The Early December Thing
Good morning, loyal T-Shirt Hell fans. Or afternoon. Or evening. Or night. Fuck, I don't know what time you're reading this. Let's just get to the news.
Americans recently hit the malls for great deals the day after Thanksgiving. It is the busiest shopping day of the year and has become commonly known as Black Friday. When asked about it, Michael Richards said "Fuck you, Black Friday! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside-down with a fucking fork up your ass!"
In other celebrity news, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have just divorced. The couple have no hard feelings toward each other and have reached an amicable agreement. She gets to keep the Hepatitis C and he gets to keep all the dignity.
And finally, FOX recently cancelled its OJ Simpson special entitled 'If I Did It', in which the former football star was to describe how he would've killed Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman if he had done it. FOX yanked the special because they felt it was in bad taste, but they haven't severed ties with Simpson. They plan to release three specials with him entitled 'If I Won the Heisman', 'If I Was in Naked Gun', and 'If I Was Black.'
Tragedy + Time = Comedy; Tragedy + No Time = New Shirts
Christmas is almost here, so this holiday season, remember to go fuck yourself. Oh, and buy our latest batch of shirts for your loved ones. And you know who I mean by loved ones. Those people you hate that you have the decency to lie to. Anyway, make sure to buy all of our new shirts, if only to help fatten our wallets. Because Satan deserves a Merry Christmas too.
All of our new shirts are here:
Road Rage for the Holidays
If you want to get your hands on Road Rage Cards (the most f'd up product out there), this will be the last holiday season we sell them:
Road Rage Cards Website
The N-Word - You Know...Nigger
For those of you who may not be aware, Michael Richards (better known as Kramer on "Seinfeld"), while performing a standup comedy routine, was recently heckled by two African-American men and retaliated with a racist, hate-filled rant. In doing so, Richards put to test the old adage that "any publicity is good publicity." There is no doubt that this situation has given him the most exposure he has received since Seinfeld went off the air in 1998, but none of it has been positive.
But for better or for worse, stars love attention. And in the wake of the Michael Richards' incident, several other washed-up celebrities have followed in his footsteps. Only time will tell which, if any, of these stories will receive any media attention, but I felt it was my duty as a responsible journalist/crack-addict to report to you first. What follows is a list of these celebrities and their respective rants.
David Hasselhoff (of Knight Rider and Baywatch) - to a crowd of onlookers gathered outside a Dunkin' Donuts
"Is anybody else sick of these goddamned Jews? It's like no matter where I turn I see another hook-nosed bastard riding a unicycle. I don't know if the unicycle is an appropriate Jewish stereotype, but that's exactly my point. Who knows anything about those crazy kekes? Oh...is it kikes? See, that's what I'm talking about. I swear to God, sometimes I think the only good thing a Jew ever did was kill Jesus."
Pauly Shore (of sucking) - on stage at the Laugh Factory in LA
"I'll tell you what's wrong with these wetbacks, buuuuuuddy. They come over here illegally and we're the ones that have to pay for it. It makes me so mad I just want to do the weasel [incoherent, annoying sound]. I wouldn't have minded back when I had my 15 minutes, but now that the only work I can get is picking lettuce, it makes me mad that they're taking our jobs. Later, everybody. Weeze the juice! Remember? From that movie with Brendan Fraser? Never mind. I'm gonna kill myself, buuuuuuuuddy."
Jimmie JJ Walker (of Good Times and, more recently, depressing times) - to a crowd at a Star Trek convention at which he was mistakenly booked
"I love to beat women! The feeling of that soft cheek being crushed by my fist just makes me want to shout 'Dyn-o-mite!' I haven't been able to maintain a relationship because I actually punch my date in the face before we even get the check for the meal. Dyn-o-mite! I've been to jail several times as a result, but it hasn't helped. Dyn-o-mite! A friend of mine suggested that I go to counseling, but it turns out you have to pay for it. Dyn-o-mite! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to a strip club and punch a bitch in the Champagne Room. Dyn-o-mite!"
Suzanne Somers (of Three's Company and the Thigh Master) - to a caller on QVC, who had questioned her about her latest thigh-related product
"I hate fags. A lot of people think I left Three's Company over money, but the truth is I was sick of all those queer story lines. The only reason I put up with it for as long as I did was because John Ritter wasn't actually gay. If he had actually been gay, you don't even want to know what I would've done to him. As far as I'm concerned, we should round up all the gays in this country and use them to make fuel. It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Am I right? Hello caller...hello?"
Todd Bridges (of Diff'rent Strokes and this segment) - to me (I still don't know how he got in my apartment)
"I'll tell you what Willis was talkin' 'bout. He was talkin' 'bout the white devil. The white man has held us down for too long, and you honky crackers are about to find out what real pain is. You've kept us in your ghettos for too long, but all that shit's about to change. First we're gonna take your women, then we're gonna make your kids want to be black, and then we're gonna burn you mother fuckers to the ground. The revolution's coming, and it will be televised. It's about time I'll be on TV again."
Those are just the first few cases in what is sure to be a new celebrity movement to gain undeserved attention. They'll do their part by saying stupid shit, so make sure you do your part by overreacting to completely harmless comments that nobody other than media outlets and lawyers who can profit off these things give a fuck about. Goodbye, dumbasses.
I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Hateburger Today
Sent: Sunday, October 15, 2006
Subject: Subject content of a shirt.
My name is John and I really wanted to start this e-mail off in a different way, however i realize not everyone has the same opinion or beliefs that I might.
I was referred to your sight by a co-worker and we actually took my laptop in this bar and sat around for a half-hour or better laughing at a few of the sayings on your shirts. I have since then refereed you to several of my friends and I am sure they have refereed and so on. Anyway, to get on with my point. I was a little offended by a couple of the shirts referring to obscene religious humor. I however, over looked them and went on looking. Today I sat down and pulled up your site with the intent to purchase a shirt I had looked at the other day.
The very first shirt I saw after I logged in was "Everytime You see a Rainbow, God Is Having Gay Sex". I am VERY offended by this shirt. I understand that you probably don't care, buy my first instinct was to say screw it and never return to your site again. However, I try to have an open mind about everything. I know everyone of my friends I showed this site to, will defiantly be offended as well. I honestly have never complained about stuff like this, nor have I ever really seen anything this bad that does offend me.
I wonder if maybe you might be able to re-configure your site to put those religiously offensive shirt on a different window. I realize you can't accommodate everyone, and I'm sure that your first reflex to my email here might be for me to go screw myself. I just hope you might at least consider it.
Thank You, John
(Editor's Note: My first reflex, as you put it, is not to tell you "to go screw yourself." It is to tell you to go fuck yourself. I'm sure in your world, telling someone to go screw themselves is considered pure evil, but here in the real world it's damn near polite. When we have harsh words for someone, we make sure those words are REALLY fucking harsh. So instead of telling you to go screw yourself, I'll tell you what I'd like to do to you.
I would like to soak twenty Bibles in gasoline, use a nail-gun to nail said Bibles to your body, light you on fire (obviously), and dance around you as your screams of pain set the rhythm. And then, when you finally die, your soul goes up to Heaven, but much to your dismay, God only allows you to enter so that Jesus can ass-rape you for all eternity.
In case you hadn't already figured it out, we won't be reconfiguring the site to put the religious shirts in a different window. I wonder if people like you actually think people consider your nonsensical suggestions for even a second. Do you think you could write a letter to Martin Scorsese and have him remove all the "swears" from his movies? Not that I'm comparing myself to Martin Scorsese (I'm not a filthy Italian). I'm just saying that if people like you got your way, you would regret it inside of ten minutes.
It would seem like a triumph if everything you found objectionable was removed from the Earth, but when other whining assholes like you got their way, pretty much every original thought ever put to paper would be erased forever. And that includes your oh-so-precious religion. Just as you are offended by jokes at the expense of religion, there are people offended by that religion itself. What if those people succeeded in having what they don't like banned? I'm sure you'd be singing a different (but just as gay) tune then. Anyway, thanks for your letter. Signed, God)
From: Crystal B.
Sent: Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Please tell me that myspace link is a joke and you haven't sold yourself out completely....I think I'll unsubscribe now.
(Editor's Note: Well...guess who won't be making our Top 8. But seriously, she makes a good point. Utilizing technology is the very definition of selling out. But this is just our most recent sellout. It all began when we made our shirts available on the internet. If I had it my way, we would still be selling 'I (plane) NY' shirts out of the back of my truck. All this technological advancement that allows businesses to share their products with the world instead of twenty people at the local market is for posers.
I can't blame you for wanting to unsubscribe. As we all know, things become lame when they become popular, not when they become lame. Now, when I was hand-sewing these shirts and throwing in free blowjobs just in the hopes of moving 10 shirts per week, that's when our shirts were still brilliant. But now that we sell thousands upon thousands of shirts per month, despite the fact that the humor is still the same, it has become lame.
My point is, if you want to hate us, do it based on merit. Go ahead and tell us our shirts are lame (plenty of people do it every week), but base your opinion on the strength of the humor. Did the jokes suddenly change meaning when we joined Myspace? Douches like you give douches a bad name. If oral sex signed up on Myspace would you hate that, too? In short, go fuck yourself, Crystal. And make sure to look for great T-Shirt Hell toys soon to be found in all McDonald's Happy Meals.)
Sent: Friday, October 27, 2006
Subject: Shame on you.
I am so disapointed in you. Is aw that arest black babies before they become serial killers, and it made me very sad. I am black and I don't serial kill. please take it down. I told all my friedns not to go to your site. I told them they would be apaled.
(Editor's Note: It's been a couple of months since I've responded to a complaint concerning this shirt, but it's good to see that they're as articulate and well thought-out as they ever were.
I also appreciate when the subject line let's me know what I'm in for. 'Shame on you' can really only concern one thing. Often times there is no subject or the subject mentions a specific product, and I'm left wondering which kind of ignorance I'm going to deal with. But when the subject heading is 'Shame on you' I'm guaranteed to read about what a blight on society I am or how someone is going to sue me.
Incidentally, how the fuck are you disappointed (with two p's) in me? To be disappointed in someone, there has to be a previously established relationship that sets a precedent. Whether it's father/son, business/customer, or pimp/me; there has to be a history between the two parties involved. You can't go to fucking T-Shirt Hell for the first time and be disappointed by something you've clearly never seen before. That'd be like my nephew being disappointed in me for beating him with a pipe wrapped in barbed wire even if I didn't previously buy him ice cream every Tuesday. Anyway, tell your friedns that I'm sorry they will be apaled. Tell them I'm even sorrier that their friend is a ratreded cuhnt that kant spel.)
From: e gooden
Sent: Friday, October 27, 2006
I am the mother of a 14 year old boy. I caught him reading your site. This is awful and very, very disgusting. Good people work so hard to try and improve society, and people like you come along and ruin it. It's not funny, especially the sexist ones. I want my son to grow up to respect women, buy you type know nothing about that judging from your pictures and different shirtys. The one about the Virgin Mother is down right sagriligeous. For shame. You site should be shut down. There is no place for you in good society. This is why people from other countries are disgusted at America, you know other countries can read your site, too and they think this this is what America represent. No wonder we are going down the tubes. I wish you would remove some of your more sexist shirts from yuir site, please. You'd be doing the world a favor.
Denise L, pennsylvania
(Editor's Note: Are you serious? Can people from other countries really view our website? I had no idea. Now I'm reconsidering my whole stance on you being a dumb bitch. Regardless, I believe you're wrong about how our country is perceived by foreigners who view our site. I think if people from other countries felt that we represent America, they would love America. They would understand that America has a sense of humor and we don't tolerate ignorant twats like you.
But as it stands, most foreigners hate America. And who can blame them? Because the truth is, it's assholes like you that people think of when they think of America. And you're wrong about another thing. There is a place for us in good society. And that place exists so people like you can consider yourselves 'good' instead of 'irrelevant.' The simple truth is that we're funny and you mean nothing, but if you feel the need to believe that we're ruining society, then all the better. Not only do we serve the purpose of making open-minded people laugh, we also give useless housewives an opportunity to rattle off pointless emails to fill the void in their meaningless existence. So...you're welcome.
Lastly, I find it ironic that you want your son to grow up to respect women, yet the woman he lives with doesn't deserve any. That's weird. Kind of like how my dad did everything in his power to keep me from becoming a child predator. And to Denise's son, I hope that despite the bitch you live with, you're still a fan. And if you get this, make sure to piss in your mom's coffee, rub her toothbrush on your balls, and stab her in the chest seven times.)
Here's the END - You Supply the Bracketing 'B' and 'ER'
Give me liberty, or give me death. Or nachos. They're all good choices.