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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!



Good day, Hell fans. I hope everyone had a good Halloween. Personally, I'm still recovering from a sugar high. Sugar...meth and gypsy marrow...same thing.

The big news from the world of literature was JK Rowling's announcement that Dumbledore was homosexual. Not to be outdone, the guy who wrote the Bible just announced that Jesus had a circle jerk with Judas and Matthew.

Now to arbitrarily make fun of some celebrity who just died. Let's see...ah yes, Robert Goulet. Legendary singer and occasional pole-vaulter Robert Goulet recently passed away at the age of 73. Okay, now I need a punchline. Uh...how about "He just got Gou-laid to rest"? No? Then how about "From now on he'll just be known as Robert Ghoul"? Look people, it's frickin' Robert Goulet. That's the best I can do. Fuck you, dead Goulet.

In sports news, Alex Rodriguez (also known as J-Lo) has opted out of his contract with the New York Yankees. This is bad news for the Yankees, who've already lost manager Joe Torre, but there is good news. They can sign a bowl of zebra shit to play 3rd base, thus avoiding another huge salary, while still being able to win just as many championships as they did with Rodriguez. Go Tribe!

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New Shirts

What time is it? Well, my clock is bleeding, so it must be NEW SHIRT TIME! This time around we have something for everyone. As long as "everyone" is filled with contempt for all of humanity.

Whether you want to piss off dirty hippies or just people who worship a dirty hippie, we've got the shirt for you. Or maybe you don't want to piss off anyone. If that's the case, we've got some other new shirts that aren't for you either. That includes a shirt that either insults or praises Hillary Clinton. It's hard to tell which since I don't care about people who make politicings for a living.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_110507_news.htm

long division


I'd totally fuck Ugly Betty in her pooperThe nation and indeed the entire world were recently saddened after the announcement that the Writer's Guild of America had gone on strike. It is imperative to our existence that the writer's strike is resolved quickly, because unlike other workers, we actually NEED writers. If farmers went on strike, we could just grow our own Twinkies and Hot Pockets. And if doctors went on strike, I'm sure my Uncle Larry could do his own chemo. But now that writers have decided to strike, who among us can write our own episode of Ugly Betty?

Writers are important because the masses demand that our entertainment be creative and thought-provoking. Since writers have stopped writing, surely we won't resort to watching a group of skanks whore themselves out in an effort to hook up with a celebrity who peaked in the mid-80's. And there's no way we'll stoop so low as to watch a group of materialistic 20-somethings have petty arguments with each other in a house. That's why we need writers. Because we won't watch literally ANYTHING on TV.

Heaven forbid that we might have to subject ourselves to watching any of the thousands of old movies and TV shows that are readily available on DVD. I haven't watched anything made before the 90's and I intend to keep it that way. Let's be honest, all entertainment made before then was just filling time until modern Hollywood perfected it. People in the past were really stupid. Thankfully we're in the age of Norbit and Desperate Housewives. If I'd been raised on Sergio Leone movies and The Twilight Zone, I wouldn't be able to make thinking the way smart poeple do.

Not only is it important to us, the common idiot, that writers keep writing, but to the writers themselves. I shudder to think of a world in which writers would have to do actual work. Rehashed ideas and lame jokes are the only things they have to share with the world. They'd contribute something worthwhile if they could, but they don't know how. Imagine a scenario where Michael Bay had to construct a building. He'd just repeatedly blow it up or make it say something stupid. That's why it's our job to buy and watch their crap, to make them feel like they mean something. Consider it charity on your part.

If the situation were reversed, they would totally support you. If you were striking for better benefits at your turkey-milking jobs (or whatever the hell non-writers do), you can bet your ass that Paul Haggis and the writing staff from Two and a Half Men would stand alongside you in the picket line. That's why they must continue to receive huge sums of money and wonderful perks to do what every tech-savvy teen in the country does for free on MySpace and YouTube.

Of course, the bigger issue here is not writing, but the concept of the strike itself. People should strike for any and all things whenever they see fit. It doesn't matter if they get everything they were told they would get when they signed on. If the threat of a work stoppage can get you more stuff, you should do it. Don't like wearing clothes to work? Strike for a nudity option. Insulted by the fact that your boss has green eyes? Strike and force him to wear contacts.

Treat the corporation generous enough to employ you the way you treat everything else in life. Don't adjust to fit into the environment which you are in. Make the environment adjust to you. That has worked out great for the planet's ecosystem, and it will work great at your job. So get to striking. You haven't earned it, and you don't deserve it, but you can damn sure get it.

(And, yes, I get the irony here. And, yes, go fuck yourself.)


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