The End of November Thing
Happy Thanksgiving America! Oh...what the heck. I'll go ahead and wish a 'Happy Thanksgiving' to the entire world. I don't think they'll receive that greeting because computers and the ability to read are illegal in other countries, but it's still a nice gesture. Anyway, a lot has happened over the past two weeks, so let's get right to the news.
In political news, the Democrats recently took control of both houses of Congress. I'm usually indifferent about politics, but I can't help but be concerned about the future of my back-alley abortion/gay-marriage/stem-cell-research business.
And in entertainment news, the trainwreck known as Britney Spears' life continues to derail. She recently filed for divorce from Kevin Federline (also known as K-Fed and better known as Talentless Douche) and a bitter custody battle has ensued. In a surprise move, the court has ordered that their children be given to Madonna. As if that weren't bad enough, Federline has threatened to release a sex tape of the couple on their honeymoon. He said he would've released the tape already, but he hasn't had a chance to edit out the shots that clearly display the brand names 'Cheese-in-a-Can' and 'Miller High Life.'
Make Your T-Shirt Wishes Come True Contest
Would you like to get all of your favorite t-shirts without putting in an honest day's work at your shitty job so you can afford them? If so, you are in luck, my foe. We proudly announce the "Make Your T-Shirt Wishes Come True" contest. One lucky winner will receive all of his or her favorite shirts. And 10 slightly-less-lucky runners-up will receive one shirt of their choosing. The rest of you will be losers. As usual.
Click on this link to find out how to enter:
Huey Lewis and the New Shirts
Day of judgment, God is calling - On their knees, the war pigs crawling - Begging mercy for their sins - Satan, laughing, spreads his wings - New shirt time! We've got our typical array of godless new shirts just in time for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and any other holiday my insane uncle thinks he created.
Regardless of which holiday you're shopping for, we've got something for everyone (unless you're a goddamned Buddhist). Whether you like pot, anal or irony, we've got the shirt for you. We've also added a shirt which shows that, along with freedom, a sense of humor is on the march. Those and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
I'm a big fan of Thanksgiving. The family, the food, the ritualistic flogging...it's all good. But while I love Thanksgiving itself, I don't much care for the premise behind it. The premise I speak of is right there in the title - Thanks. Much like Christ is the root word in Christmas and spunk is the root word in Spunk Hashanah (my biannual giraffe masturbation festival), thanks is the root word in Thanksgiving and there's no getting around it. The entire day is built around giving thanks.
You may be wondering why I would have a problem with being thankful. I'll explain. Showing appreciation is good, but at the same time, we throw it around too readily. We say 'thank you' at the drop of a hat, even when we receive things out of obligation rather than kindness or when things are taken rather than given.
I refuse to play that game. I don't hand out my gratitude so liberally. People have to earn it. For example, I don't say 'thank you' when my dealer hands over a bag of feces from an albino, because that's his fucking job. And I don't say 'thank you' when I take babies away from women standing in the JC Penney's parking lot, because they don't hand them over willingly. It's all about deserving the thanks.
And that brings us back to my problem with Thanksgiving. Each Thanksgiving, we sit around and give thanks for a list of things that we've earned or taken, nothing that was given to us. And this dates back to the origins of Thanksgiving, when our forefathers thanked the Indians for sharing their land. Bullshit. They didn't share their land. We fucking TOOK their land. I don't have a problem with it, but, dude, give the appropriate response. After you rape someone's wife, burn down his village and kill his kids, you don't say "thank you." You say, "Now go open a casino, you godless savage." But I guess there's no way to work that into the name of a holiday.
So that's how this whole mess got started, but it should've ended then and there. I can even forgive the Pilgrims for founding Thanksgiving, because there's a good chance they were being ironic. Like, if instead of Christmas, we had called it "The Roman Guard and Nails Festival." So I can understand why the originators of the day would want to call it Thanksgiving, but they should've dropped it the second it became apparent that the red man was officially defeated. At that point, the name "Thanksgiving" went from ironic to blatantly insulting.
That has continued to this very day. We all thank God for a bunch of shit that WE'VE worked our asses off for. "Thanks for our good health?" Fuck that. I'll thank my doctor for my good health. My doctor and the guy that sells me panda urine. "Thanks for this food?" I don't know about any of you, but I can't recall one time when God ever paid my grocery bill. He's taken away a few of my pregnancies, but not once has he paid for my turkey. I assume people thank God in the generic sense that he started the universe and, therefore, he's responsible for everything we have. But that was millions of years ago. What the fuck has He done for me lately?
If anything, Americans should be receiving thanks rather than giving it on this day. Native Americans should be thanking us for allowing the remaining few to stay on our land, God should be thanking us for improving the shithole of a world he gave us, and other countries should be thanking us for even acknowledging their existence.
In fact, that's what we'll do. I don't want to drop the holiday, I just want the principles behind it to change. So America, this Thursday, get prepared to celebrate Thanksreceiving. Just sit back, stuff your fat craw with turkey and mashed potatoes like you always do, and let the thanks wash over you. Thanks for your time. Damn it!
Pretty (And Highly Effective) Hate Machine
From: Slappy K.
Sent: Wednesday, October 11, 2006
You people finally managed to offend me. That "plan C" is horrible and tasteless.
(Editor's Note: The shirt this person is referring to has a picture of a coat hanger and reads "Plan C." And, frankly, that shirt is nothing more than a political statement about abortion. It exposes the dangers of banning all abortion and reminds us all to be a little less irresponsible in the matters of sex. In fact, ever since we made that shirt, I'm down to two abortions a month.
But seriously, the real reason we made that shirt is just so we can all laugh a little about a very troublesome subject. Also, I recently dumped all my stock in the company that makes the 'Plan B' pill and I purchased a lot of stock in coat hangers.)
From: Jaenie K.
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006
This is regarding the hate mail you recieve every month. I just wanted to know - How can a site that believes so strongly in freedom of speech be so hateful to people who express their feelings to you? Are you going to make some witty comment about how it's only YOU who gets freedom of speech? I hope not, I have more faith in you than that.
I'm not trying to say anything bad about your company. I personally own one of the more "colorful" shirts you've offered, as well as bought a few for gifts. I think you guys are amazing, I was just curious to see if you actually believed all the things you reply to people. I'm ready to hear whatever you have to want to conclude about my intelligence, my upbringing, my grammar, and my religion (like you often do), but just please make sure you answer my original question.
(Editor's Note: Freedom of speech includes the freedom to hate. You can't always legally act on that hate the way you'd like to (me stabbing the pope in the taint, for example, was illegal), but you are allowed to hate. Having said that, I don't hate anyone (except for everyone). I hate that they're trying to rob others of free speech. Of course they have every right to say they hate a shirt, but when they're saying we have no right to print certain things or they threaten legal action (as ineffectual as it might be), that moves into the territory of oppression. Ultimately, they don't mean anything, but if they had it their way, virtually everything you hear or see would be censored.
So, yes, I do believe all the things in my responses. Because I believe in humor and free speech. And I believe anyone who opposes those things in any way should be destroyed. And we shall rise up and drive the Jews out of Poland! Sieg heil! Sieg...I'm sorry. I got carried away there. And don't worry, I'm not going to comment on your intelligence, upbringing, grammar or religion. Because I believe that if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, you should go to their house and rape them with a bowling pin. See you tomorrow, Jaenie!)
From: Johan V.
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2006
Subject: Hi, there
I just want to say, I'm from South Africa, and I think you people are sick in you heads to advertise T-shirts with headings such as: Everytime you see a rainbow, God is having gay sex! What propaganda is that? How can you think out stuff like that? But don't worry, the Word of God is going to judge you people one day!!! Have a fabulous time making t-shirts!!! Chow!
(Editor's Note: How the fuck is a joke propaganda? Did you recently hear the word propaganda for the first time and you just couldn't wait to use it? "Jews have such big noses because air is free" isn't propaganda. It's a fact. I mean joke. Anyway, can you prove that God isn't having gay sex when you see a rainbow? I didn't think so. I, on the other hand, have indisputable evidence that he does. I've got the whole thing on tape. God is a homeless crackhead, right?
And I don't really have any problem with God judging me when I die. I just wish people like you would stop beating him to the punch. Fuck, man...people like you feel so secure in the knowledge that God is up there waiting to judge us all, but you waste your entire lives doing his work for him. Believe it or not, God's got it covered. He's all-powerful. He doesn't need some dumbfuck from South Africa doing prep work.
Ciao. You see how that's spelled. It means goodbye, not time to eat. Hey, I see two rainbows. What the hell is God up to?)
From: hate monger
Sent: Saturday, October 21, 2006
Do you pricks think there is something funny about the tragic events of 9/11? Is it reasonable to pick on Britney Spears because she is vulnerable at this point in her life? You wouldn't be such smart cunts if Lahaine walked into your factory and shat all over the place, which is what he will do if you don't stop your nasty ways.
(Editor's Note: To answer your first two questions - yes and yes. Actually, that's not true. I don't think something about 9/11 is funny. I think everything about 9/11 is funny. In fact, now that I think about it, I can't recall having ever laughed before 9/11. I would listen to people tell jokes and I would watch the most highly regarded sitcoms and comedies, but I never so much as chuckled. But once those planes hit, man, I could not stop laughing. Now I even laugh at Carrot Top and Two and a Half Men. As long as it's a disaster, I can laugh at it.
And not only is it reasonable to pick on Britney Spears, it's the duty of every American that has the ability to hear. It's bad enough she hooked up with the only other person on the planet that matches her talent level and exposed him to the world, but then she went and shat out a couple of piles of DNA that somehow acquired human features while they were forming in the landfill of cum known as her womb. She's getting divorced, but the damage has been done. Maybe if bitches like you had joined the rest of us in ridiculing her instead of buying shitty albums, she would've ODed long ago and we wouldn't be dealing with this bullshit now.
Lastly, I don't plan on stopping my nasty ways any time soon, so go ahead and send Lahaine (whoever the hell that is) on over to the factory. I'll give him directions to my chest and mouth.)
Tune in to Our Next Newsletter - Same Bat Time, Same Bat Shaven Asshole
It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Unless it was with a minority or resulted in pregnancy.