Brooke Burke recently won Dancing with the Stars and took home the... whatever the fuck they win on that show. This was a bit of a surprise, as many experts predicted Lance Bass would win. I would make a gay joke here, but seriously, if you watch Dancing with the Stars, you're about 10 times gayer than Lance Bass, regardless of how many cocks he shoves in his mouth.

President Bush recently pardoned "Pumpkin" the Thanksgiving turkey. I'm all for upholding this silly tradition, but seriously, how could Bush allow Pumpkin to get away with all those rapes?

Apparently feeling he was on a roll, President Bush also granted pardons to 14 individuals. And to balance things out, he had 14 innocent people wrongly imprisoned. Yeah! Let's see how you like it, people who didn't do anything wrong!

After 14 years of waiting, Guns and Roses have finally allowed everyone to know, instead of speculate, that Chinese Democracy sucks. The bands' follow-up, "It Took Years of Begging but I Finally Got Slash Back," is set to hit stores in 2028.

Hugh Jackman was recently named People's Sexiest Man Alive. And for an unprecedented tenth year in a row, runner-up goes to Willard Scott. Damn it, People! When will you open your eyes!

Twilight, a film based on the popular book series about teenage vampires, recently opened with $70 million in ticket sales. And that can mean only one thing: None of you assholes are allowed to complain about taxes ever again. Jesus Christ... I don't care if you did buy the tickets for your teenage daughters. You people deserve tax relief like Kim Kardashian deserves a Nobel Prize.

long division


picture 1

As the year draws to a close, it is once again time for the major movie studios to release their prestige pictures in an attempt to win an Academy Award, while simultaneously trying to make you forget they released The Love Guru and Indiana Jones and the Steaming Pile of Shit just a few months earlier. Below, a list of films and performances vying for Oscar's attention in the coming weeks.

Hoping to recapture his former glory, James Cameron has removed two seconds of footage from Titanic and resubmitted it for Academy consideration as a new film titled Titanick.

The two chicks from 2 Girls 1 Cup have made a feature length film of the video that made them infamous. They've added a story line about abortion, giving their onscreen relationship some 2 girls in one cupmuch-needed emotional heft and relevance. The most touching scene occurs when one of the girls chews up the abortion and spits it in the other girl's asshole.

In an effort to reclaim the good will and respect he earned with The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan is releasing Threats. Basically, it's just him reading a list of Academy voters' children's names and what he'll do to them with various gardening tools if he doesn't win an Oscar. Twist ending: It doesn't suck!

Tuggin' at Your Heartstrings features Dakota Fanning as a sick girl who never ages. Along with her dying puppy, which also never ages, she survives the Plague, the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, the Holocaust, the Great Depression, Vietnam, the Challenger explosion, and 9-11.

picture 1Jessica Biel plays a rape victim in Dressed Like That, What'd You Expect? To prepare for the role, Biel packed on 100 lbs. and walked past a bunch of black guys.

To gain some respectability, Jenna Jameson remakes The Bells of St. Mary's, taking over the Ingrid Bergman role. It's a shot for shot remake of the original, with 27 extra minutes of cum-gargling.

Realizing that in the modern age the Academy loves to award Oscars to minority groups who haven't yet won any, Miramax releases Short on Sunscreen a film written by albinos, directed by amputees, and starring midgets. Oh, and the crew was all retards.

Steven Spielberg filmed himself shaving just long enough for the footage to qualify as a feature length film. He plans to buy the Academy and give the footage a record-breaking 48 Oscars.
picture 1
Desperate to be considered a legitimate filmmaker, Brett Ratner dug up Katharine Hepburn and cast her as the lead in his new movie My Aunt Corpsy.

Universal goes for their prestige picture with Blood Oscar, a stirring epic that shows that Oscars are made up of gold mined by impoverished children in Africa. Hopefully Hollywood can successfully raise awareness of Hollywood's unnecessary excess so we can put an end to it.

A group of actors completely devoid of any talent, including Jessica Alba and Vin Diesel, has decided it would be easier to petition for picture 1overly specific award categories rather than develop actual talent. Potential new categories include Best Wooden Performance, Most Stilted Delivery, Most Unconvincing Portrayal of a Human, and Actor Who Most Resembles Ben Stiller.

Looking to follow in the footsteps of Little Miss Sunshine and Juno, Miramax is releasing another indie called A Bunch of Quirky Characters Become Insufferable After the First Ten Minutes and then Pretend to Develop Some Heart While Pandering to Hipsters.

There it is, just a sample of the upcoming films your cool friends will reference shortly after rolling their eyes when you say Iron Man was awesome. Go see the best movies Hollywood has to offer. You won't understand them and they'll bore you to tears, but that just means they're really good, and you're an idiot. Enjoy the show, gang!

Comments (5) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Aaron N  12/02/08 4:00 pm
I have a feeling that My Aunt Corpsy and its sequel will be decent, but Brett Ratner will feel the need to make a totally pointless third.

Iman Azol  12/03/08 8:37 am
Where the fuck are the new shirts, bitch?

Spekkio  12/03/08 2:22 pm
The Oscars should all go to the big three superhero movies ("Iron Man," "The Incredible Hulk," and "The Dark Knight"). Maybe throw one or two to "Punisher: War Zone" just for kicks. I haven't even seen "Dark Knight" or "Punisher" yet. I just know that they'll be better than the usual "What movie did they just give that statue to? I never heard of the damn thing." reaction I get when I read who won the Oscars. (What, you thought I'd watch the show?)

Chris  12/03/08 10:54 pm
I beg to differ. Jessica Alba has several talents. Two great tits and an ass to die for. Her face isn't bad either. Who cares about acting skills.

Death Magnetic  12/05/08 8:15 pm
I didn't realize that anything Hollywood put out as of late is any fucking good! Well, Tropic Thunder was awesome!!!


-----Original Message-----

9/11 was an inside job... From: Dave

I used to like your website and selection, but now it just seems more vulgar instead of just offensive. Most of the new ones don't even have a humorous side to them. It's a shame.

Editor's Note: Cunt Nigger Faggot Cock Spic Asshole Tits Snatch Twat Chink Taint Balls Queer Pubes Whore Bitch Dick Pussy Wetback Clit Foreskin Cum Period-blood Shit Piss

I'm sorry. I couldn't think of a response, so I just wrote down my shopping list. I hope Walgreens isn't out of faggot again.

Comments (18) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Your Mother\'s Boyfriend  12/01/08 1:17 pm
Oh my God... I am in tears... not from laughing, but your response to Dave just happens to be my grandfathers dying words - ver batum! Thanks for bringing back good memories, and keep up the good work!

Matt  12/02/08 7:56 am
So my local Wallgreen's isn't the only one that keeps running out of faggot? Must be a shortage.

CHRIST_error  12/02/08 9:18 am
FUCK anyone who think you're too offensive...anyone who takes anything offensive needs to be shot, everything is as it is and there is nothing you can do to change it, that's what these dumb people need to know.

Leeloo  12/02/08 4:24 pm
that was the most hilarious response to date! loved it

ToeTaggerH  12/02/08 5:25 pm
I can sell you 2 cunts and a foreskin.

God Hates God  12/03/08 2:52 am
You forgot Jew.

Jason Moore  12/03/08 1:06 pm
He also forgot fuck and nig nog! But who is keeping track. 1 2 3 not it!

Spekkio  12/03/08 2:25 pm
You're doing it wrong. In the immortal words of George Carlin: "Shit piss cunt fuck cocksucker motherfucker and tits."

I just love rattling off the seven dirty words. It's oddly relaxing - like a really vulgar litany or something.

apacholypse7  12/03/08 6:23 pm
I am in tears...they are running down my cock...and staining my balls.

A perfect answer to a fucking idiotic letter...keep up the good work Tshirt are not only are fuckinawesomlicious....

rickky  12/04/08 11:28 am
I'm really offended by your Jessica Biel comment! Your standards are slipping when you said "Raped by two Black guys" when you should have said "Niggers"
Other than that you're doing a fine job of making me laugh and feel superior to non-T-Shirt Hell subscribers!

Death Magnetic  12/05/08 8:18 pm
Dave is a vaginal blood fart!!!! How's that for a new one?

Pud  12/06/08 8:40 am
You have to be the wittyest and best satirist in American today. Don't you want to seduce a hairy middle aged semi racist? Why don't you have a TV show?

hoovdaddy  12/06/08 10:10 am
Dave is A Butt Jockey...Don't go being a twat t-shirt hell! you are awesome

Tasha  12/07/08 10:08 pm
It ts so hard to find good queer pubes nowadays.

Dan  12/08/08 10:26 pm
I thought he was talking about virgins! Thank God he wasn't cause that would be offensive to all of them.

Rowena  12/13/08 9:13 pm
LOLOLOLOLOLOL...cough, cough, hack, snort, snoooort, chhhouggghhhh...ack, ,,,,gasp...ok, i just coughed up a giant LOOGie! THanks, TSHIRTHELL!

k.c.  12/20/08 3:03 pm

Ursula  12/23/08 6:16 am
CHRIST_error, you don't have a clue what you're talking about do you? I'm starting to agree with Dave, the humor is going down the drain. You need new writers.

joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Jonathan H.

I am at a loss of words and completely horrified at your newest t-shirt "I just found out about Darfur and I still don't give a fuck." It is disgusting to see the carelessness towards the wholesale slaughter of minority groups being glorified in a t-shirt! What is next? T-shirts glorifying the extermination of jews, blacks, people with special needs or gypsies in Nazi Germany?

I am sickened to think I bought t-shirts from your company and promoted it to my friends and I will certainly be sure to follow up with them regarding the callousness of the message of your latest tshirt. If you choose to remove the shirt from your collection please contact me as I will certainly not be purchasing more products from you as I had intended in the past!

Editor's Note: Here's a tip, kids - Never open your email with "I am at a loss of words" before writing about one hundred more words. That's nearly as misleading as when I approach tollbooth workers and say "Now, I'm not one to rape people with a broken chair leg..." If you were truly at a loss for words, your entire email would've read "Name: Jonathan - Subject:     " And it would've been slightly more intelligent.

Anyway, your entire message is off base. It was not our intention to display any kind of insensitivity regarding Darfur. In fact, I don't even know what Darfur is. I assume it's either a German car or some new species of bat. Either way, when we designed that shirt we were simply trying to raise awareness of "about". It is a dangerous preposition and people need to be made aware.

Sure, it's easy to sit on the sidelines and hope "about" just goes away, but you have a responsibility to the society you live in to be informed and do everything you can to stamp out this word. And Jews. Wipe out the Jews.

Comments (23) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Becca  12/01/08 1:28 am
I mean shit...i thought the shirt was funny...cuz its true...but really? if you're gonna sell a shirt dealing with current events, shouldn't you do a little reading first? so...if someone such as this guy desides to start bashing ur shit you can shut him down with out sounding like an idiot...

im just sayin...

tim  12/01/08 11:29 pm
Becca, only two people look stupid thanks to T-Shirt Hell's response: Johnathan H and you. Going into great detail about genocide doesn't make for a very funny response, so showing indifference by feigning ignorance is an effective response. You see, adults use this thing called 'humor' to make people laugh. This includes sarcasm.

im just sayin...

Charlie  12/02/08 5:32 am

T-shirts glorifying the extermination of jews, blacks, people with special needs or gypsies in Nazi Germany?


^ don't u already do that.... :s just sayin....

Christmas Bear  12/02/08 8:33 am
WHY is there not a shirt that says something like "I trample for Wal-Mart" or somthing like that?

I'm just sayin...

Ronman  12/02/08 9:58 am
I thought Darfur was some slang term for retard hair.

Huntress  12/02/08 11:02 am
Christmas Bear, totally second that motion.

And Becca...go fuck some diseased refugee.

I'm just sayin'

drlg  12/02/08 12:04 pm
People get so offended by the offensive shirts. WTF is that all about?

And actually, the shirts aren't offensive by themselves. They're only offensive if someone takes offense. Some of your shirts I don't care for. But guess what? I don't buy them. You have a whole bunch of other shirts that I really like and agree with, and those I usually purchase. Keep up the good work!

Aaron N  12/02/08 4:07 pm
Perhaps for guys like this you should create a shirt that reads "I care about Darfur and there's nothing I can do about it.. but I care and I guess that means something." That would make us all happy.

People who leave comments are fckin stupid - heres mine  12/02/08 5:32 pm
I would imagine christians in Africa, killing and hacking people to death with machetes, would be quite popular on this site. I feel for Johnathan, but then again, I dont give a fuck.

BARBARA  12/02/08 6:40 pm
I live the "We're Fucked" t-shirt ! I don't think i can get away with wearing it in my community, as a respectable mom, businesswoman, and Director of a non profit organization, however I am thinking of buying it to wear under a snap-button shirt, and when things get really bad for everyone around me (ie: a bomb explodes, and earthquake opens up the roadways, we get encircled by flames, etc...) I can whip open the snaps and show how I feel without any lashback. What is the proper way for me to wear such a shirt?

don't give a fuck either  12/02/08 9:15 pm
Hate to break it to ya kiddies but Darfur in a new species of lowland carpet munchers discovered somewhere far far away....New Zealand I believe.....similar to the Gila monster with a touch of fruit bat thrown in the gene pool just for fun. Don't forget to pack a pistol if you plan on going out at night.....those little Dafur bastards are quick and deadly. Makes me almost wish Steve Erwin was still alive....almost....but then again he was an annoying prick.

God Hates God  12/03/08 2:55 am
Fuck semantics! Death for Darfur.

Every time someone buys a Darfur shirt, a little nigger gets his wings... which is good because I don't want none in my Hell suite.

Iman Azolm  12/03/08 8:33 am
I'd totally buy a shirt with a picture of a roasting Jew on it.

B Obama  12/03/08 7:50 pm
Everytime a nigger gets his wings?? Isn't that how we ended up with bats?

WMD  12/04/08 9:01 am
To be honest, up until this moment, I thought Darfur was a character from Harry Potter. I give about as much fuck now is I did when I was still ignorant.

zasz  12/05/08 12:26 am
the nazis exterminated people with special gypsies? the history books are all lies people! what else dont we know?

Bite Me  12/05/08 4:58 am
You are obviously a very caring and sensitive individual, though somewhat uninformed. In a land that is comprised mostly of blacks - How in the hell can more blacks be considered a minority? Why don't you waltz over in your penny loafers and join hands with all your dear friends to form a Healing Circle Jerk! You douchebag guzzler.

Death Magnetic  12/05/08 8:29 pm
Roast Jew? Sounds like an exotic dish served on crackers with cocktail sauce and sharp cheddar cheese.

Hoovdaddy  12/06/08 10:17 am
i thought darfur was what the doctor prescribed when you get the clap

Tee Hell  12/06/08 10:27 am
i think you made up those letters....

but what the hell?! TshirtHell is the greatest T-shirt thing on earth you retard!
(hehe i'm such a kissass :P)

Buck O'Fama  12/09/08 12:34 pm
I remember watching The Wizard of Oz as a child and thinking how cool the flying niggers were. Good thing it was just a movie, otherwise there would not be a liquor store or asshole safe and can you imagine prisons full of flying niggers?

CrazyIvan  12/11/08 12:43 am
I just love how you ended your response. "And Jews. Wipe out the Jews." I laughed my ass off for 10 whole minutes! Keep up the good work!!!

Alan J  01/07/09 10:44 am
Too bad you aren't at a loss for retarded shit spewing from your mouth. Just JUMP! All the cool kids are doing it.

division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Puzzled

JMO, your 'Happy Shirts' will be hitting the discount bin shortly. You know it would be (slightly ) less effort to just ask people to send you a donation than to sell that line.

Editor's Note: God, what a great idea. Sometimes it takes the simplest mind to point out the obvious, so thanks for that.

Okay... so how should I phrase this? We certainly don't need any kind of financial help, but if we can somehow get money without providing a product or service... Hang funny T-shirts, I say! It can't be too hard. There are all manner of organizations that raise money simply by claiming to be in support of some intangible idea like equality. I mean, if the NAACP and the ACLU can exist, why can't T-Shirt Hell take to selling nothing?

So let's see... our theme will be... Goodness. Everybody likes goodness, right? So, yeah, that's our cause.

TSH promotes goodness. Don't sit idly by and allow goodness to go unfunded. Goodness needs all the help it can get. You know, in the form of money. Your good deeds and decency are nice, but the only surefire way to spread goodness is to give money to a faceless organization. An organization with a president and a board of directors who will undoubtedly be greedy and corrupt.

There you have it; throw enough money at some random group who claims they care about something and the world will be fixed soon enough. And even after we've covered the entire planet in goodness, we will persist; fighting fights we don't need to fight and making it impossible for any work to be done without forcing everyone on the planet to jump through hoops and cut through red tape for several years.

I guess I kind of strayed away from the point of this email. What was it you were saying? Happy Shirts suck? Alright, uhh... eat my dirty snatch. There, that's just as good as anything else. (Fart sound)

Comments (6) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Aaron N  12/02/08 4:12 pm
If you want my dad's support, just say you also support a flat tax or gun ownership rights. He would jump on board in a heartbeat.

Oh and running for office on a platform of change also causes people you've never met to send you all little money they have.

ToeTaggerH  12/02/08 5:36 pm

george  12/04/08 11:06 pm
yea! 99% of non profit groups are just money laundering schemes ! and then people give even MORE money to them... people are so dumb

Death Magnetic  12/05/08 8:40 pm
Money, greed and anal sex makes the world go 'round!!!

hoovdaddy  12/06/08 10:21 am
no no no, its money, greed, anal sex, and ass to mouth that makes the world go round!

Happy Happy  12/06/08 6:28 pm
"I HATE EVERY ONE OF YOU" is my favorite one... because it's true.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Bernie S.

That gay Jesus will send some one to hell.

Editor's Note:Gay Jesus wishes to respond with the following:

"Listen here, Mister Sister- I have no intention of sending anyone to hell. Where do you Silly Billies get the idea that I want to send people to hell all day long? All I want to do is make a nice hot cup of tea, open a good book and rest my head against Derek's chest until I fall asleep.

I am and always have been about peace and love and dancing shirtless at Man-Handlers. I don't know who decided to turn me into Satan's concierge, but I have no desire to spend all of my free time ushering people through the Gates of Hell. I'm too busy being fabulous to hang out near a sulphurous hole all night. Well... not that kind of sulphurous hole.

So to Bernie and all the other haters of the marvelous: Get over yourselves, honey! Don't get on my ass just because you've got a stick up yours. Three snaps and I'm out!"

Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment

The Crusher  12/02/08 6:25 am
Dear Bernie S.:

Wise Up. There is No Hell, except the one where I stumble around this planet surrounded by idiot fundaloonies for my entire life.

Weekend at Bernie's  12/02/08 8:42 am
Think about this.... Mr. Bernie S. is PROBABLY a Christian. That's why he is just so darn preachy. So he dies, goes to heaven, and now there is just one more douche to throw on the pile. Now you have godless open-minded people like John Lennon, Lemmy, Stephen Hawking, Julius Axelrod (Pirate) and many more going to "hell." I don't know about you but I know where the party's at.

I bought the gay Jesus shirt and I love it and wear it every Sunday to various churches to show my support of Mr. Can't Defend Himself Against a Couple Nails.

Barry S  12/02/08 1:36 pm
This would be offensive if in fact there was a God. But there isn't so FUCK it and Bernie.

Aaron N  12/02/08 4:26 pm
Just playing 'devil's advocate' here, but isn't criticizing someone for believing there is a god/heaven/hell, and responding with "there isn't a god/heaven/hell" equally ignorant?... both are arguments that no one can prove...

ToeTaggerH  12/02/08 5:40 pm
Aaron, None of us need to Prove there is no god. Can you prove there are no fairies or monsters? what?!? you cant? DUH, you can't prove the non-existence of something other than the obvious fact its not fucking there.

Iman Azol  12/03/08 8:35 am
Can you prove I give a shit?

Jason Moore  12/03/08 1:02 pm
Gay Jesus makes me giggle like a school girl.

*sigh*  12/03/08 9:48 pm
If I were a christian (which I'm not but that's irrelevant) I'd be well narked at people like Bernie S making Christians all look like blithering idiots. However some of you are doing quite a good job of making atheists look thick as shit as well.

Aaron N  12/04/08 10:42 am
There goes ToeTagger just furthering my point. Hey, let's go on and on asserting how right I am about something I have no evidence of.

Netti K.  12/04/08 12:59 pm
Dear Gay Jesus...
YOU GO GIRL!! I personally love the idea of a gay Jesus, I mean think about it, he did EXACTLY what daddy told him to do, Asked forgiveness of the guy that stuck it to him, and had to come back one more time to say good bye.. sounds to me like a more realistic Jesus than the one they try to shove down our throats on a daily basis.

Derek  12/05/08 12:15 am
Honey, i shove gay jesus down my throat on a regular basis and it is 'Mmm mm good!'

Gay Jesus is Hot  12/05/08 7:10 am
I'm gay and a pagan, and I love this shirt. I don't think one's belief system or lack thereof should have anything to do with the enjoyment of what is obviously an amusing joke. Grow a sense of humor.

Death Magnetic  12/05/08 8:43 pm
Gay Jesus is gay!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!

Brian  12/05/08 9:00 pm
Derek, Get off my man. I will shank a bitch and you will be that bitch.

Hezekiah  12/10/08 3:51 pm
im christian.....and the shirt is kinda offensive...but i know how to laugh at stuff so...ITS JUST A DAMN SHIRT

t hill  12/14/08 8:15 pm
i thought jesus was a vampire?

division of labor

[The End - I Faked It]

Life is a journey, not a destination. It's only a coincidence that every single life leads to death.