Thanksgiving, everybody! I would say "Happy Thanksgiving," but who am I to tell you what kind of holiday to have? Happy Thanksgiving, Merry
Christmas...Stop bossing us around, generic greetings. If someone
wants to run fish hooks through their genitals and chew used tampons
on a national holiday, that's their right. But that's my thing. You do
The second version of the Zune, Microsoft's answer to the iPod, recently went on sale. Improvements include a self-pitying function
and the ability to be passed over for an iPod twice as fast as the
Headline News talk anchor (and enormous cunt) Nancy Grace was recently
hospitalized with blood clots in her lungs. I don't have a joke here,
I just wanted everyone to know I've changed my mind about the
effectiveness of prayer. Upon hearing that she would make a full
recovery, God said "Fucking shit! What do I have to do, cut that
bitch's head off?"
Dog the Bounty Hunter shocked nobody when he revealed that he is exactly the piece of white trash we always thought he was. Somebody needs to smack that Dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper printed sometime after 1950.
Baseball superstar Barry Bonds was indicted on four counts of perjury
and one count of obstruction of justice. I'm not a betting man (just
ask my vagina), but I think this really hurts Barry's chances of being
inducted into the Asshole/Douchebag Hall of Fame.
Kanye West's mother recently passed away after receiving cosmetic
surgery. In a stunning upset, her ashes were given to Fall Out Boy.
Then a visibly upset Kanye shouted "What's a black man gotta do to get
his mama's ashes!?" (The picture shows Kanye and his mom in happier times.)
We just got a visit from the awesome stork and he delivered some
beautiful, bouncing new shirts. And having just glanced at our new
shirts, I'm pretty sure he's been huffing paint and taking qualludes.
We've got some fantastic new shirts about oral sex and gay Jesus. No,
not my off-Broadway play. Take a look to see what I'm talking about.
All of our new shirts are here:
This being the week of Thanksgiving, I am obliged to write about it.
My religion prohibits the celebration of Thanksgiving, but I have to
write something about it just the same. (I forget what exactly my
religion is, but we consider turkeys a sign of the apocalypse and
eating cranberry sauce is on par with raping a baby.)
The obvious thing to do would be to write an ironic article about how
Thanksgiving is rooted in the massacre of innocent, indigenous people,
but I think we've all grown tired of that message. Besides, I think
white people have made this land better than a bunch of peace
pipe-smoking buffalo-huggers ever would have. Sure, they would be
living a contented life in perfect balance with nature, but how many
roller coasters and porn shops do you think they would've constructed
So instead of farting out some heavy-handed, half-assed attempt at
satire drowned in the all too common snarkiness and sarcasm of the
day, I would like to share with you a sincere, heartfelt list of
things that I'm thankful for. Having said that, I will be avoiding the "thankful" cliches. Family, friends, blah yada Mexican. This
Thanksgiving, I would like to show my appreciation for some things
that always get overlooked on this holiday.
My abortion doctor - Also known as the hardest working man in show
business. Abortion doctor is a pretty thankless job. They show up,
kill that little miracle inside you, and go home. They rarely get the
respect or admiration they deserve. Meanwhile, regular doctors just
catch the mistake some idiot decided not to abort and they get all the
kudos in the world. So a tip of the hat to all the doctors with a PhD in fetus-blending. And 217 more tips of the hat on behalf of all the
babies I didn't have.
Rap - Whatever social relevance or creativity rap once had has long
ago been suffocated beneath of pile of ugly jewelry, half words and
bastard children. But there is value in rap music, and that is the
strange way in which it helps keep the balance. The greedy and
powerful keep many black people poor and ignorant. A handful of these
black people make music praising greed and power. The remaining black
people purchase their albums and concert tickets, thus keeping
themselves poor and ignorant, as opposed to the rappers, who become
rich and ignorant. It's kind of like black-on-black crime, but without
guns. Well, fewer guns anyway.
Midgets and Gays - These two species have nothing to do with each
other, but I am thankful for them for the same reasons. They are both
an endless supply of humor and a mysterious liquid that fuels
helicopters. And despite the fact that neither of them can reproduce,
we get a fresh batch of them every February. That's good eatin'.
Politics - I believe 99.9% and the other .1% of the population is
stupid, but thanks to politics we all get to pretend we're really
smart. It doesn't matter how ignorant or misinformed you are, if
you've seen more than 30 seconds of programming on CNN or FOX News you
are a fucking genius. The unemployed guy doing beat poetry who got
kicked out of community college and is sleeping on his ex-girlfriend's
couch? He knows exactly what to do about global warming. That
alcoholic with the "Support our troops" magnet on his '89 Ford who
just did a month for assaulting his wife? He'll tell you how we should
handle Iran. Thanks, politics. I had no idea idiots were so brilliant.
My vagina - I don't think I need to explain this one. It's just awesome.
That is what I'm thankful for. Now I just need to figure out who I'm
thanking, since God didn't give me any of that shit. Happy
I'm thankful that all of those turkeys got what they deserved.
Comments (15) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Chris L.
Sent: Friday, November 09, 2007
Subject: Something new please
Every month I read your newsletter in an effort to get a few shits and
giggles. I've had enough. Your hate mail is nothing more than a few
fat, retarded child molesters (aka chili mo's) and retired prostitutes
(aka soccer mom's) who are pissed because you're making money and
While I enjoy reading your insults and new and creative ways of raping
autistic midgets, I'm sick of reading the same bullshit that reader's
send in. My plea is for you to please try to rag on someone more
intelligent than chili mo's and soccer mom's. Peace out.
Editor's Note:I appreciate your suggestion, but I decided to include
your email to rag on someone LESS intelligent than retarded child
molesters and soccer moms. Seriously...taking time out of your life to
complain about people who complain not being smart enough? This is
like Britney Spears saying Hannah Montana is ruining music. Or some
For anyone else who would like me to respond to more intelligent
people, take a moment to consider the kind of person who would write
in to complain about shirts. It's not like I'm choosing between the
complaints of neurosurgeons and the complaints of Ivy League
professors. I consider myself lucky if these people don't try to stick
stamps on their monitors before sending hate mail.
Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: ALeggyB*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007
I used to think you were funny (your website) until your "Abort Born
Again Christians" shirt. Take me off your mailing list.
Editor's Note: Oh my honey-roasted god...How do you ear-breathers
(even dumber than mouth-breathers) think our mailing list works? We
send newsletters and new shirt notifications to members and people who
submit ideas. If you so wish, you can easily stop them by clicking a
link which appears at the bottom of everything we send out.
People who worship a magic carpenter may be incapable of wrapping
their doughy brains around that concept, but that's all there is to
it. We don't go to some secret government website that lists the names
and email addresses of every US citizen with a developmental disorder
and start notifying them at random.
So to you and anyone else who wants to stop receiving emails from us,
simply ask your caretaker to make the bad lady's words go away. Or do
what you do when you encounter anything else you don't understand. You
know...start screaming and dry-humping everything you can until you're
forcibly removed from the building you're in.
Comments (21) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Chris M.
Sent: Friday, November 16, 2007
"Five students in a Cleveland high school were recently injured during
yet another school shooting. Jesus, as if living in Cleveland wasn't
Thanks for knocking on a hard working city; having been born and
raised there, your company only shows its ignorance. If you get a
chance, check out Anthony Bourdain's show "No Reservations" and you too might be impressed at a small glimpse of what Cleveland offers. Or
better yet, spend a weekend in NE Ohio, and see a cross-section of
Editor's Note: The best thing you could've possibly done for Cleveland would have been to keep this to yourself. Now, instead of laughing at
and quickly forgetting a joke that could have just as easily been
about Omaha, we have proof that Cleveland is filled with people who
aren't even smart enough to kill you. Not to mention at least one
whiny bitch who acts like the tour guide the other tour guides call
In response to your invitation to visit scenic northeast Ohio, I'm
afraid I'm going to have to pass. I'm sure that new Panera Bread is
impressive, but I already have an appointment to get sodomized with a
walrus tusk this weekend. Sorry.
And I'm sure you're right about Cleveland's diversity, but I have no
desire to look at retards in three different colors. Thanks though. Go
Cleveland yourself, Clevelandhole.
Comments (31) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Chandra J.
Sent: Friday, November 16, 2007
Is your website trying to promote racism?
Editor's Note:Trying? We are succeeding, my extra-chromosomed friend.
Not that I'm bragging, it's actually quite easy to promote racism. All
it takes is a good fan base and a little racism. You simply say
something like "Racism is good. We should all be racist." and, voila,
you're promoting racism.
As I suggested, we can't take all the credit. It's all well and good
to put racism out there, but without someone acting on my thoughts
it's just called me being racist. It takes the baseball bats and
pickup trucks with ball-hitches of all of you out there to give my
Thanks for your question, Chandra. And remember this month's promotion
- Get at least two minorities to go back to their homeland and win 10
free shirts. Happy racisming, gang!
Comments (28) - View Comments - Add A Comment
Jizz-Covered Apples - That's the New "Goodbye"
A penny saved is a penny in the possession of a Jew.