December is finally here and Christmas is just around the corner. To be fair, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are also coming up soon, but we all know who the star of the show is. Christmas is like the John and Paul of the group. Hanukkah is the George. And Kwanzaa is the black guy who sets up Ringo's drums.
Daredevil (and homemaker) Evel Knievel passed away at the age of 69. Sure, he can jump over 20 buses unharmed but diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis were too much for him. Pussy. I'm just glad he went by Evel Knievel instead of Good Knievel, or else he would've died much younger. Yikes...I'm gonna go gargle with hobo sperm to get the taste of that joke out of my mouth.
So, a guy with a bomb strapped to his chest walks into Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire...I forget the punchline, but I think the guy pulls out a one-foot tall piano player. But seriously, it was a tense hostage situation but thankfully everyone escaped unharmed. It was dicey for a while, but at the last second Hillary burst through the door and beat the man to death with her cock.
The hit show "Dancing With the Stars" crowned this year's winners last week. And the winner was...anyone who doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Sudan has charged a British teacher with inciting hatred and showing contempt of religious beliefs after she allowed her class to name a teddy bear Muhammad. I just hope they don't find out about my pet ferret. His name is "Allah Sucks My Fat Clit, Jr."
Whether you're Christian, the Jew version of Christian, or that religion where you blow stuff up; our new shirts will provide you with the perfect Christmas gift. In addition to our vagina-kicking new shirts, we've also brought back some old favorites and some classic holiday shirts just in time to beat next year's Arbor Day rush.
Happy holidays and God bless us, every one. Except for Tiny Tim. He just died of Walking Stick AIDS.
Our new shirts are here:
If you don't know what limited edition shirts are, they're all of the shirts that we used to sell, that are no longer available on the site, that we bring back a couple times a year. Remember, that the limited edition shirts and giftwrap are available in extremely limited styles, colors, and sizes so don't wait to place your order or you won't get what you want. But you will get what you need. Wait, that's not right. You won't get what you want or need. Trust me.
Christmas is the perfect holiday. It offers Christians and secularists (they worship Secular Jesus) the opportunity to put their respective beliefs aside and come together in the name of materialism. But while both groups agree that buying overpriced products made by Asian children is the perfect way to celebrate, they disagree over which lovable character should receive the props.
We all know that Jesus and Santa existed and that both were the product of God fucking a 13-year-old, but which one better embodies the Spirit of Christmas (Copyright - 1982)? Is it Santa with his good cheer and giving nature? Or is it Jesus with his flowing hair and screams of "Shit, my fucking hands!"?
I say "Why not both?" Rather than quibble over something as trivial as who you have to accept as your personal savior in order to spend eternity in heaven, just accept everything as your savior to cover all your bases. Jesus? Sure. Santa? Sounds great. Wesley Snipes' taint? Why not? It is in this spirit which I have written the following letter to Santa and Jesus. Merry [name of holiday here], everybody!
I have been a very good [boy/girl/religious fanatic] this year. I [did my chores/felt guilty about doing something pleasurable] every day. I also remembered to [brush my teeth/pass judgment on a homosexual] every night. And I did really good in [school/church] too. My [teacher/priest] said that I [was a very good student/did a good job of keeping my mouth shut].
Since I have been so good, I would like [a new bike/something to hit Jews with]. But I don't just want something for myself. [My mom/The lady who says it's blasphemy when I smile] is very sick with [cancer/the blessing of faulty cells that you gave her]. Please help her [get well/realize that treatment may be more effective than prayer].
[My friends/Science] said you aren't real, but I don't believe it because [I saw you at the mall/the lie keeps me happy]. Thanks for reading this. I'll remember to leave out [some cookies and milk/a dead virgin and the head of a heretic] for you.
[Gullibly/Just as gullibly] yours,
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From: witchgirl*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, November 26, 2007
Subject: Shake Me shirt
Hi.. I am Helen, I am writing this because it has been brought to my attention that you sell a babies shirt that says "They Shake Me!"...I am very concerned and disgusted by this... THIS is NOT A JOKE>.. Shaken Baby Syndrome affects some 1200 to 1400 babies a year...just in my state alone last year 70 cases of SBS were reported and 8 died...
SBS is CHILD ABUSE and this shirt makes it a joke..It is NOT..I see the results every day...Shaken Baby Syndrome Kills our kids...and the ones "lucky" enough to survive are ridden with medical problems from the severe injuries they have been dealt...Please remove this from your stock and help us make a difference and stop SBS
Editor's Note: Here we go again. You morally superior types are always focusing on the negative. So seventy cases of SBS were reported in your state last year. What about the hundreds and hundreds of cases that weren't reported? The world is as good as you wish to see it. I see the glass of baby blood as being half full. You just see a severely injured and suffering baby.
By the way, why are you seeing the results of SBS every day? Do you work in some kind of factory with machines designed to shake babies? If so, where do I send my resume? Or did you just mean because you have brain damage it's like you see the effects of SBS in the mirror on a daily basis?
Anyway, next time you see a blind, drooling, retarded child who suffers from SBS and you want a silver lining, just remember one thing: At least they're not you.
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From: mehoff** @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, November 29, 2007
Hey, you guys or gals are freaking hilarious!!! I love the shirts, I cant wait till my poor ass makes enough money to buy one. The "Slavery, gets shit done" of course. It just sparks my curiosity about how you guys get away with it. Hasnt any NAACP people or any place like that try to sue you guys or anything???
Keep up the good work,
Editor's Note: Funny you should ask...Because, no, the NAACP has never pursued legal action against us. Many of you may find this hard to believe, but it makes perfect sense when you realize that I'm the President of the NAACP. Hang on...that's not right. I was thinking of NAMBLA. As usual. And yes I'm the first female President of NAMBLA. They're a much more progressive organization than you might think.
To be honest, the NAACP tries to sue us on a daily basis. But the lawsuits never pan out for them because black people burst into flame when they attempt to enter a court of law. Unless they're the defendant.
We've been taken to court countless times, but only lost one case. That one went all the way to the Supreme Court and is commonly known as "T-Shirt Hell V. Hillary Clinton's Anus." There was just too much evidence against us. Plus, our Jew lawyer was sick that day.
Wait a second...did you say you don't make enough money to buy one of our shirts? Why am I wasting my time on this? Fuck off. Better yet, rape off. You see how she's dressed? She's practically asking for it.
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From: jake h.
Sent: Thursday, November 29, 2007
I understand that you get like 100,000,000 hits a day telling you that you are a god forsaken retard. I feel bad for that. In the same sentence i also feel that your asking for it, Im sure that it gets you ratings almos above the amazing cable hit "2 guys and a pizza place" or whatever charlie sheene is calling it these days.
I would appreciate it if you would stop using jesus as a reference for hilarity. I know that there could be a million and one jihad jokes made, but i have trouble dealing with the magnitude of humor that you derive out of something that many people believe to be there salvation.
Yes, i know that you will make money, yes i also know that you will claim to be an asain sodomite, but you should lay off jesus unless you want to reject salvation.
Editor's Note: Hey, I lay off Jesus five times a week, but it seems like there's a million of those fuckers. Oh, you meant "lay off" figuratively. And you meant the funnier version of Jesus.
Grammar aside, this might be the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read. And I've read the Bible. First of all, how do you even make the connection between hits on a T-shirt website and the ratings of a TV show? This is like insulting Burger King for losing the Super Bowl. Or saying I kicked a fire hydrant's ass in a "Who's the Most Xenophobic" contest. Or a third example.
Regardless, we won't stop using Jesus as a source of humor. You know why? Because Jesus told me not to. Prove me wrong, Christians!
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From: PKingD*** @ ***.com
Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2007
Hmmm, you guys claim to sell "over 5000 shirts per week". That is the reason shipping takes so long? Let's think about this, fuckbags. 5000 x 52 = 260,000 shirts every year. I'd just like to call you out on that bullshit. You may have some funny shirts, but 260,000 a year? With your shipping, tax, etc...That would mean you gross $5,000,000 a year. I think not.
I'm actually a huge fan of your site, but cmon you dumb shit. 5 Million. Nevermind, I guess I do believe you but I'm busy and better run back to my job as Operations Manager at Microsoft where I make just a little fucking bit more than you (sarcasm intended). I know you won't have the balls to post this on your newsletter because you know damn well it's calling you out and your full of shit. (or you'll edit it to make me look like a fool... and I love black cock) Either way...youre fucking lying douches
Still love the site, but fuckoff with the lies of why it takes you so fucking long to ship.
Editor's Note: He's right, we did edit this. But it wasn't to make him look like a fool, it was simply an issue of not having enough space. He just went on and on about bathing in his father's cum. Jesus Christ...just page after page talking about "daddy's salty discharge" purifying his dirty soul.
You know how your email account displays how much available space you have in your inbox? Swear to God, he filled 97% of it talking about his dad's load. Drinking it, rubbing it through his hair, making motorboat sounds in it with his mouth...he just wouldn't stop. And I had no idea you could get ejaculate hot enough to cook pasta in it. If I wasn't me I would've found it disturbing.
Incidentally, 5,000 a week is a conservative estimate. We actually sell tens of thousands of our shirts each and every day, but for tax purposes most of them are sold from our "offices" in the Cayman Islands. And don't believe any rumors about our CEO being a dead turtle.
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Faith can move mountains. Science can tell you how those mountains just moved and destroy your faith.