BLING-BLING
LET'S GET FUCKED UP! LIKE THE ECONOMY
I PUT THE 'E' IN RAP
SANTA RUBBED YOUR TOOTHBRUSH ON HIS BALLS
I SAW MOMMY KISSING MRS. CLAUS
SPIN MY DREIDEL
YO YO YO - MERRY KWANZAA BITCHES
I ONLY SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE IF BOTH CHICKS ARE HOT
GIFT WRAP IS BACK
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
FUCKING CLASSY
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
WHITE FLOUR
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
ANTI-CHRIST '08 (BARACK OBAMA)
I DIDNT COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER


Brooke Burke recently won Dancing with the Stars and took home the... whatever the fuck they win on that show. This was a bit of a surprise, as many experts predicted Lance Bass would win. I would make a gay joke here, but seriously, if you watch Dancing with the Stars, you're about 10 times gayer than Lance Bass, regardless of how many cocks he shoves in his mouth.

President Bush recently pardoned "Pumpkin" the Thanksgiving turkey. I'm all for upholding this silly tradition, but seriously, how could Bush allow Pumpkin to get away with all those rapes?

Apparently feeling he was on a roll, President Bush also granted pardons to 14 individuals. And to balance things out, he had 14 innocent people wrongly imprisoned. Yeah! Let's see how you like it, people who didn't do anything wrong!

After 14 years of waiting, Guns and Roses have finally allowed everyone to know, instead of speculate, that Chinese Democracy sucks. The bands' follow-up, "It Took Years of Begging but I Finally Got Slash Back," is set to hit stores in 2028.

Hugh Jackman was recently named People's Sexiest Man Alive. And for an unprecedented tenth year in a row, runner-up goes to Willard Scott. Damn it, People! When will you open your eyes!

Twilight, a film based on the popular book series about teenage vampires, recently opened with $70 million in ticket sales. And that can mean only one thing: None of you assholes are allowed to complain about taxes ever again. Jesus Christ... I don't care if you did buy the tickets for your teenage daughters. You people deserve tax relief like Kim Kardashian deserves a Nobel Prize.


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As the year draws to a close, it is once again time for the major movie studios to release their prestige pictures in an attempt to win an Academy Award, while simultaneously trying to make you forget they released The Love Guru and Indiana Jones and the Steaming Pile of Shit just a few months earlier. Below, a list of films and performances vying for Oscar's attention in the coming weeks.

Hoping to recapture his former glory, James Cameron has removed two seconds of footage from Titanic and resubmitted it for Academy consideration as a new film titled Titanick.

The two chicks from 2 Girls 1 Cup have made a feature length film of the video that made them infamous. They've added a story line about abortion, giving their onscreen relationship some 2 girls in one cupmuch-needed emotional heft and relevance. The most touching scene occurs when one of the girls chews up the abortion and spits it in the other girl's asshole.

In an effort to reclaim the good will and respect he earned with The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan is releasing Threats. Basically, it's just him reading a list of Academy voters' children's names and what he'll do to them with various gardening tools if he doesn't win an Oscar. Twist ending: It doesn't suck!

Tuggin' at Your Heartstrings features Dakota Fanning as a sick girl who never ages. Along with her dying puppy, which also never ages, she survives the Plague, the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, the Holocaust, the Great Depression, Vietnam, the Challenger explosion, and 9-11.

picture 1Jessica Biel plays a rape victim in Dressed Like That, What'd You Expect? To prepare for the role, Biel packed on 100 lbs. and walked past a bunch of black guys.

To gain some respectability, Jenna Jameson remakes The Bells of St. Mary's, taking over the Ingrid Bergman role. It's a shot for shot remake of the original, with 27 extra minutes of cum-gargling.

Realizing that in the modern age the Academy loves to award Oscars to minority groups who haven't yet won any, Miramax releases Short on Sunscreen a film written by albinos, directed by amputees, and starring midgets. Oh, and the crew was all retards.

Steven Spielberg filmed himself shaving just long enough for the footage to qualify as a feature length film. He plans to buy the Academy and give the footage a record-breaking 48 Oscars.
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Desperate to be considered a legitimate filmmaker, Brett Ratner dug up Katharine Hepburn and cast her as the lead in his new movie My Aunt Corpsy.

Universal goes for their prestige picture with Blood Oscar, a stirring epic that shows that Oscars are made up of gold mined by impoverished children in Africa. Hopefully Hollywood can successfully raise awareness of Hollywood's unnecessary excess so we can put an end to it.

A group of actors completely devoid of any talent, including Jessica Alba and Vin Diesel, has decided it would be easier to petition for picture 1overly specific award categories rather than develop actual talent. Potential new categories include Best Wooden Performance, Most Stilted Delivery, Most Unconvincing Portrayal of a Human, and Actor Who Most Resembles Ben Stiller.

Looking to follow in the footsteps of Little Miss Sunshine and Juno, Miramax is releasing another indie called A Bunch of Quirky Characters Become Insufferable After the First Ten Minutes and then Pretend to Develop Some Heart While Pandering to Hipsters.

There it is, just a sample of the upcoming films your cool friends will reference shortly after rolling their eyes when you say Iron Man was awesome. Go see the best movies Hollywood has to offer. You won't understand them and they'll bore you to tears, but that just means they're really good, and you're an idiot. Enjoy the show, gang!


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