Happy Thanksgiving, Native Americans. Get it? It's funny because Native Americans aren't allowed to own computers. And even if they did own computers they'd just be like "Why do I own this thing that can't get me drunk?" Other races are fun.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, don't forget the Black Friday sales. Go for the $100 flat-screens, stay for the fat ladies getting trampled to death. And remember to send pictures of yourself enjoying massively discounted products to the Asian kids who made it possible. It's what baby Jesus would've wanted.
9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is being brought to trial in New York. You know he'll just get a slap on the wrist like the death penalty. If we truly care about justice, we will settle for nothing less than making the victims' families fly planes into him. Eat hot Christian justice, Habib!
NASA just announced they have discovered a significant amount of water on the moon's surface. So wait... science is eager to find more water? So why are we worried about melting ice caps? Looks like I took a healthy dump all over your "logic." Suck it, science!
Twilight's sequel, New Moon, just came out. I went to see it. And for the first 30 minutes I thought it was yet another 3-D movie, but it turns out all those douchebags were IN the theater. But they did introduce a different innovation for the film. I just can't believe the theater found enough gay dudes to man a glory-hole at every seat.
Speaking of movies, the Oprah and Tyler Perry endorsed "Precious" has become a surprise hit. It's the story of an overweight black girl living in Harlem. And, brace yourselves, she's not played by Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence or a Wayans brother. She's an honest-to-god fat girl. Thank goodness. Actual fat people are so much funnier than comedy cancer wrapped in a fat suit.
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This may come as a shock to those of you have seen me purchase five dogs at a time just to see which breed burns longest, but I recently became a vegan. Call me a "pussy" or a "faggot" if you like (Not you, Andy Rooney. You need to stop), but I have fallen prey to PETA's incredibly harsh and in-your-face tactics.
I simply can no longer go on eating poor, defenseless animals. I mean, I don't want to be the one responsible for robbing a creature of a rich and fulfilling life that consists of a couple years of eating grass and shitting in the dirt.
In fact, it isn't enough that we stop eating animals. I say we start repaying these majestic beasts for the centuries of domestication and slaughter we've forced upon them. And what better way to make it up to these oppressed creatures than to destroy the very thing preventing their freedom? Yes, I am suggesting we start eating humans. We will now do for animals what Abe Lincoln failed to do for the slaves: eat their oppressors.
So I'd like to present my all-human Thanksgiving menu which I hope will, in some small way, make up for a lifetime of snuffing out life that would've had so much value. So many oinks left un-oinked, so many pools of feces not wallowed in... Tragic. That said, here is a list of traditional Thanksgiving dishes and what I have found to be the most suitable replacements. Enjoy.
Turkey and stuffing: Baby-stuffed midgets. Remember to use your own baby to make the stuffing. Store-bought babies are permissible if you don't have a baby, but you just can't taste the love.
Ham: Black guy's upper-thigh. As any cannibalistic serial killer worth his salt can tell you, few dishes provide a more succulent meal than a black man's upper thigh. However, it should be noted that this dish will leave you hungry and paranoid.
Green bean casserole: Old people; various races/parts. No group replicates the unpleasant taste and texture of green bean casserole quite like the elderly. So this Thanksgiving, reserve a quarter of your plate for Grandpa Herb, and let him be that stuff you shovel down the disposal in disgust.
Cranberry sauce: Your retarded cousin. All that Play-Doh he eats will make him easy to shape into the much preferred can-shaped log of sauce. Don't let your mom turn him into that homemade shit that looks like something you puked up after five shots. "Biting Jimmy" deserves better.
Mashed potatoes and gravy: Mashed homeless people. Because you can tell they're salty just by looking at them and being beaten down by life has probably left them soft but with just the right amount of firmness. Also, they eat the shit you throw away, so when you think about it, they're already something you wouldn't mind eating.
Candied yams: Samoans. Just like yams, Samoans are quite disgusting to look at, but then you eat one and it's like "Hey, these are actually pretty damn good." And don't think you can cut corners by eating just any Pacific Islanders. If you eat a guy from Papua New Guinea you might as well be eating a guy from Newark.
Pumpkin pie: Woman pie. This one is so obvious it's like requesting Mr. Pibb when the restaurant doesn't have Dr. Pepper. Because much like pumpkins, the only thing that gives women any value is their pie. If it weren't for the pie, would you really tolerate the presence of either of these things? Another similarity? Putting whipped cream on it helps distract from how disgusting it truly is.
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Are you people so stupid as to not expect people to be offended at how you portrayed Jesus? I thought it was the most stupid thing anyone could do. What are you? Taliban, You seem to have a terrorist attitude.
Editor's Note: Ridiculous. If I had a terrorist attitude, little chunks of my organs and bone shards would be splattered all over a bunch of dead kindergarteners. But since I'm not a terrorist, those kids were only burned alive.
You Christians are so concerned about us crossing a line with the church that you fail to notice we've crossed the line with a much more dangerous group: the Smurfs.
Ever since "Pop a Smurf" we have received countless threatening and disturbing emails. Stuff like "I'm going to Smurf your throat, collect your Smurf in a bag and Smurf it all over your mother while I Smurf my Smurf all over her lower Smurftestines."
So you and that pussy Jesus can fuck off. I've got more pressing things to worry about. I don't even want to think about what Brainy Smurf is going to do to my daughter's hymSmurf.
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From: Tyson K.
I was looking for some funny Christmas shirts for me and my family and I came across your disgusting shirts. This is hardly in the spirit of Christmas and I cant imagine why anyone would buy such things. If you choose to denagrate the most holy of days I wish you would do so in private.
Editor's Note: So, did you find our shirts to be disgusting before or after you came across them? How did you manage to cum across them anyway? I don't recall any of our shirts looking like a hairy anus. But I guess people see what they want to see. Which is why this response to your email probably reads like "[Throbbing cock] [Ballsack] [Hairy ass] [Sperm on lower back]"
And for your information, I do denigrate Christmas in private. Just because I do it publicly doesn't mean I stop when I'm alone. Because unlike preachy douches like you, I'm not a fucking hypocrite. I talk shit about Jesus whether I have an audience of zero or a thousand.
Whereas you send whiny emails about the spirit of Christmas one moment and touch your kids' buttholes the next moment. Wait... I think touching kids' buttholes might actually be in the spirit of Christmas. At least it is if you want it to be. That easily distorted book of yours sure is convenient.
Merry "Putting-on-an-act-for-the-neighbors" Day, everybody!
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From: Betty & Daniel
Am I mistaken or do you actually have a shirt for babies that says (Hung like a five year old) spelled out in little cocks? I don't know if that's too insensitive or just to crude
Either way, I can't believe some one would actually sell something like that. Whats the problem, was there no money to be made in stripper poles for babies?
Editor's Note: Since you brought it up, no, there was no money to be made in stripper poles for babies. It never really clicked with the public for whatever reason. Aside from the occasional "early release" you may suffer during a lapdance, you never really do anything with a stripper, so I honestly don't see what people's big hang-up was with putting their babies on the pole.
So there's your answer to that, smartass. Which one of you wrote this anyway: Betty or Daniel? In the past I would've naturally assumed it was Betty, but as the previous email shows, in the 21st century men are every bit as brain-faggoted as women. God bless these "all genders and races are equally moronic" times we live in.
Regarding your complaint with the shirt in question, I would simply like to say "you can go eat your dead grandmother's withered ovaries." Forgive the glib response, but I've already wasted too much time on your pile of bitch. Now go fuck yourselves, Betty and Daniel. And remember to put five condoms on that vagina Daniel calls a dick. Unless you actually wanted to produce an heir to the title of "World's Douchiest Douche."
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WOW!!! You guys SERIOUSLY sell shirts in size 5XL!!!!!! I'm on the husky side myself but please SHOOT ME if I ever get that BIG. No wonder everyone in United States is so FAT. Everybody is so tolerant and accommodating of peoples' SELF INFLICTED problems there's no reason for them to even ATTEMPT to improve themselves.
Editor's Note: Can't I just shoot you now? Don't get me wrong, I will gladly hold off until you plump up a bit, but I don't see the point in waiting. And since you have time to complain about shirt size options - Seriously? - I doubt you could give me a good reason either. As the old saying goes: Don't murder a pudgy cocksucker tomorrow if you can do it today.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but is your implication that companies should stop making clothes for fat people? I'm totally on board. Now let's consider the result of this little experiment - sweaty, naked porkers roaming the street without so much as a wisp of cotton separating me from mounds of jiggling flesh or the aroma of the holocaust. Now I'm REALLY on board.
Damn it. I just put "really" in caps for emphasis. Now you've got me doing it, you fucking DICK. Shit! I hope THIS doesn't become a HABIT. If this KEEPS up I'm going to DESTROY my caps LOCK key and BOTH of my shift KEYS. AAAAaaaaugh1 there, that's better. death to capitalizing11 shit, now i have no way to show emphasis. this has really backfired. goddamn it1 9i said angrily0
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[Roll Credits, Then Joints]
Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. And genocide.