Brooke Burke recently won Dancing with the Stars and took home the... whatever the fuck they win on that show. This was a bit of a surprise, as many experts predicted Lance Bass would win. I would make a gay joke here, but seriously, if you watch Dancing with the Stars, you're about 10 times gayer than Lance Bass, regardless of how many cocks he shoves in his mouth.
President Bush recently pardoned "Pumpkin" the Thanksgiving turkey. I'm all for upholding this silly tradition, but seriously, how could Bush allow Pumpkin to get away with all those rapes?
Apparently feeling he was on a roll, President Bush also granted pardons to 14 individuals. And to balance things out, he had 14 innocent people wrongly imprisoned. Yeah! Let's see how you like it, people who didn't do anything wrong!
After 14 years of waiting, Guns and Roses have finally allowed everyone to know, instead of speculate, that Chinese Democracy sucks. The bands' follow-up, "It Took Years of Begging but I Finally Got Slash Back," is set to hit stores in 2028.
Hugh Jackman was recently named People's Sexiest Man Alive. And for an unprecedented tenth year in a row, runner-up goes to Willard Scott. Damn it, People! When will you open your eyes!
Twilight, a film based on the popular book series about teenage vampires, recently opened with $70 million in ticket sales. And that can mean only one thing: None of you assholes are allowed to complain about taxes ever again. Jesus Christ... I don't care if you did buy the tickets for your teenage daughters. You people deserve tax relief like Kim Kardashian deserves a Nobel Prize.
As the year draws to a close, it is once again time for the major movie studios to release their prestige pictures in an attempt to win an Academy Award, while simultaneously trying to make you forget they released The Love Guru and Indiana Jones and the Steaming Pile of Shit just a few months earlier. Below, a list of films and performances vying for Oscar's attention in the coming weeks.
Hoping to recapture his former glory, James Cameron has removed two seconds of footage from Titanic and resubmitted it for Academy consideration as a new film titled Titanick.
The two chicks from 2 Girls 1 Cup have made a feature length film of the video that made them infamous. They've added a story line about abortion, giving their onscreen relationship some much-needed emotional heft and relevance. The most touching scene occurs when one of the girls chews up the abortion and spits it in the other girl's asshole.
In an effort to reclaim the good will and respect he earned with The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan is releasing Threats. Basically, it's just him reading a list of Academy voters' children's names and what he'll do to them with various gardening tools if he doesn't win an Oscar. Twist ending: It doesn't suck!
Tuggin' at Your Heartstrings features Dakota Fanning as a sick girl who never ages. Along with her dying puppy, which also never ages, she survives the Plague, the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, the Holocaust, the Great Depression, Vietnam, the Challenger explosion, and 9-11.
Jessica Biel plays a rape victim in Dressed Like That, What'd You Expect? To prepare for the role, Biel packed on 100 lbs. and walked past a bunch of black guys.
To gain some respectability, Jenna Jameson remakes The Bells of St. Mary's, taking over the Ingrid Bergman role. It's a shot for shot remake of the original, with 27 extra minutes of cum-gargling.
Realizing that in the modern age the Academy loves to award Oscars to minority groups who haven't yet won any, Miramax releases Short on Sunscreen a film written by albinos, directed by amputees, and starring midgets. Oh, and the crew was all retards.
Steven Spielberg filmed himself shaving just long enough for the footage to qualify as a feature length film. He plans to buy the Academy and give the footage a record-breaking 48 Oscars.
Desperate to be considered a legitimate filmmaker, Brett Ratner dug up Katharine Hepburn and cast her as the lead in his new movie My Aunt Corpsy.
Universal goes for their prestige picture with Blood Oscar, a stirring epic that shows that Oscars are made up of gold mined by impoverished children in Africa. Hopefully Hollywood can successfully raise awareness of Hollywood's unnecessary excess so we can put an end to it.
A group of actors completely devoid of any talent, including Jessica Alba and Vin Diesel, has decided it would be easier to petition for overly specific award categories rather than develop actual talent. Potential new categories include Best Wooden Performance, Most Stilted Delivery, Most Unconvincing Portrayal of a Human, and Actor Who Most Resembles Ben Stiller.
Looking to follow in the footsteps of Little Miss Sunshine and Juno, Miramax is releasing another indie called A Bunch of Quirky Characters Become Insufferable After the First Ten Minutes and then Pretend to Develop Some Heart While Pandering to Hipsters.
There it is, just a sample of the upcoming films your cool friends will reference shortly after rolling their eyes when you say Iron Man was awesome. Go see the best movies Hollywood has to offer. You won't understand them and they'll bore you to tears, but that just means they're really good, and you're an idiot. Enjoy the show, gang!
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I used to like your website and selection, but now it just seems more vulgar instead of just offensive. Most of the new ones don't even have a humorous side to them. It's a shame.
Editor's Note: Cunt Nigger Faggot Cock Spic Asshole Tits Snatch Twat Chink Taint Balls Queer Pubes Whore Bitch Dick Pussy Wetback Clit Foreskin Cum Period-blood Shit Piss
I'm sorry. I couldn't think of a response, so I just wrote down my shopping list. I hope Walgreens isn't out of faggot again.
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From: Jonathan H.
I am at a loss of words and completely horrified at your newest t-shirt "I just found out about Darfur and I still don't give a fuck." It is disgusting to see the carelessness towards the wholesale slaughter of minority groups being glorified in a t-shirt! What is next? T-shirts glorifying the extermination of jews, blacks, people with special needs or gypsies in Nazi Germany?
I am sickened to think I bought t-shirts from your company and promoted it to my friends and I will certainly be sure to follow up with them regarding the callousness of the message of your latest tshirt. If you choose to remove the shirt from your collection please contact me as I will certainly not be purchasing more products from you as I had intended in the past!
Editor's Note: Here's a tip, kids - Never open your email with "I am at a loss of words" before writing about one hundred more words. That's nearly as misleading as when I approach tollbooth workers and say "Now, I'm not one to rape people with a broken chair leg..." If you were truly at a loss for words, your entire email would've read "Name: Jonathan - Subject: " And it would've been slightly more intelligent.
Anyway, your entire message is off base. It was not our intention to display any kind of insensitivity regarding Darfur. In fact, I don't even know what Darfur is. I assume it's either a German car or some new species of bat. Either way, when we designed that shirt we were simply trying to raise awareness of "about". It is a dangerous preposition and people need to be made aware.
Sure, it's easy to sit on the sidelines and hope "about" just goes away, but you have a responsibility to the society you live in to be informed and do everything you can to stamp out this word. And Jews. Wipe out the Jews.
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JMO, your 'Happy Shirts' will be hitting the discount bin shortly. You know it would be (slightly ) less effort to just ask people to send you a donation than to sell that line.
Editor's Note: God, what a great idea. Sometimes it takes the simplest mind to point out the obvious, so thanks for that.
Okay... so how should I phrase this? We certainly don't need any kind of financial help, but if we can somehow get money without providing a product or service... Hang funny T-shirts, I say! It can't be too hard. There are all manner of organizations that raise money simply by claiming to be in support of some intangible idea like equality. I mean, if the NAACP and the ACLU can exist, why can't T-Shirt Hell take to selling nothing?
So let's see... our theme will be... Goodness. Everybody likes goodness, right? So, yeah, that's our cause.
TSH promotes goodness. Don't sit idly by and allow goodness to go unfunded. Goodness needs all the help it can get. You know, in the form of money. Your good deeds and decency are nice, but the only surefire way to spread goodness is to give money to a faceless organization. An organization with a president and a board of directors who will undoubtedly be greedy and corrupt.
There you have it; throw enough money at some random group who claims they care about something and the world will be fixed soon enough. And even after we've covered the entire planet in goodness, we will persist; fighting fights we don't need to fight and making it impossible for any work to be done without forcing everyone on the planet to jump through hoops and cut through red tape for several years.
I guess I kind of strayed away from the point of this email. What was it you were saying? Happy Shirts suck? Alright, uhh... eat my dirty snatch. There, that's just as good as anything else. (Fart sound)
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From: Bernie S.
That gay Jesus will send some one to hell.
Editor's Note:Gay Jesus wishes to respond with the following:
"Listen here, Mister Sister- I have no intention of sending anyone to hell. Where do you Silly Billies get the idea that I want to send people to hell all day long? All I want to do is make a nice hot cup of tea, open a good book and rest my head against Derek's chest until I fall asleep.
I am and always have been about peace and love and dancing shirtless at Man-Handlers. I don't know who decided to turn me into Satan's concierge, but I have no desire to spend all of my free time ushering people through the Gates of Hell. I'm too busy being fabulous to hang out near a sulphurous hole all night. Well... not that kind of sulphurous hole.
So to Bernie and all the other haters of the marvelous: Get over yourselves, honey! Don't get on my ass just because you've got a stick up yours. Three snaps and I'm out!"
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[The End - I Faked It]
Life is a journey, not a destination. It's only a coincidence that every single life leads to death.