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Happy Thanksgiving, Native Americans. Get it? It's funny because Native Americans aren't allowed to own computers. And even if they did own computers they'd just be like "Why do I own this thing that can't get me drunk?" Other races are fun.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, don't forget the Black Friday sales. Go for the $100 flat-screens, stay for the fat ladies getting trampled to death. And remember to send pictures of yourself enjoying massively discounted products to the Asian kids who made it possible. It's what baby Jesus would've wanted.

9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is being brought to trial in New York. You know he'll just get a slap on the wrist like the death penalty. If we truly care about justice, we will settle for nothing less than making the victims' families fly planes into him. Eat hot Christian justice, Habib!

NASA just announced they have discovered a significant amount of water on the moon's surface. So wait... science is eager to find more water? So why are we worried about melting ice caps? Looks like I took a healthy dump all over your "logic." Suck it, science!

Twilight's sequel, New Moon, just came out. I went to see it. And for the first 30 minutes I thought it was yet another 3-D movie, but it turns out all those douchebags were IN the theater. But they did introduce a different innovation for the film. I just can't believe the theater found enough gay dudes to man a glory-hole at every seat.

Speaking of movies, the Oprah and Tyler Perry endorsed "Precious" has become a surprise hit. It's the story of an overweight black girl living in Harlem. And, brace yourselves, she's not played by Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence or a Wayans brother. She's an honest-to-god fat girl. Thank goodness. Actual fat people are so much funnier than comedy cancer wrapped in a fat suit.


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