It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


December is finally here and Christmas is just around the corner. To be fair, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are also coming up soon, but we all know who the star of the show is. Christmas is like the John and Paul of the group. Hanukkah is the George. And Kwanzaa is the black guy who sets up Ringo's drums.
Daredevil (and homemaker) Evel Knievel passed away at the age of 69. Sure, he can jump over 20 buses unharmed but diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis were too much for him. Pussy. I'm just glad he went by Evel Knievel instead of Good Knievel, or else he would've died much younger. Yikes...I'm gonna go gargle with hobo sperm to get the taste of that joke out of my mouth.

So, a guy with a bomb strapped to his chest walks into Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire...I forget the punchline, but I think the guy pulls out a one-foot tall piano player. But seriously, it was a tense hostage situation but thankfully everyone escaped unharmed. It was dicey for a while, but at the last second Hillary burst through the door and beat the man to death with her cock.

The hit show "Dancing With the Stars" crowned this year's winners last week. And the winner was...anyone who doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Sudan has charged a British teacher with inciting hatred and showing contempt of religious beliefs after she allowed her class to name a teddy bear Muhammad. I just hope they don't find out about my pet ferret. His name is "Allah Sucks My Fat Clit, Jr."



New Shirts

Whether you're Christian, the Jew version of Christian, or that religion where you blow stuff up; our new shirts will provide you with the perfect Christmas gift. In addition to our vagina-kicking new shirts, we've also brought back some old favorites and some classic holiday shirts just in time to beat next year's Arbor Day rush.

Happy holidays and God bless us, every one. Except for Tiny Tim. He just died of Walking Stick AIDS.

Our new shirts are here:

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New Shirts

holiday sale

If you don't know what limited edition shirts are, they're all of the shirts that we used to sell, that are no longer available on the site, that we bring back a couple times a year. Remember, that the limited edition shirts and giftwrap are available in extremely limited styles, colors, and sizes so don't wait to place your order or you won't get what you want. But you will get what you need. Wait, that's not right. You won't get what you want or need. Trust me.

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Christmas is the perfect holiday. It offers Christians and secularists (they worship Secular Jesus) the opportunity to put their respective beliefs aside and come together in the name of materialism. But while both groups agree that buying overpriced products made by Asian children is the perfect way to celebrate, they disagree over which lovable character should receive the props. santa

We all know that Jesus and Santa existed and that both were the product of God fucking a 13-year-old, but which one better embodies the Spirit of Christmas (Copyright - 1982)? Is it Santa with his good cheer and giving nature? Or is it Jesus with his flowing hair and screams of "Shit, my fucking hands!"?

I say "Why not both?" Rather than quibble over something as trivial as who you have to accept as your personal savior in order to spend eternity in heaven, just accept everything as your savior to cover all your bases. Jesus? Sure. Santa? Sounds great. Wesley Snipes' taint? Why not? It is in this spirit which I have written the following letter to Santa and Jesus. Merry [name of holiday here], everybody!

that ticklesDear [Santa/Jesus],

I have been a very good [boy/girl/religious fanatic] this year. I [did my chores/felt guilty about doing something pleasurable] every day. I also remembered to [brush my teeth/pass judgment on a homosexual] every night. And I did really good in [school/church] too. My [teacher/priest] said that I [was a very good student/did a good job of keeping my mouth shut].

Since I have been so good, I would like [a new bike/something to hit Jews with]. But I don't just want something for myself. [My mom/The lady who says it's blasphemy when I smile] is very sick with [cancer/the blessing of faulty cells that you gave her]. Please help her [get well/realize that treatment may be more effective than prayer]. santa

[My friends/Science] said you aren't real, but I don't believe it because [I saw you at the mall/the lie keeps me happy]. Thanks for reading this. I'll remember to leave out [some cookies and milk/a dead virgin and the head of a heretic] for you.

[Gullibly/Just as gullibly] yours,

Naive [Child/Adult]


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