Good day, Hell fans. I hope everyone had a good Halloween. Personally, I'm still recovering from a sugar high. Sugar...meth and gypsy marrow...same thing.
The big news from the world of literature was JK Rowling's announcement that Dumbledore was homosexual. Not to be outdone, the guy who wrote the Bible just announced that Jesus had a circle jerk with Judas and Matthew.
Now to arbitrarily make fun of some celebrity who just died. Let's see...ah yes, Robert Goulet. Legendary singer and occasional pole-vaulter Robert Goulet recently passed away at the age of 73. Okay, now I need a punchline. Uh...how about "He just got Gou-laid to rest"? No? Then how about "From now on he'll just be known as Robert Ghoul"? Look people, it's frickin' Robert Goulet. That's the best I can do. Fuck you, dead Goulet.
In sports news, Alex Rodriguez (also known as J-Lo) has opted out of his contract with the New York Yankees. This is bad news for the Yankees, who've already lost manager Joe Torre, but there is good news. They can sign a bowl of zebra shit to play 3rd base, thus avoiding another huge salary, while still being able to win just as many championships as they did with Rodriguez. Go Tribe!
What time is it? Well, my clock is bleeding, so it must be NEW SHIRT TIME! This time around we have something for everyone. As long as "everyone" is filled with contempt for all of humanity.
Whether you want to piss off dirty hippies or just people who worship a dirty hippie, we've got the shirt for you. Or maybe you don't want to piss off anyone. If that's the case, we've got some other new shirts that aren't for you either. That includes a shirt that either insults or praises Hillary Clinton. It's hard to tell which since I don't care about people who make politicings for a living.
All of our new shirts are here:
The nation and indeed the entire world were recently saddened after the announcement that the Writer's Guild of America had gone on strike. It is imperative to our existence that the writer's strike is resolved quickly, because unlike other workers, we actually NEED writers. If farmers went on strike, we could just grow our own Twinkies and Hot Pockets. And if doctors went on strike, I'm sure my Uncle Larry could do his own chemo. But now that writers have decided to strike, who among us can write our own episode of Ugly Betty?
Writers are important because the masses demand that our entertainment be creative and thought-provoking. Since writers have stopped writing, surely we won't resort to watching a group of skanks whore themselves out in an effort to hook up with a celebrity who peaked in the mid-80's. And there's no way we'll stoop so low as to watch a group of materialistic 20-somethings have petty arguments with each other in a house. That's why we need writers. Because we won't watch literally ANYTHING on TV.
Heaven forbid that we might have to subject ourselves to watching any of the thousands of old movies and TV shows that are readily available on DVD. I haven't watched anything made before the 90's and I intend to keep it that way. Let's be honest, all entertainment made before then was just filling time until modern Hollywood perfected it. People in the past were really stupid. Thankfully we're in the age of Norbit and Desperate Housewives. If I'd been raised on Sergio Leone movies and The Twilight Zone, I wouldn't be able to make thinking the way smart poeple do.
Not only is it important to us, the common idiot, that writers keep writing, but to the writers themselves. I shudder to think of a world in which writers would have to do actual work. Rehashed ideas and lame jokes are the only things they have to share with the world. They'd contribute something worthwhile if they could, but they don't know how. Imagine a scenario where Michael Bay had to construct a building. He'd just repeatedly blow it up or make it say something stupid. That's why it's our job to buy and watch their crap, to make them feel like they mean something. Consider it charity on your part.
If the situation were reversed, they would totally support you. If you were striking for better benefits at your turkey-milking jobs (or whatever the hell non-writers do), you can bet your ass that Paul Haggis and the writing staff from Two and a Half Men would stand alongside you in the picket line. That's why they must continue to receive huge sums of money and wonderful perks to do what every tech-savvy teen in the country does for free on MySpace and YouTube.
Of course, the bigger issue here is not writing, but the concept of the strike itself. People should strike for any and all things whenever they see fit. It doesn't matter if they get everything they were told they would get when they signed on. If the threat of a work stoppage can get you more stuff, you should do it. Don't like wearing clothes to work? Strike for a nudity option. Insulted by the fact that your boss has green eyes? Strike and force him to wear contacts.
Treat the corporation generous enough to employ you the way you treat everything else in life. Don't adjust to fit into the environment which you are in. Make the environment adjust to you. That has worked out great for the planet's ecosystem, and it will work great at your job. So get to striking. You haven't earned it, and you don't deserve it, but you can damn sure get it.
(And, yes, I get the irony here. And, yes, go fuck yourself.)
Comments (25) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Tara S.
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2007
Subject: I'M NOT AN AMBULANCE T-SHIRT
Your tshirts are amazing! We were looking at them at work and were curious to the humor behind the t-shirt that says "I'm not an ambulance" printed backwards. Just curious, thanks!
Editor's Note: You were looking at our shirts at work? It must have been a slow day at the "Learn How to Velcro Your Shoes Factory." But seriously, I'm glad you were able to find a job. I'd hate to think there were Wal-Mart shoppers who weren't getting smiled at.
Okay, if you must know, I'd be happy to explain that shirt to you. You see, ambulances have the word "AMBULANCE" printed on them backward to make it easier for drivers to identify them when they view them in their rearview mirrors. So the punchline is that Tara S. is a stupid fucking cunt who should be beaten to death with a bag full of old sewing machine parts.
Get it? In any case, we're working on a shirt that just makes fart noises so we can avoid problems like this in the future. Bye, retard that retards feel sorry for.
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From: cp***92 @ ya***.com
Sent: Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Subject: Slavery Gets S**t Done shirt
I believe in freedom of speech, but THIS SHIRT IS HORRIBLE AND NEEDS REMOVED. There is NO humor in the concept of slavery. I am completely outraged by this shirt. PLEASE, if you have any morals at all you will remove this shirt and refuse to print them!
Editor's Note: You know, it's funny...so many people believe in freedom of speech and I don't even believe in freedom of people. Maybe we can make that a tradeoff. People can say anything they want at all times, but they have to say it to themselves from behind bars or shackled up in a shed.
That's right. I want to bring back slavery. And please don't jump to the conclusion that I'm being racist. We shouldn't enslave people based on skin color. We should only enslave them if they like basketball, hip-hop and crack.
By the way, your hope that we will remove that shirt is based on the most implausible hypothetical in history. IF we had any morals? Are you fucking kidding me? Not only do we not have morals, we took them behind a barn, poured battery acid on them, raped and then burned them. Take that, morals. Point being that if we gave a shit about you vaginas we wouldn't design the shirts in the first place. Later, Chad. Have fun wasting your life. I mean fighting for morality.
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From: Christie M.
Sent: Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Subject: cancer shirt...not good!!!
i have been a huge fan and a customer for over four years now, but i have to say there is one shirt that is really offensive! i am sure not just to me but many other "women" who are fans of your work! your supporting cancer, but too bad i don't f*ck bald chics really hurts.
i lost my mother to cancer, and she was damn near bald when she passed away, and i have had to pretty much endure the same deal with cancer myself at the age of 28. please reconsider that shirt, and any future "jokes" you may have on the subject.
a loyal fan, actually in tears and still a customer for now...
Editor's Note: Oh God...your tears are so delicious...oh, please keep weeping...yeah, that's it, stick your moral indignation right there...Yes! Mmm, it tastes like despair and faulty cell structure...just a little more...okay, I'm done. Now wipe that shit up.
Isn't it about time you stopped lying to yourself? C'mon...you "lost" your mother to cancer? You know damn well she killed herself. If the empty pill bottle didn't tip you off the note reading "Can't live with myself after bringing her into the world" certainly should have.
Why is it that people with cancer seem to hold the monopoly on complaining? We have plenty of shirts about sex and alcohol, but we never get any hate mail saying "I like sex and alcohol. You should remove that shirt." I suppose it's because God only gives cancer to bitches. Or, to consider the more scientific point of view, whatever chemical causes bitchiness also causes cancer. I guess I'll never know. But it's enough for me just to know that you're dying.
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From: Daniel B.
Sent: Friday, October 26, 2007
hey. I just wanted to comment on the "abort born again Christians" shirt. I'm a Christian and a fairly regular visitor on your site, I didn't really mind all the other shirts poking fun at Christianity, because i get the fact that you need a sense of humor and tolerance and what not, but i feel that this latest design has crossed the line and is too offensive for me.
I'm sure that is great news for you, as offensive is the goal but with this one, you lost a customer. I'm not going to spend my money supporting a site that bashes my beliefs.
PS I'm also quite sure that this email might end up in the newsletter, so I did my best to watch my grammar and spelling, but there might be some mistakes. After all, I'm just an ignorant member of the religious right.
Editor's Note: I would've been less concerned about the grammar and spelling and more concerned with the fact that everything I just wrote is so nonsensical that it would sound like the product of a retarded lemur even if the English professor at Harvard wrote it.
Enough with you Bill O'Reilly Juniors trying to be dismissive of someone who has a differing opinion by making it seem like we look down you. Saying something like "I'm just an ignorant member of the religious right" is a decent defense for a 10-year-old, but coming from an adult (in body if not in mind) it comes across as a pathetic attempt to garner some pity for someone who has nothing intelligent to say.
Meaning you can't just sarcastically repeat the argument against you to make it seem okay. "Oh, my priest touches little boys. I guess HE'S the bad guy. Oh, I don't believe science that proves mankind evolved from primitive beings. I guess I'M the idiot." Yeah, you are the fucking idiot. And trying to get someone to feel like they need to apologize for their intellect just further proves your idiocy.
So, yeah, you're an idiot. But it does suck that we won't be getting any more of your money due to bashing your beliefs. Hey, it could've been worse. We could've bashed getting touched inappropriately by a relative or pleasing yourself near a playground.
PS - Forgive me if I was out of line. After all, I'm just someone who develops opinions and judgments based on facts and statistical information.
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Veni (On Your Tits), Vidi, Vici
Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Fortunately, the guy that wears the crown can hire someone to hold his head up for him. And play with his balls.