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11/09/04
Conflicting reports today that Yasser Arafat is dead. Do not be
alarmed.
There is still plenty of room left in Hell. When you die, perhaps
you can
be his roommate and you can have wacky adventures together, maybe
even double team Mother Teresa?
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These 14 New Shirts Won the Unpopular Vote
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1. We have a new shirt style, the Amazing
Tee, available in 5 colors.
If you can't get laid wearing this shirt,
you simply can't get laid. An 80
year old priest could get laid in this shirt, and probably did.
And, he
probably fucked your mom. in the ass...twice. Just like I did.
The Mister
Tee is not a new style. It's just new name for the White Trash
Tank that we
thought was funny.
2. We have a bunch of new shirts about
the election.
Republican, Democrat, Independent, Green
Party, Red Party, Anarchist, or
Terrorist: we have your shirt.
3. We have 3 new baby shirts.
If you give them as gifts, I guarantee
you will never be invited to another
christening, bris, or baby shower ever again, potentially saving
you
thousands of dollars from this small up front investment. Also
great for
your own kids when Social Services come for their monthly visit.
4. We also have a bunch of new shirts that
aren't about politics or made for
babies.
They're about sex, and drugs, and killing
babies. Overall we have 14 new
shirts. I'm not shitting you. 14 new shirts. If you can't find
a shirt
you like, then you're not trying. Or you simply don't love America.
(Hey
everyone else is cashing in on this Patriotism bullshit I thought
I'd give
it a shot).
All of our new shirts, plus pictures of
our new shirt style are here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt380.htm
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click
the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.
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It's That Time Of Year Again.
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And no I don't mean bath time you dirty,
dirty freaks.
The holidays are just around the corner so I need to make a couple
announcements. Yes, I know you don't believe in God but the holidays
have
nothing to do with that. They are about more important things,
like making
fistfuls of cash. This newsletter might seem to have more plugs
than
usual, but plugs aren't necessarily a bad thing. Did you think
all of my
luxurious back hair was natural?
1. Buy your Christmas presents from us,
and buy them now.
Don't wait until the last minute when the
fucking postal service, which is
painfully slow to begin with, grinds to a near standstill. If
your gifts
are late again this year your friends and family who are clearly
already on
the fence, will stop loving you completely.
2. Your gifts deserve our sick and twisted
gift-wrap.
We have added 2 new styles since last season,
and all of the original fucked
up favorites are in stock, for now.
See them all at:
http://www.tshirthell.com/wraphell.shtml
3. If you want to buy a Limited Edition
Shirt, do it today.
We need to stop selling the limited edition
shirts during the month of
December because they're just too labor intensive. It's too much
work for
our already overworked band of monkeys, retards, and child prostitutes
to
make them, still do drugs, and handle the holiday rush.
See them all at:
http://www.tshirthell.com/limitededition.shtml
And don't bother writing me and telling
me they're too expensive. I could
have told you your career as a Country Western Rap artist wouldn't
pan out.
Dig an extra ditch, skip a donut, and buy one.
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Giving Thanks: Four More Years of Laughter and Tears
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I'm happy George W. was reelected. This
is clearly a giant victory for our
nation's comedians. Yes, Kerry has the big long head, the hideous
wife,
and the droning voice.
But let's face it. Goofing on George W.
is good for about one new t-shirt a
week. True, he's a uniter, not a divider. If by that you mean
he's
succeeded in uniting the Arab world in their desire to kill us.
And true,
he's one of our sharpest Presidents, although in their defense,
most of the
others are dead.
Do not misunderstand me. I am not a Kerry
supporter. If I voted, which I
don't, I would have voted for Al Sharpton. Al Sharpton is dedicated,
hard
working, and good for at least 2 t-shirts a week.
To all of you say you're moving to Canada
I say, "Are you fucking kidding
me? Canada?" I think I'd rather go to my time share in Fallujah.
This is the time of year in which we should
all focus on what we're thankful
for. I'm thankful that I'm rich, that the walls around my home
are high,
and it's location is a closely guarded secret. That and my completely
self
contained underground lair is almost complete.
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Letters From Electoral College Dropouts
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----- Original Message -----
From: Jennifer R.
Sent: Wednesday, September 22, 2004 2:09 PM
Subject: Your site
There's a fine line between funny and just plain offensive...
(Editor's Note: No there's not. Even if
you dragged your slimy cunt across
the floor, that steaming trail would not constitute a line. You
probably
wouldn't know funny if I strapped it to the bumper of my Corniche
and
drove into you at 75mph. Please contact my assistant immediately,
so we can
arrange a demonstration.)
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----- Original Message -----
From: Azmera Y.
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 2004 6:11 PM
Subject: Im calling the NAACP
Your website is terrible your racist not
to mention your are homophobic and
very sadistic I am very appauled at your choice of tshirt designs
your a
evil and tisted person and i hate you i hate you i hate you!
(Editor's Note: Nobody calls me tisted
and gets away with it. Those are
fightin' words. But look at what you wrote. I think you need to
look
inside yourself and find out why you are you so full of hate?
This should
be fairly easy for you; because clearly your head is already up
your ass.)
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----- Original Message -----
From: Ginger L.
Sent: Monday, October 18, 2004 6:17 PM
Subject: not funny
ok...i am a very easy person to get along
with and i think everything is
funny but this christopher reeve tshirt is not funny at all...i
know a lot
of people that i referred to your website have told me that they
are never
looking here again because that shirt is so offensive....when
someone
dies..dont joke about it...it should be common sense...i strongly
suggest
taking that off your website if you want to make business unless
you just
want to sell to satanists and people along those lines. this is
definitely
not a funny shirt. i used to like this website.
(Editor's Note: I love when someone starts
off by saying they think
everything is funny, and then proceed to give examples of things
that they
don't find funny. That's why I can honestly say I respect everyone's
opinion, but I don't respect yours. Plus, you're clearly an antisatanite
which I find offensive. It never ceases to amaze me how full of
hate and
prejudice our detractors are. We have come to expect those attitudes,
but
generally only from our regular, happy customers.)
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----- Original Message -----
From: "james k."
Sent: Tuesday, November 09, 2004 5:33 AM
Subject: mail order
ATTENTION:SALES
Sir/madam,
It is my easrnest interest to write you,I saw your address on
the internet
,I have also visited your website and found your products good
to me.My
company is an international store in America here and have so
many branches
worldwide.iam interested in your products and will like to ship
them to my
new warehouse in Nigeria.i am interested in buying your products
I will be
very glad if you will respond to my request as soon as possible
to enable us
start a good business relationship and also the payment option
of my company
is through credit card and my shipping method is via United Parcel
Service
(UPS) or fedex express. Looking forward to recieving from you
soon.
Thanks.
Yours faithfully.
(Editor's Note: T-shirt sales must be through
the roof in Nigeria as I get
at least 2 or 3 letters like this every day. James, since you
were good
enough not to shout, I'd be happy to do business with you. There
are few
sources of payment as trusted as a credit card from Nigeria. But
we must
request in addition to your payment you also send us the heart
of a
jackalope, covered in pixy dust and unicorn shit.)
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I've got nothing else to say this week.
The only thing on TV is the Middle
East, the Middle East, the Middle East. Personally I could care
less what
happens to those fucking hobbits.
Peace My Ashes
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make that work, you can hit Reply and type, "I Love To Give
Handjobs In
Public Restrooms." in the subject line. This should be good.
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