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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!



Thanksgiving, everybody! I would say "Happy Thanksgiving," but who am I to tell you what kind of holiday to have? Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas...Stop bossing us around, generic greetings. If someone wants to run fish hooks through their genitals and chew used tampons on a national holiday, that's their right. But that's my thing. You do something else.

The second version of the Zune, Microsoft's answer to the iPod, recently went on sale. Improvements include a self-pitying function and the ability to be passed over for an iPod twice as fast as the original Zune.

Headline News talk anchor (and enormous cunt) Nancy Grace was recently hospitalized with blood clots in her lungs. I don't have a joke here, I just wanted everyone to know I've changed my mind about the effectiveness of prayer. Upon hearing that she would make a full recovery, God said "Fucking shit! What do I have to do, cut that bitch's head off?"

Dog the Bounty Hunter shocked nobody when he revealed that he is exactly the piece of white trash we always thought he was. Somebody needs to smack that Dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper printed sometime after 1950.

Baseball superstar Barry Bonds was indicted on four counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice. I'm not a betting man (just ask my vagina), but I think this really hurts Barry's chances of being inducted into the Asshole/Douchebag Hall of Fame.

Kanye West's mother recently passed away after receiving cosmetic surgery. In a stunning upset, her ashes were given to Fall Out Boy. Then a visibly upset Kanye shouted "What's a black man gotta do to get his mama's ashes!?" (The picture shows Kanye and his mom in happier times.)

 

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New Shirts

We just got a visit from the awesome stork and he delivered some beautiful, bouncing new shirts. And having just glanced at our new shirts, I'm pretty sure he's been huffing paint and taking qualludes.

We've got some fantastic new shirts about oral sex and gay Jesus. No, not my off-Broadway play. Take a look to see what I'm talking about.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_111907_news.htm

long division


crybabyThis being the week of Thanksgiving, I am obliged to write about it. My religion prohibits the celebration of Thanksgiving, but I have to write something about it just the same. (I forget what exactly my religion is, but we consider turkeys a sign of the apocalypse and eating cranberry sauce is on par with raping a baby.)

The obvious thing to do would be to write an ironic article about how Thanksgiving is rooted in the massacre of innocent, indigenous people, but I think we've all grown tired of that message. Besides, I think white people have made this land better than a bunch of peace pipe-smoking buffalo-huggers ever would have. Sure, they would be living a contented life in perfect balance with nature, but how many roller coasters and porn shops do you think they would've constructed by now?

So instead of farting out some heavy-handed, half-assed attempt at satire drowned in the all too common snarkiness and sarcasm of the day, I would like to share with you a sincere, heartfelt list of things that I'm thankful for. Having said that, I will be avoiding the "thankful" cliches. Family, friends, blah yada Mexican. This Thanksgiving, I would like to show my appreciation for some things that always get overlooked on this holiday.

that ticklesMy abortion doctor - Also known as the hardest working man in show business. Abortion doctor is a pretty thankless job. They show up, kill that little miracle inside you, and go home. They rarely get the respect or admiration they deserve. Meanwhile, regular doctors just catch the mistake some idiot decided not to abort and they get all the kudos in the world. So a tip of the hat to all the doctors with a PhD in fetus-blending. And 217 more tips of the hat on behalf of all the babies I didn't have.
rap superstar
Rap - Whatever social relevance or creativity rap once had has long ago been suffocated beneath of pile of ugly jewelry, half words and bastard children. But there is value in rap music, and that is the strange way in which it helps keep the balance. The greedy and powerful keep many black people poor and ignorant. A handful of these black people make music praising greed and power. The remaining black people purchase their albums and concert tickets, thus keeping themselves poor and ignorant, as opposed to the rappers, who become rich and ignorant. It's kind of like black-on-black crime, but without guns. Well, fewer guns anyway.

he doesn't look gayMidgets and Gays - These two species have nothing to do with each other, but I am thankful for them for the same reasons. They are both an endless supply of humor and a mysterious liquid that fuels helicopters. And despite the fact that neither of them can reproduce, we get a fresh batch of them every February. That's good eatin'.
impeach van buren
Politics - I believe 99.9% and the other .1% of the population is stupid, but thanks to politics we all get to pretend we're really smart. It doesn't matter how ignorant or misinformed you are, if you've seen more than 30 seconds of programming on CNN or FOX News you are a fucking genius. The unemployed guy doing beat poetry who got kicked out of community college and is sleeping on his ex-girlfriend's couch? He knows exactly what to do about global warming. That alcoholic with the "Support our troops" magnet on his '89 Ford who just did a month for assaulting his wife? He'll tell you how we should handle Iran. Thanks, politics. I had no idea idiots were so brilliant.

has a first name it's c-u-n-tMy vagina - I don't think I need to explain this one. It's just awesome.

That is what I'm thankful for. Now I just need to figure out who I'm thanking, since God didn't give me any of that shit. Happy Thanksgiving, Darfur!

 

 



I'm thankful that all of those turkeys got what they deserved.


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