|
11/23/04
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Mid November Newsletter!
-------------------------------------------------------------
One truck in a convoy of four loaded
with Thanksgiving turkeys, was intercepted by insurgents in Iraq
this week. All of the turkeys were beheaded. A U.S. spokesperson
issued the following statement. “It says a lot about the
insurgents, that they would treat defenseless animals in such
an inhumane manner.” The remaining unhijacked turkeys were
blindfolded, hooked up to car batteries, sodomized with light
sticks, piled in naked pyramids, cooked, and then eaten.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Pilgrims brought these shirts to Plymouth Cock
-------------------------------------------------------------
There are 9 new shirts all of them perfect gifts. They feature
many of your favorite fictional holiday characters like Santa
Claus, Rudolph, Jesus, and Adolph Hitler.
-------------------------------------------------------------
When you wish upon Star Jones ... she eats you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
We recently had a nice write up in
Stuff magazine, and probably a nice write up in the Spanish edition
of FHM. But it was in Spanish. For all I know it might have been
a recipe for spicy bean burritos.
You can read both articles here
Now is the time to sign up as
a member and create a wishlist of all of the t-shirt hell crap
that you want. If you don’t, your family and friends will
just buy you more adult diapers and candy corn for the third year
in a row.
Sign up here
If you’re already a member, go make
that wish list.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Thankful as Hell.
-------------------------------------------------------------
This is what I’m thankful for this
Thanksgiving.
I’m thankful for my dog, and his
big doggy dick. I finally had him neutered, so now we can have
all of the unprotected sex we want, and I don’t have to
worry about getting pregnant, again.
I’m thankful that heroin is cheaper,
more potent, and more widely available than ever. And yet, I can
still make an enormous profit when I sell the stuff. Silly third
graders think they’re so smart.
I’m thankful I can still find hookers
that like it rough. And by rough I mean my bed is covered in 80
grit sandpaper, and my hot tub is filled with rubbing alcohol.
But I always tip at least 10%
I’m thankful for my 4 year old half-dog
son Ralph.
I’m thankful that Bush declared our
mission accomplished in Iraq, and that this silly war on terror
is finally over.
I’m thankful for raindrops on roses,
and whiskers on kittens.
I’m thankful God has granted me the
strength, and given me the wisdom, and the pliers, to pull off
those whiskers.
I’m not thankful yet, but I’m
keeping my fingers crossed that Democratic boytoy John Edward
may soon be available.
I’m just thankful there’s a
new Bridget Jones movie. I mean, it’s been almost a week
since Hugh Grant has been in a romantic comedy.
But most of all I’m thankful for
idiots like you who lap up the vitriol that I spew like it was
mother’s milk. Now go make mommy happy and buy some t-shirts.
-------------------------------------------------------------
HATE MAIL
-------------------------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: Pennywise***@***.com
Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 6:47 PM
Subject: dead soilder shirt
I was a loyal customer to your website
and had bought a bunch of cool shirts.... but the dead soilder
shirt is crossing the line and im not sure I will be buying anymore
shirt from your site......
(Editor's Note: So you were a loyal customer,
but now you’re not? Well that kind of loyalty really sucks.
I think disloyal people like you should be dipped in chocolate,
and thrown to chocolate loving wolves: hungry, chocolate loving
wolves with dull teeth. That way your dismemberment will be slow
and painful. And the chocolate should be the type that is really
itchy; but itchy to people, not wolves.)
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: Trevor H
Sent: Monday, November 01, 2004 1:52 PM
This is by far the worst web site I have
ever come across! You are trash like no other I have ever seen!
Hopefully you practice safe sex.... can't imagine people like
yourselves multiplying! It's no wonder our country is going downhill
with people like you living here! You are trash!
(Editor's Note: We are the worst web site
you have ever come across? Have you ever been to another website?
Even if you take out all of the Japanese websites, we are still
really far from the worst website out there, but we do appreciate
your words of encouragement. And unfortunately, not only are we
multiplying, we are also doing long division. But if it makes
you feel better, we are not doing any math that involves fractions.)
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: "April F" <sexypigxxx @ xxx.com>
Sent: Monday, November 15, 2004 12:16 AM
Subject: RE: T-Shirt Hell: Invoice: #2177xx
Please cancel the invoice #2177xx. My daughter
ordered this on line without my permission. She doesn't even know
what the t-shirt means.
If there is a problem with this please
let me know
April F.
PRODUCTS ORDERED:
----------------------------------------
Quantity: 1
WEAPON OF ASS DESTRUCTION
MENS JERSEY | WHITE/BLACK | MEDIUM
Item price: $20.00
(Editor's Note: First off, her email address
really does start with sexypig. You can’t make this stuff
up. Second, April’s daughter is well aware of what her shirt
means, having participated at the professional level in the NFL;
the National Fisting League. This is a girl who has to tie a rope
around her waist so she doesn’t get completely sucked in
to the sphincter she’s intent on destroying with her patented
two handed tushy tomahawk. In fact, April’s daughter is
so skilled at fisting, that there is talk next year she might
be asked to join the WNBA. )
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: Billy S
Sent: Sunday, November 14, 2004 12:24 AM
You sick fucks better think about one thing...
most of your T-shirts are funny, and I take offense at few of
them. I draw the line, however, when you mock 9-11. Cancer can
be made fun of, AIDS can be made fun of, minorities can be made
fun of, but 9-11 is not ever funny. If it were up to me, you fucks
would have been part of the thousands who were killed during that
episode.
(Editor's Note: Another stupid pointless letter about these imaginary
lines that only these geniuses can see; that dictate what is funny
and what is not funny. Billy, I don’t wish you had died
along with the people who died on 9-11, I wish you had died in
place of them. That way they’d all still be alive, and I
would never have to receive your idiotic email. But if you’re
willing to die tomorrow you shit brained cockless, douchebag;
that’s fine, too.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently there was a fistfight between fans and players at a professional
basketball game. Not to be outdone, the National Hockey League
has announced that during every regular season game not only will
several fans be beaten, but one lucky fan will be tied between
two Zambonis, and stretched until they are torn in half.
Peace Poop.
|
