Thanksgiving is almost here, so go get your plane tickets and the fattest turkey at the supermar- Wait... I forgot about the recession. Okay... grab your cell phone, wait until you can use your free night time minutes, call your parents, put them on speaker, gather your kids around the table, and dig into your delicious Thanksgiving Whopper. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! And a Happy New Depression!
Bad news for any gay Californians (i.e. all of them) who want to get married: Proposition 8, a proposal banning same-sex marriage, was recently approved. As if that wasn't bad enough, there's even more bad news for gay Californians: you're fucking gay!
Ann Dunwoody, an Army lieutenant general, has become the first woman in US history to become a four-star general. I know you're curious, so I'll tell you. One star for cooking, one for cleaning, one for birthin', and one for foot massaging. Congratulations, Ann. Keep reaching for that glass ceiling, ladies! But mop the floor first.
Speaking of our first black president, [racist joke from the '50s with "Barack Obama" in place of "black guy."] You've already heard that one? But it's so fresh and original? Fine, here's a new one. Did you hear the one about Barack Obama's Cabinet appointments? They're all well-qualified politicians with plenty of experience and intelligence. BURN! Damn, Barack, you make this too easy.
President Bush recently announced that after he leaves office he may write a book. Either that or he'll just write "Mission Accomplished" and say he wrote a book. But seriously, the president doesn't get enough credit for his intelligence and I'm sure he'll produce a masterpiece. Confidentially, I got to review the book early and it's great. Near as I can tell, it's pretty much just Moby Dick with the whale replaced by a Chupacabra and any mention of Queequeg replaced with "Robo-George."
With Christmas just a few weeks away, stores are gearing up for the upcoming shopping season. And the hot toy for this Christmas season is: your child's imagination! Sorry, Little Billy, but it looks like Santa forgot to protect daddy's 401K.
As you may have heard, America recently elected a new Prime Minister, or whatever our equivalent is. I think it's, like, comptroller or something. To help move things along, I'll just refer to the office as president. George W. Bush has been our "president" for the past eight years and shortly Barack Obama will be handed the keys to the presidential go-carts and cotton candy machine. President Bush recently met with Obama to help smooth his transition into office. Below, some helpful advice given to the president-elect by the outgoing Commander in Chief.
The White House
The first thing you're going to want to do in your new home is remove the 'No coloreds' signs. Woodrow Wilson put them up in 1915 and there's really been no reason for subsequent presidents to take them down. Oh, and it's probably best to avoid the room containing "the button" altogether. 99 times out of 100 it won't even register, but there are those days when you see your poll numbers and Laura just won't shut her gob and you just want to be like "Fuck it!" One last thing: Sorry about those stains on the carpet. I'd had some bad Mexican and I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it to the bathr- I mean, sorry about what Barney did on the carpet.
Air Force One
Oh my god! Don't even get me started about Air Force One! You know how once people have flown first class they say they can't go back to coach? Well, my friend, prepare to have all other forms of transportation ruined for the rest of your life. Compared to Air Force One, first class is like getting raped by the offensive line of the Steelers. Yes, Mr. Nosey, that happened to me. Sure, the food onboard is great and the seating is beyond comfortable, but once you've been allowed to firebomb a Kenyan village for no good reason, everything else in life pales in comparison. You'll probably want to avoid Kenya, but you know what I mean.
When selecting members for your Cabinet, it is important you choose the most qualified and intellig- I'm just fucking with you. You can pick whomever the hell you want. But there are a few parameters. First of all, the person you select for a cabinet position must actually exist. A lesson I learned the hard way when I found out Yosemite Sam wasn't going to be my Secretary of Defense. Secondly, you can't pick a 12-year-old to be your Secretary of Education. Although, I must say, his proposal titled "Homework Can Eat My Ass" was very convincing.
You'll get used to it eventually, but Secret Service will annoy the living shit out of you for quite a while. It's cool knowing I'm safe at all times, but I certainly wish I could grunt out a dump without Agent Harvick asking "You okay in there?" I suggest you have some fun with them. Every once in a while just slam a ketchup packet on your chest and scream. Also, you can totally order them to make out. Not that I'm into seeing two dudes tongue each other, but it's good to let them know who's running the show.
Fucking assholes. The whole lot of them. I suppose you'll have an easier time with them than I did, but I couldn't get out two words or sign one goddamn paper without a bunch of whiny cunts second-guessing me. "He appointed an unqualified yes-man to head FEMA... Boo hoo. He invaded a country with no ties to 9-11... Waaaah!" Well they can all lick George's barbecue-scented shit. It's bad enough when journalists insult me on policy, but I don't need some big-chinned wop making jokes about me because I say "nucular." I'd like to watch one fucking TV show without feeling like the fat kid at recess. At least I always had FOX News. I suppose BET will be a good default channel for you. Or Half-BET.
Just ignore them. Half of them will love you and half of them will hate you and the one thing they all have in common is that they're fucking idiots. You could rape an elderly woman with your cock while raping a 10-year-old boy with your mouth and your supporters will still say it was a wise move. On the other hand, you could cure all known disease and invent a car that runs on a single eyelash for a year and your detractors will call you a bungling jackass. The public's opinion of you was decided when they saw the (D) next to your name. Just take everything they say with a grain of salt and a bag of weed.
Oh, Jesus Christ - go ahead and grab a clothespin now. Fuck, it's like every country except America passed some law that says their leader has to smell like a goat. I don't care if they're from South America, Europe, Asia, or any other continent; prepare to have your olfactory system pummeled like a skinny child molester in prison. And when the UN gathers, I'd advise bringing your own oxygen. Good lord, it's like being locked in a room with a bucket of cum and a economy-sized jar of expired olives.
Kiss your social life goodbye. I never even did my job and I still didn't have any free time. All these assholes got pissed because I used more vacation time than any president in history, as if it were an actual vacation. "What's that? I get to spend all day on the phone pretending to care what a bunch of soldiers are saying to me right before I get rushed off to five photo ops? Yeah, I'll take another month of that!" You think I gave up coke and alcohol to be moral? Fuck no. I just didn't have time for it anymore. Did you see what Clinton was tapping? You think that was the best he could do? Hell no. ANY president could fuck something hotter than that. A chubby Jew is all he had time for. Michelle's going to be busy with her own bullshit while you're in office. If you plan on getting your knob slobbed any time in the next four years, I suggest you recruit your interns from the cover of Maxim.
Odds and Ends
It's true. As president you will be privy to all sorts of sensitive information. The truth about Area 51, the Illuminati, everything. And let me do you a favor and tell you something nobody bothered to tell me: it's all fucking boring. So a little green man crashed on Earth in the '50s and a secret cabal controls the global economy... Big fucking deal. The world keeps on a-spinnin' same as it did before I knew all this shit. Can I still eat Twinkies and drink Old Milwaukee? Cool, go ahead and manipulate the Dow Jones. And while you already know about your pardons, you may not know you will be allowed five secret murders. I advise you to use them wisely. You're going to be tempted to use one on some asshole who stole your girlfriend in high school, or some Boy Scout leader who touched your butt; but trust me when I say you're going to meet a lot of people in the next few years who are far more deserving.
And one last note: Don't secretly execute a terrorist plot against America. You think you're going to secure your place in history, but all you're really doing is aging yourself ten years. Thanks for the advice, Cheney.
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You guys and probably gals, are unconscionable. Really. Can't you take all the good energy, when you find it, and put it to something more productive?? I find your products totally insulting, degrading, and worthless. Try and bring yourselves up from the fray instead of embellishing it.
Editor's Note: Go eat a tumorous dick, you waste of vagina.
How about if instead of chastising us for misusing positive energy, you put your own positive energy to good use? The time and energy wasted writing this email could've been put to use helping an old lady cross the street, or poisoning a sandwich and giving it to a homeless guy.
The point is, you have to BE the change you want to see in the world. And I hope the change you want to see in the world is your face being stomped on by my hiking shoes.
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I think your page is totally hurtful and you people really need your asses kicked. Free speach is one-thing but my God how cruel can you be
Editor's Note: Oh yeah? Well I think YOUR page is totally hurtful and you need YOUR ass kicked. Doesn't feel so good, does it? To you we're just a faceless corporation, but there are individuals who actually read your emails and are affected by them. Our feelings aren't hurt, per se, but you really do a number on whichever muscles we need to sigh and roll our eyes.
And, to answer your question, we can't be nearly as cruel as we'd like to be. Thanks a lot, anti- setting the elderly on fire laws.
Anyway, thanks for the email, our evil Cheryl. Oh, you meant... never mind.
“Your” fucking stupid
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What party do you support democrats or republicans?? thanks laurie
Editor's Note:This is an easy one. The Hudson River. OH! How did I blow that!?
To be frank, we support whichever party is currently in power, whatever their affiliation may be. So, what does that make us at the moment? I guess we're Socialists. Oh... great granny shaving SNAP! I did not just go there!
Okay, okay, I'll answer you seriously this time. We support all politicians. Why choose between Party A and Party B when they're all performing the same task? "What task?" you ask. (Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't even rape one) The task of presenting you with the illusion of choice while secretly controlling the global economy and spiking your water supply with yak semen. You know, for fertility purposes.
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From: Robyn H.
Hello! ;)sorry, you don't know me but maybe I want to know you ;)...I am not bad body pretty girl...I very want to meet man of my dream, i dont know how should he to look...but maybe it's you?
I have a lot of time for meetings and if you have any ideas how to spend it with me... just email me back at ROBYN @ off****.com i will reply back with some really cool photos with me ...and maybe you will want to meet me next day))) see you . kiss
Editor's Note: Ooh... well aren't you the naughty little vixen? I can't really be the "man" of your dreams, but we can totally hook up. I can easily strap something on if the cock is a deal breaker for you. If I were a man, I assume I'd be hung like a thermos, so you may want to start doing kegels and looking into a good vagina repairman now.
The fact that you wrote this as a character that hasn't mastered the English language suggests to me you may be kidding. If that's the case, you may want to start praying now. Because if a week or two from now we still haven't done the deed (eaten each other's frozen poop), I will hunt you down and do things to your body that will make Hitler's ghost weep.
In either case, see you at Thanksgiving!
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[Goodbye Yellow Brick Chode]
Judge not lest ye be tea-bagged by a trucker.