded enough for you? Oh, I see. You didn't want to have a beer with me. I understand completely. That's what I base all my decisions on. Well guess what... Ol' Nader has no compassion left in his heart for you dumb fucks. You can say goodbye to my sensible and well thought-out policies. Adios, tax reform. Arrivederci, corporate restructuring. You made your bed and you can rot in it. Hey, look at this new bill that just got signed into law. It looks like you all have to gargle with my diarrhea. Fuck you and hail to the chief's nutsack.
Light 'em up, motherfuckers! You've lived with it so long you're probably used to it, but it's time to remove the stick that's been up your ass since the '70s. Not only are all drugs legal now, but they are temporarily mandatory. Your Uncle Ronnie is gonna send you all one big fat J and a bump of coke. As always, the first hit is free. If you don't dig it, hey man, whatever. It's all cucumbers to RP. I just want you kids to remember how good it feels to feel good. Take some E and make out with your neighbor's mailbox; slather your ass with fruit paste and go to a petting zoo. Just let it do what it do, baby. Big Poppa Paul is gonna make it alright.
Who the hell am I? Does anyone know who I am? I'm the what? PRESIDENT?!?! Are you fucking with me? I don't believe you. Where's Allen Funt? I have a vague recollection of filling out the forms to run for President, but I could've sworn I stopped kidding myself and gave up halfway through the second page. I guess I finished them and handed them in during one of my spells. So I'm the President... Man, this is fucking nuts. What party am I? Libertarian? Is that an actual thing? Well anyway, now that I'm here I might as well run with it. I'm sorry I can't tell about my plans for this country. Truth is I haven't really thought this through. Umm...shit, I don't know. I guess we can start with something about taxes. Isn't that something politicians are always talking about - taxes? Am I spelling that right? So, yeah, I'll start on those taxes. Later.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the American people for putting their trust in me and electing me to lead them. By the way, you know all those lunatics who called me a terrorist the past couple months? Turns out they were telling the truth. Along with your government-issued copy of the Koran, you will also be receiving your new Muslim name in the mail some time in the next two months. Also, via national lottery, 10,000 lucky citizens will be trained as pilots and forced to fly into synagogues all over Jerusalem. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting William Ayers at the Empire State Building in 30 minutes. I hope he remembers the "cotton candy." Praise Allah.
My fellow Americans, I would like to- Oh God...my heart! Sarah, hand me my pills! Yes, the brown bottle. It's right next to you! Just give m- Dear lord...I can't believe I didn't see this coming. I made you what you are, you twisted bitch! You can't just let me die! I earned this in that goddamn tiger cage nearly 40 years ago! You can't just come along and take it because my advisers thought you had nice tits! Enjoy this moment, you backstabbing cunt - you'll get yours soon enough. Forgive me, America. I sold my soul for a few extra votes, but I swear I had your best interests at heart. I know that's no excuse, but in time- Ungh! My chest! Impeach this whore! [gurgling sound]
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From: Kevin D.
This site seems to be turning steadily republican on the political front. That's unfortunate, I like many of your shirts. But I cannot continue to purchase your shirts unless the site becomes more balanced in this respect. I do not support republican propaganda.
Editor's Note: Here's the deal: We actually are gradually becoming a mouthpiece for the Republican party. It's not so much that we support the Republican agenda, it's just that in America it's the closest thing we have to Nazis. We would gladly support Democrats if they would focus less on health care for everyone and more on wiping out inferior races.
I know, I know; the Republican party is the Nazi party like Oasis is the Beatles; but it's the best we got. Censoring everything and suppressing gay rights is hardly Jew-killing, but it's a good start. And when you think about it, attempting to keep Mexicans out of this country while simultaneously using them as a source of cheap labor? It isn’t that different from the work camps. So Republicans are definitely on the right track.
All they need is one good Hitler to pull the whole thing together. No disrespect to Bush Jr. or McCain, but you guys hardly whip the masses into a frenzy like Cap'n Stache (a.k.a. Hitler). Sure, current Republicans prey on our ignorance and fear, but when's the last time they appealed to our violent nature? Playing the part of the ignorant southerner is all well and good, but where's the fury? Where's the blind rage?
So, yeah, we're becoming Republican. But only in the way people from New Jersey support the Nets. It's like, "Dude...this is all we got."
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From: Kelly M.
like school in the summertime......NO CLASS. You people are obviously Democrats.
Editor's Note: You're like a snow cone stand in the middle of winter: a stupid fucking cunt. Wait... that doesn't make any sense. I'll try this again. You're like a phlebotomist who's not wearing shoes: I want to pee in your mouth. Damn it! I've never been very good with analogies. I'm not smart like Kelly.
Anyway, on top of nailing us with that delicious pun, you also correctly guessed that we're Democrats. Just like that other guy correctly guessed that we're Republicans.
"How can they both be right?" says the dumbass. It's very simple. We are everything and we are nothing. We are everywhere and we are nowhere. We are that which cannot be defined or categorized. Unless you call us indifferent, in which case you pretty much nailed it.
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You should be ashamded of yourself regarding the t-shirt retarded babies. You are the reason we sheild our children. You and your kind are pestilence. God help you when you have to stand before him.
Editor's Note: God help US? More like God help God. Because when I come face to face with the Alpha and the Omega, I'm gonna fist his ass hard. I don't yet know how you find the anus of an omnipotent being, but I'll find it somehow.
And when I'm elbow deep in our Creator, I like to think St. Peter will be looking on and laughing his angelic nuts off. Don't get me wrong; I'd fist God's ass just to shame him, but I'd love to have an audience.
Regarding your first comment, we are ashamded of that baby shirt. By the way, how's the rest of the Junkyard Gang? If given a billion guesses, I never would've guessed Mushmouth's real name was Susan. That's just weird.
And, yes, we are Pestilence. And if Famine, War and Death would get their asses down here we could put an end to this little dog and pony show. Hurry the fuck up, guys. Sex, violence and drugs kept me entertained for a while, but this shit is getting old. I won't get to see how Lost ends, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
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ignorant republican cunt. even if you were smart enough to have tshirts aimed toward liberals, they still would be equally lame. your site design sorta sucks balls to. vote obama you bush loving twat
Editor's Note: How dare you call me an "ignorant republican cunt"! I am only one of those things. And since I'm not registered you have a 50/50 chance of getting this right. Oh okay, I'll tell you. It was cunt. However, I do my best to avoid attaining any new knowledge or education. What? It's not like I need to know the name of the Governor of America in order to climax.
Depending on when you read this, I'm not going to vote Obama/I didn't vote Obama. And it's not just because I'm a convicted felon and have an irrational fear of waking up early enough to vote. I don't vote because I don't believe in rewarding mediocrity.
You people don't seem to get that our politicians are going to remain mediocre as long as we hold them to no standard other than "Republican or Democrat." Seriously, Democrats and Republicans could've made brain-damaged chimps their respective candidates and they would've received as many votes as Obama and McCain. Just remember to paint the chimps red and blue so I know which one will better pander to my needs.
At this point, I would vote for a batshit crazy candidate simply because I would know he wasn't just telling me what I want to hear. "What's that? Your platform is forcing every American citizen to cut off their own nipples and eat them? Wow...there is no way that guy is pandering. You've got my vote, guy with a hat made of used tampons."
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Happiness is a state of mind. And it is readily available in the form of marijuana.