There are nightly riots in France and another lawyer in Saddam Hussein's trial has been gunned down. When I hear that Muslims are rioting in Paris, and that people are shooting lawyers, I think maybe God does hear my prayers.
[There Are No Shirts Like New Shirts]
We have 5 new shirts this week and we've brought all of our holiday shirts back from last year. Make sure you sign up as a member of our site so you can create a wish list to send to all of your friends. Then you'll get all of the sick shit we have - that you want - for Christmas.
Our new shirts, holiday shirts, and Wish List sign up are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[I Have A Dream, And It's A Wet One...]
Rosa Parks is gone, and Renee Thomas has stepped up, and shaken her ass, to take her place. Most of you know the story of Rosa Parks. She was a black lady who refused to give up her seat to a white man. Thanks to her, black women like me can sit on buses wherever they want. Whoopee.
You may not know her name, but Renee Thomas' story is gaining national attention. Like Rosa Parks, Renee was tired after a long day of work. She just wanted to relax and have sex with fellow Carolina Panthers cheerleader Angela Keathley in a public restroom. Like Rosa Parks, Renee was arrested.
That's what happens to pioneers. Let's make sure that Renee's arrest is not in vain. Something needs to be done to protect the rights of hot lesbian cheerleaders to fuck in public bathrooms.
Someone needs to organize massive protests. A Million Muff Muncher March if you will. I see thousands of cheerleaders in tight white t-shirts marching on Washington. They start to riot. They hurl pom-poms at the police. They make rude formations, and do cheers that are not only mean spirited, but that also show little regard for traditional rhyme schemes and meter. A couple of the girls go at it in the Lincoln Memorial, right on Lincoln's lap!
Then the police have no choice but to turn the fire hoses on them. The cheerleaders scream as their shaky pyramids come crashing down. Their firm young breasts heave under gauzy white t-shirts that are now suddenly translucent. The cold water causes their nipples to stiffen and to reach new heights in rigidity! Some of the cheerleaders remove their soaking panties in protest. Hopefully, the major news outlets will realize the historical significance of this moment and show it over and over again: ideally in slow motion.
I know what you're thinking. Angela Keathley is not that hot. She has a huge nose. But you're probably thinking about her mug shot. I'm sure with some make-up she looks pretty good. In the mug shot she does not have any on. Why? Because while you were sitting at home ignoring injustice all around you, Angela had her face buried in Renee Thomas' lap: licking, sucking, nibbling, and fighting for what she believed in. And if her carefully applied lipstick, eyeliner, and blush were reduced to nothing more than random splotches on Thomas' creamy thighs, I think that's a small price to pay for liberty.
And don't forget the Panther TopCats are hardly the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Some of them are real pigs. A lot of them look like old transvestites. I would have probably done Meagan, Allison or Misty. Meagan is the hottest, but Misty looks really slutty, and she has that stripper name.
Cheerleaders need to organize fuck-ins. There should be cheerleaders fucking in every bathroom in the country. And it shouldn't be just cheerleaders: all hot lesbians need to do their part. Are you listening Rosie O'Donnell? Stay home.
And on the subject of Rosie, why has Hollywood been silent? Where is Denise Richards, who owes her entire career to her Sapphic turn in "Wild Things".
Where are Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly? Where is Portia de Rossi? Why are they not speaking out? And more importantly, why are they not making out?
I have a dream, that one day, in the not so distant future; a small child will look up at me in wild eyed wonder and ask, "Grandma, is it true there was a time when cheerleaders were not allowed to have sex in public restrooms?" I'll just laugh and say, "Yes, but that was a long time ago." He'll smile as a wave of relief washes over him. Then I'll tell him he was adopted and he'll cry like a little bitch.
[Whole Lot of Hatin' Goin' On]
----- Original Message -----
From: Kara B.
Sent: Friday, November 04, 2005 11:21 AM
I LOVE most of your products! Heck, I was going to do most of my xmas shopping here. My cart was filled with $270 worth of shirts (not including S&H) but you just had to ruin it for me!! I went back to look for one more and ran across you Autistic Kids Rock Shirt! Assholes. I am the PROUD mom of an autistic child. We did not chose this, they did not chose this!! I will take my business and cash elsewhere until that shirt is taken down!! It really dissapoints me, cause I did like the shirts I picked out! Guess I won't be getting them and you won't be featured in my weekly column! That's a shame!
Kara, proud mother of a child damaged by mercury.
Cure Autism NOW!
(Editor's Note: Fuck you and your $270 order. Fuck you and your "weekly
column". We make millions and millions of dollars every year. I spend
$270 a day on my morning tea. I have a single cup hand brewed from rare herbs mixed with the tears of lost children. I'm sorry I've never heard of you or your weekly column. I can't believe we have lost not just your gigantic order, but the potential orders of both of your loyal readers. Please be sure and send me a copy of your community newsletter, club circular, or the link to your LiveUrinal account that it appears in. I'm always looking for something new and interesting to use to wipe my ass. I love your signature. It's always funny to see what people have as a point of pride. Why would you be proud your child was damaged by Mercury? And what was your kid doing on Mercury in the first place? Children and space exploration don't mix. It's simply irresponsible parenting. And what's the deal with ending your letter, "cure autism now!" I'll cure autism when I'm good and ready! I was going to cure it next week, but now you've pissed me off. Now I may not cure it for another few years, or maybe not ever. That will be on your head, not mine.)
----- Original Message -----
From: tandra d.
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 9:25 AM
this t shirt is down right degrading and disgusting.............why would you be so ignorant as that to down grade our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ....SHAME ON YOU.
(Editor's Note: Presently, we have about a half dozen shirts that are degrading, disgusting, and down grade your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, while I applaud your charming use of alliteration, it is hard to know how to respond to this when you are so vague about which particular shirt offended you. As Judas once said to Jesus, "I know you're going to be crucified, but lighten up." Tandra, take that cross out of your ass and enjoy life and learn to laugh a bit. Your devotion should be a source of joy, not anger. I've found that a good set of rosary beads can double as ben wa balls. That way it's good for you and for the Lord. Shame on me? Jesus didn't believe in judging people so how dare you judge me. Do you think you're better than Jesus? Well you're wrong. Because me, and all of my friends who are better than Jesus discussed it, and agreed that you're not.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Girlygirl*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, October 17, 2005 2:22 PM
Subject: blacks shouldnt be any different from whites
i think it is wrong to just surpose that all blacks will become crimanls. there are also white crimanls then if u locked up whites our world would be nothing. a lot of blacks and whites are close and some even family. so i think that it was just wrong to think of this. so i think they should never had proght it up.
a person with her own opinion
(Editor's Note: Girlygirl, this may be the most profound statement on race
relations since Sir Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder wrote, "Ebony and Ivory" in 1982. Truly, you are one of the great thinkers of our time. You should get to work right away on solving world hunger, and figuring out why Larry King is still on the air. But seriously, you're an idiot. Did you know that shotguns taste like candy canes? Put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger for an extra blast of minty goodness!)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Zack P."
Sent: Friday, November 04, 2005 3:47 PM
Subject: your shirts
I'm a big fan of your shirts, but almost all of them have sex and drugs and curse words on them. Now, I'm not protesting these, because your shirts crack me up, but I was wondering if you could make some more shirts that would be in the school dress code. I love offending people, but I don't want to get in trouble.
Just a thought. Thanks.
(Editor's Note: Hey Zack, thanks for the suggestion. I understand your concern. If I was a big pussy like you I would also be concerned about getting in trouble. But you clearly have your priorities screwed up. You like our shirts, which is a good start. But you seem to think going to school is about getting an education. Going to school is about getting as much ass as possible. And I'm not talking about the fat girls in the drama club or those whores in the marching band: I'm talking pretty, popular girls; and the dirty sluts who smoke and like to party. If you want to bang the really hot chicks in your school, you want to start developing a reputation as a rebel. It is important that you start getting in trouble, and wearing offensive t-shirts is just the start. They might get you suspended, but you really want to get expelled. I suggest random acts of violence and vandalism. Just make sure your hijinks doesn't land you in jail. If you end up in jail you won't be getting ass, you'll be giving it.
[Road Rage Cards, Holiday Cards - Tomato, Clamato]
It's time to ask Santa for some Road Rage Cards. But it is doubtful Santa will hook you up, even if you're not a Jew. So buy them yourself, and buy them for your friends. They make great stocking stuffers. And by stocking stuffers, I mean you can shove them up your ass!
[That's All For This Week]
You have reached the end of another one. Rinse, and repeat.