The Early November Thing
Politicians and pundits are making stupid statements and that can only mean one thing - they still exist. Yes, we are in the midst of another election season. With television shows and movies getting worse every year, it's good to know there are still people in Washington that can keep me consistently entertained.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in a few days, so make sure you buy them a wedding present before it's too late. I believe they are registered at the Crazy Asshole Superstore located on planet Omicron Percei 8.
And in the saddest news of all time, Bob Barker announced that he is retiring in June. We'll miss you, Bob. But not nearly as much as I'll miss the virgin sacrifices I performed during Plinko.
Before we continue with this week's "Thing", here's your big chance to get that $5,000,000 budget to fund those HD quality documentaries you've been wanting to make ("The Theory of Evolution and/or Cheetos", "The impact the Civil War had on my kidneys").
Newer Than Hell, More Festive Than Hell, Worse Than Hell
I can't bring our new shirts on a plane because they are the bomb. It's the same reason I couldn't bring my bomb on a plane. Anyway, we have a huge selection to choose from this week. We have a new Saddam hanging shirt and a shirt that is a response to The Gap's new PRODUCT (RED) t-shirt line. If you haven't heard about PRODUCT (RED), well...we'll sum it up for you in one word...RETAR(DED).
We've also brought back several of our classic holiday designs and even added a brand-new one. Whether you're Christian, Jewish or miscellaneous, we've got the shirt for you this holiday season. And we invite atheists to purchase a few for the sake of being ironic.
As if that wasn't already more than enough for you pitiful souls, we've also brought back several of our classic over-the-edge designs in our 'Bowels of Hell' section. Just in time to remind us how funny homophobia, misogyny, debilitating disease, racism and natural disasters can be.
All of our new shirts are here:
Douche-nited States of America
The midterm elections will be held this week. At the time I am writing this, I do not know who has won, but if history is any indication, every single person I am rooting for will win. This may sound unbelievable, but ever since I can remember, every time an election has been held in this country, the candidate I supported was elected.
You probably think this is impossible. After all, a large variety of politicians have been elected over the years and they've all belonged to various political parties and had varying viewpoints. That may be the case, but nevertheless, I have never been disappointed after an election.
The reason for this is very simple. While other people are busy lobbying for a certain party or ideology, I simply support douchebags. That has been my platform ever since I have been old enough to make an informed decision. Year after year, I rally behind douchebags, and year after year, they are victorious.
That is why I believe I will once again be pleased with this years' outcome. I've read up on some of the candidates and kept a close eye on the news, and I have every reason to believe that douchebags will sweep the board once again this year. Every single nominee, regardless of their personal beliefs, is telling us what we want to hear. If that's not a douchebag, I don't know what is.
In 2004, the election was pretty evenly split. Regardless of who ended up as president that year, roughly half of the country was going to be disappointed. George W. Bush was ultimately elected, but it could just as easily have been John Kerry. Fifty percent of America was going to be upset in either case. This is where standing behind douchebags comes in handy. Whether it was Bush or Kerry, I was all set. Bush vs. Kerry - douchebag wins, plain and simple.
Rarely, and I do mean rarely, there is a candidate that doesn't appear to be a douchebag. He or she will tell it like it is and stand firmly by their beliefs. When one of those candidates wins, I feel let down. It's as if the whole system has broken down. I imagine them doing what's best for their country, regardless of political affiliation, and my heart just sinks. But then, lo and behold, it turns out they were full of shit and they're a douchebag after all. I've seen this happen often enough that I'm used to it, but when you initially hop on board with the douchebags it can be frustrating.
The best part is that I don't even have to vote. I just sit on my ass on election day and millions of other people elect a douchebag for me. I don't even think they're aware that they're doing it. They're under the impression that they're electing a conservative who's going to restore our values or a liberal who is going to help us progress. Little do they know that all their efforts are going to put a douchebag in office either way. So I'd like to thank you all for taking care of that for me.
Now, I'm not saying my way is the only way. The great thing about America is that we're allowed our own voice and opinions. If you want to vote Republican, be my guest. If you want to vote Democratic, be my guest. The same goes for Independents, Libertarians, Nazis and all the rest. You have every right to make your voice heard. It's just a shame that no one will listen.
P.S. - You were supposed to take a shot every time you read the word douchebag.
Planting Seeds of Hate - Harvesting My Clones in 10 Months
From: Matt D.
Sent: Thursday, September 14, 2006
throw it up your arse!...i sent you some brilliant ideas for t shirts.....how many responses other than this shitty automated one?...fucking zero.....ram my intelligence up your arse
(Editor's Note: If your email is any kind of indication, I'm not even sure I'd notice it if you rammed your intelligence up my arse. I'm thinking it would probably be similar to getting ass-raped by a piece of uncooked angel hair pasta. I'm a gal that generally loves getting things rammed up her arse, but your tiny intelligence can go rot in hell with my ex-boyfriend's tiny 9-inch cock.
And as far as responding to your ideas goes, if I had it my way, the only response you would get is a letter-bomb covered with anthrax and AIDS. You fuckers that submit "Rehab is for quitters," or any other slogans you try to pass off as your own, don't deserve the pleasure of my newsletter. So just be thankful you receive a polite, dignified automated response, instead of the strangling and forced sodomy you so richly deserve.)
From: Bma**** @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006
i received an email from a friend with baby t-shirts which I thought were really cute and intended to pass them on until I came to the one that said"THEY SHAKE ME" I am the grandmother of a shaken baby who is now 13 years old and is totally dependent for everything, is legally blind, has seizures, cerebral palsy cannot walk, talk, and functions on the level of a 6 month old baby because of the brain damage she sustained when she was shaken.
And she was one of the lucky ones - she lived. Please discontinue selling that shirt out of respect for all the shaken babies out there and families, especially of those that died. Thank you.
Barb A. grandmother of Chrissy, shaken at 4 months old
(Editor's note: First of all, I don't think you know what the word 'lucky' means. You can't give me a list of twenty things wrong with somebody and then claim that they're lucky just because they're not dead. Either you believe we go to heaven when we die or you believe we just rot in the ground and feel nothing. Either way, it's a better option than a life of misery.
Then again, maybe she is lucky. We see someone with all these "problems" and assume they have it bad, but we don't know what's going on inside their brains. It could be like a circus combined with a dozen orgasms in her head and we'd never know it. If nothing else, at least she's lucky enough to not be aware of what a dumb bitch her grandma is.
But I don't want to leave you on a down note, Barb. I'd like to help. Have you ever considered shaking her again? She's 13 now, so it may be too late, but who knows? Maybe shaking a shaken baby a second time will undo the damage. Kind of like kicking a TV. A blind, drooling TV.)
From: CEM** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, September 29, 2006
Subject: Breast cancer shirt
I am a pretty easy going guy and thing a lot of your shirts are funny as hell. The breast cancer shirt pissed me off, a very hard thing to do. My wife had the pleasure of getting breast cancer in 1998. And for all of you morons out there, she had quite a set. She had her left breast removed (one of my favorites) had chemotherapy and radiation. Got very SICK and wished she would die. Finally got better and went on with life.
6 years later the cancer came back in her bones, yes, breast cancer in her bones. Up and down her spine, in her ribs (so every breath she took was agony) in all of the big joints in her body, just a ton of fun. Now the fucking breast cancer is attacking her lungs and she's had over a gallon of this yellow fluid drained out of her lungs. She has a hell of a time breathing, still has chemo once a week, and still wishes she was dead a lot of the time. She is in pain that would probably kill most people 24/7.
That's how funny breast cancer is. A lot of your sick shit makes me laugh but this one pisses me off. I know you don't give a shit and will come up with some lame assed response to my little note which I probably wont think is funny either, if you have the guts to print it. October is breast cancer awareness month.
Why don't you do something completely out of character (intelligent and compassionate) and promote October as breast cancer awareness month and then make a little donation to the American cancer society which might help some of the victims of breast cancer who don't have the pleasure of living with an ass man. Wake the fuck up.
Thanks, Chuck M.
(Editor's Note: These are some of my favorites. I like the emails that show you can be stupid without being dumb. Let's count off the idiocy together. First - I hate when people mention that we don't care about their complaint (true) and that we will just make fun of them. Saying that is not nearly as disarming as people like to think it is. They think they've made it impossible for us to respond to them without looking stupid, but all they've actually done is admit that they know they're wasting their time on top of being stupid.
Second - Going for pity couldn't make you more of a douche. You say our shirt is in bad taste, but you trot out everything that's wrong with your wife all in hopes of making us feel bad about it. I think people like you get off on the fact that you have a suffering person in your life. Before your wife got breast cancer, you probably spent all of your time drinking Miller High Life and watching Nascar, but now you have to take care of your ailing wife, so you can pretend you're not the piece of shit you truly are.
Third - You can't pretend to have a sense of humor while calling out our sense of humor. You get all high and mighty with us over our funny shirt, while at the same time saying your wife had "quite a set" and that they removed "one of my favorites" and that you're an "ass man." If it weren't for that I would simply call this misguided ignorance, but the fact that you attempt to crack jokes shows just how seriously you take all of this and reveals what a bitch you are.
And have you ever considered that your wife only wishes for death because of the dick she married. Her condition and treatment probably seem like rainbows made out of cupcakes compared to realizing she's stuck with you 'til death.)
From: Yassin E.
Sent: Saturday, September 30, 2006
Subject: Complaint letter!
Dear sir. I, as an anonymous client, decided to help u improve your products. I was brousing some t-shirts and came across one that represents a total blasphem against Islam; I'm referring to "The Koran - Now in 2-ply". The sale of such a product would represent a direct offence to me and to many of my fellow costumers that have been loyal to your company. I hope that u conceder the matter attentively. Thanks for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.
(Editor's Note: Let me begin by saying I loved all of the adventures you had with Jonny Quest. Let me also say thank you. As I'm sure you just read, the last couple emails I responded to were stupid, but they warranted some kind of response. Yours stands on its own two feet and proudly proclaims its stupidity. It's good to occasionally include an email that is entertaining all by itself.
I mean, the fact that you included your full name in your email address and then closed with your first name in the same email where you say you're an anonymous client...sheer brilliance! And writing costumers instead of customers, suggesting that you're employed in the field of dressing people...I couldn't make that shit up.
Then there are the usual typos, but in an email like this, typos come standard. Anyway, I'm glad that someone who is so loyal to us is just now complaining about a shirt we've had for nearly a year. And in the future, make things easier for everyone and just tell us what DOESN'T offend Muslims. I've narrowed it down to rice cakes and the color orange, but I think even the rice cakes are kind of iffy. In any case, Jesus loves you.)
I regret that you have but one life I can take for my country.