Pat Morita has passed away at the age of 73. Best known for his work as the beloved sensei in "The Karate Kid" movies, Morita reportedly died of natural causes (but I suspect ninjas). Morita used to say that while he enjoyed the wax on, he spent much of his retirement perfecting the wax off. That and masturbating.
[The Indians Called Them Maize, We Call Them New Shirts]
You will want to give thanks when you see all of the great new shirts we have this week. We have great new holiday shirts; a baby shirt that is sure to be an instant classic; and additional shirts that will delight our high tech fans and those who live to mock people with disabilities.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
We have also created a helpful gift guide for those of you having trouble finding the right gifts for that special someone:
[The True Story of Thanksgiving)
There has been plenty written about the first Thanksgiving. Seriously, read a book once in a while and you'll see. It was great because there had been a good harvest. The white man taught the Indians how to turn corn into whiskey, and they taught the white man how to smoke dope and turn birch tree bark into primitive LSD. But it was always meant to be a one time thing.
But the Indians had other ideas. They started to show up every year. While initially finding the Indians amusing with their clown make-up, flamboyant headbands, and leather diapers, the white man now realized they were just a bunch of dirty hippies, sitting around looking for a handout.
Even worse, while the white man just wanted to sit around and watch football on Thanksgiving; the Indians all wanted to play lacrosse. The Pilgrims knew lacrosse was a godless, heathen activity and they thought it looked really gay.
True, the white men liked nailing the Indian princesses. They were really dirty, and you could generally have your choice for just a few beads or some shiny buttons. And even when you convert that to today's prices; banging a chick for 50 buttons is still a pretty good deal.
But the Pilgrims had plenty of farm animals to bugger and they liked to drill holes in pumpkins when they needed immediate sexual gratification. When their wives found the pumpkins with the holes drilled in them they told them they were 'jack-o-lanterns' and created a whole phony 'Halloween' tradition to explain them away. So, the Pilgrims decided to try and make a clean break with the natives.
They hatched a plan. They would cook up all of the worst shit and feed it to the Indians. Cook up turkey, which they knew would be dry. Then stuff it with old, stale bread. Make a sauce out of cranberries which are the nastiest, sourest fruit. And they would take all of the jack-o-lanterns (yes, those jack-o-lanterns) that had been lying around in the sun for a month and make them into pies.
Needless to say it didn't go well. Everyone was pissed and the Indians sulked around afterwards. Even though they had enjoyed the pumpkin pie, they didn't even stay to try and find the afikomen.
"If it's so much trouble to cook dinner for us," the Indians said "Next year, why not just make reservations some place?"
Well, the white men loved the idea of making reservations for the Indians.
It took a couple hundred years for the white man to get around to making all of them, but soon they stretched across the country and they seemed to work like a charm. Even the Indians admit dealing blackjack beats dancing to try and make rain. Plus, they're all pretty numb from the boozing.
I can't believe Indian's still take part in Thanksgiving Day parades, and in full traditional outfits no less. It always seems to me like Jews taking part in a celebration of Hitler's birthday and dressing up in concentration camp outfits.
Now, Americans love Thanksgiving, because now, we don't have to invite Indians over our houses. Plus, it's another reason to stuff our rich, fat, American faces. It's not just another excuse to over eat, it's almost mandatory. If you don't eat until you're bursting on Thanksgiving, you might as well wipe your ass with the American flag and then strangle your mother with it while you sodomize her. And I know a lot of you are thinking, "wipe your ass with the American flag and sodomize your mother? Isn't that how they celebrate Ramadan?" All I can say to that is I'm not sure. In my house all we celebrate is something I like to call, 'Hot Sexual Kwanzaa'.
[I Am Thankful For This Hatemail From All Of You Turkeys]
----- Original Message -----
From: Sara E
Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 9:44 PM
why don't you have the guts to come to the big apple sporting one of those "i (plane) ny" t-shirts,....that is if you can fit it over your turban.
(Editor's Note: We don't wear turbans. We wear those hats that have the beer cans mounted on the sides that let you drink both of the beers through a straw. Why do we wear beer can hats? Because beer can hats are fun and that's what we're all about! We don't wear turbans because next to berets, turbans are the least fun hats we know. Although, if they start making turbans that hold beer cans, we may have to reconsider. And we're not afraid to wear our 'I (Plane) NY' shirts in Manhattan. Most New Yorkers have an excellent sense of humor about 9/11. They realize if people like us keep it in the public eye, something really good might come out of this tragic event: like a day off from work! And if we're really lucky, it might even be celebrated with sales on new cars and mattresses.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Johanna T.
Sent: Friday, November 18, 2005 9:23 PM
Subject: **** U
Who ever you are; you are an idiot.
I am a black child and I do not appreciate being called a criminal.
There are plenty of white and Hispanic an Arabian "troublemakers" in the world. Why chose black babies to put on display.
Black children are innocent.
Oh yea I also visited that site and it's so stupid and who ever buys from that site is an idiot just like you. Why don't you put your children on a t shirt and say, "My Father\uncle\brother\friend is a freaking asshole" suck on that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bet you would never make a shirt like that now would you.
I hope that someone sues you for as much as possible.
Black Baby Bitches
(Editor's Note: Johanna you may think that we're racist but you're hardly in a position to call someone stupid. Your letter is almost unintelligible.
You seem to be a complete idiot. I don't often say that, because most idiots are incomplete in some way. But not you, you seem to really be the complete idiot package. There is not a bit of idiot missing from you. They couldn't squeeze an additional eyedropper's worth of idiot into you. Even if they put your head in a vice, and fired bullets at it that they had soaked in the drool of a hundred retarded children, they couldn't get more idiot into you. But I hope that doesn't discourage someone from trying. We have that shirt to poke fun at stereotypes. It is meant to be absurd. I'm sorry you are too stupid to appreciate that. What other things offend you? When people say they use colored pencils?)
----- Original Message -----
From: tena g.
Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 9:39 PM
Hey! I am one of your customers and I just want to know what is an appropriate way to act upon an incident that I came up to. Last month my family and I went to Sea World for my mom's birthday and as I got onto a ride a man commented me with a disgusting face and said, "what a horrible shirt!" and it looked like his eyes were going to pop out of its sockets. The shirt that I was wearing said, "There's a fuckin' asshole looking at me..." (front) "and he's still looking at me." (back) Sure it's a family place but I really wanted to say something back to him just didn't know what to say to someone that's probably a grampa that can't take a joke.
(Editor's Note: People have a lot of nerve Tena. Part of being great person, being a patriot and a freedom fighter is you're not always recognized in your own lifetime. But keep fighting the good fight until then. In response to, "what a horrible shirt", you might want to reply, "It doesn't compare to what's festering in your adult diapers grandpa! At least I'm not walking around in a stew of my own feces, piss, and the drippy yellow puss from my oozing bedsores you antique piece of shit. Hurry up and die you're a waste of natural resources. All of your friends are already dead and well on their way to becoming valuable coal. At least they're worm food you worthless relic." The other nice thing about Sea World is that you can always drown him in the nearest shark tank, push him in front of a moving rollercoaster, or throw him into a vicious killer penguin enclosure. Geepers, I feel like a commercial for the park. )
----- Original Message -----
From: Nada S.
Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:11 PM
When i saw your webcite, I really had to sit and think what kind of low life sits there and creates such hateful, meaningless garbage and attempts to sell it? I don't understand such hatred, this is what fuels ignorance and evil in the world today. I just hope that oneday your mind will pick up on reality and move from this complete rubbish.
(Editor's Note: I want to address some of the more blatant inaccuracies in your email. Our shirts are not hateful or meaningless. They are important social and political commentary. Some of them are just dick jokes, but they 're still important to those of us who enjoy dick jokes. We don't attempt to sell these shirts, they practically sell themselves! I don't think funny t-shirts fuel ignorance and evil in this world. Funny t-shirts promote literacy. Evil is fueled with super premium gasoline mixed with a little Red Bull. I am perfectly in tune with reality. It is you who live in a dream world where your opinions carry weight and you're ideas are somehow
[Same Great Rage, Holiday Pricing]
Road Rage Cards are the perfect holiday gift. Santa has a set he uses when he buzzes commercial jets. He also pelts the jets with reindeer shit, but for you that's not an option. Road Rage Cards are on sale for the holidays.
Just type the word, "hell" in the discount code box for $2 off every book that you buy.
Yes, that's it for this time. Now go buy all of your presents at our site.
This is no time to dilly dally. You can dilly dally later until your hand falls off. Just don't let your mom catch you.