Major League Baseball has been rocked by several prominent players admitting
that they have used steroids to help improve their performance. And here I
am taking them just because I enjoy the uncontrollable rage and
unpredictable sexual side effects.

Shirts with Great Presence, Make Great Presents

We have 10 new shirts this week, just perfect for those hard to please
people on your Christmas list. Shopping for a pervert, a stoner, a geek, an
Oprah fan? How about one of the many people who tagged Tara Reid? You'll
find the perfect gift right here.

All of our new shirts are here:

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

If you order before 9 pm Sunday December 12, your order will be shipped on
Friday December 17. The estimated arrival date will be December 21-23.
Sorry, we cannot control any USPS delays that may occur after packages are
in the mail.

Instead of Shooting Them, Why Not Just Use These?

Reminder: We launched Road Rage Cards over a week ago and you need to go
check out the site. A driver's flip-book with cards like "I HOPE THAT CELL
"NICE CAR (you're still a bitch)", how can you go wrong?

He Was Hung by the Chimney, Well Hung.

In honor of our recent mention in Penthouse Magazine

I present the true story of how I spent last Christmas.

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought this would happen to me. I am a beautiful young Nubian
woman who also happens to own a very successful internet company so I'm also
fabulously wealthy. I've been there done that, and I make the t-shirt; so
you can imagine how boring life is for me.

The other night I was strolling through the mall when I saw the most virile
looking man. They had to call for a 'clean up on aisle four' he made me so
wet. He was just sitting there in this gorgeous red suit with white fur
trim. He had a thick white beard and a huge belly. Children were lining up
to sit on his lap. It was too good to be true. Not only was this man
gorgeous, but he shared my interest in young boys! It was all I could do
not to run into the nearest Brookstone and ram one of those giant, 'back
massagers' into the steaming, single-slice toaster between my legs.

I got into line behind the last little boy. I don't think I mentioned my
outfit, yet. Since I came directly from church, I was wearing 4 strips of
electrical tape, my nipple clamps, and a 5 inch long micro mini skirt that
barely covered my fabulous pooper. I was also wearing 5 inch stilettos,
shin guards, a Jimmy Choo catcher's mitt, and a sombrero.

When it was my turn, I tightened my clamps and adjusted my skirt. I
straddled him, and his eyes filled with tears of desire, or perhaps agony.
I was wearing my leather thong with the metal spikes on it, and hadn't taken
that into consideration as I ground my pelvis against his mighty Yule log.

He managed to gasp, "What would you like for Christmas?" before I slipped
the ball gag into his mouth.

"I want you to slide your thick, candy cane of love through the honeyed
window of my gingerbread house!" I cried as I drove the heel of my stiletto
into his instep; piercing the top of his shiny black boot. We were so close
I could really get a good whiff of him. He smelled like baby vomit, stale
urine, and scotch. With every passing moment he reminded me more and more
of my dad. I couldn't have been more aroused.

The children began sobbing in delight. Some of their parents grabbed me
roughly by the shoulders. It was going to be a gangbang I realized with
glee! I dropped to all fours and arched my back like a reindeer: waiting
for that first North pole to enter my Southern most hole(s).

So needless to say I spent Christmas in jail. Jail is full of real
lesbians, which don't even seem to be the species as the lesbians you see in
the movies. They beat me, and violated me in every possible way. It was
like Abu Ghraib, only everyone smelled like patchouli, and these
bitches really knew what they were doing. After a week of brutal treatment,
my high priced lawyer was finally able to convince me to go home. I was sad
to leave Ruth, Marge, and Irma, but I know I'll see them again - if only to
have them fed to my hounds. Looking back, I guess you could say my ride on
Santa's lap really made my Christmas wish come true.

Tis the Season to be Angry. Fa-la- Fuck You, too.

From: Brad H.
Sent: Friday, December 03, 2004 3:24 PM
Subject: God is giving us more dead soldiers shirt...

Sick fucks - just so you know, I hope you wear your
shirts - God will give me an opportunity to kick your
fucking ass for Christmas.

How fucking stupid are you? Nevermind - you have made
that quite clear.

I do hope you suffer a horrible fate.

Sick fucks

(Editor's Note: That's the spirit! Let's not have a society that
encourages an open, honest exchange of ideas - let's just beat up everybody
we disagree with! Isaac Asimov once said, "Violence is the last refuge of
the incompetent." Of course in my experience it's the first. But I don't
believe that violence is the answer. So bend over Brad as I strap one on.
Because in the immortal words of Mike Tyson, "I'll fuck you until you love
me, bitch!")


----- Original Message -----
From: "<feon*** @>
Sent: Monday, December 06, 2004 5:27 AM
Subject: Why Asian have Tiny Dicks

To answer your question, "If Asians are so smart, why do that have tiny

The Answer is, we just rather kill white people in the woods. Or rather, we
rather kill 6 fat white fuck who fuck with us in the woods instead of having
a preoccupation with dick size.

Only white men who would bring up the kind of subject if you haven't notice.
Only white men would write books about the suject.

Black got bigger cocks than you, and Asians got bigger brains than you. You
got nothing left but to whine I guess...

(Editor's Note: Very strong words. Somebody is clearly over compensating.
I am a black woman so your discussion of white men only confuses me. You
are clearly not one of the 'smart' Asians. I think it's probably your job
to clean up after the dogs before they make the General Tso's


----- Original Message -----
From: <kraft_dinner* @ yah**.com>
Sent: Tuesday, December 07, 2004 12:08 PM
Subject: Your website

I know that you say that you don't care of people are
offended by your products, but I'm writing anyway to
say that I am offended. Not only am I offended, but if
I saw someone wearing any of the shirts mentioned on
your website, I would assume that s/he is ignorant and
probably a racist. People who believe in justice for
people of all backgrounds do a disservice to that
ideal by wearing shirts that say things about Asians
having tiny penises or arresting Black babies before
they get into trouble as grown ups.


(Editor's Note: Erin wants to point out the importance of not prejudging
people based on their ethnicity. You should however, prejudge them based on
their fashion choices. She's a deep thinker that Erin. Erin is the kind of
girl you want to take home to mom. Provided you've already chopped her up.
I'm sure Erin would make excellent fertilizer.)


----- Original Message -----
From: ElectroStarrGurl
Sent: Sunday, December 05, 2004 6:22 PM
Subject: The So-Called 'Truth'?

I am a 25 year-old caucasian girl born and raised in Birmingham, Alabama. I
now live in New York City- which, in my opinion, opened my eyes on human
integrity, desire, social conflicts and cultural differences; esp. after

I disagree with your comments that do NOT tell the truth about certain
cultures- ie:

(This email had to be edited for excessive stupidity. Please, if you're
going to be an idiot, please be brief.)

"Arrest black babies before they become criminals?" Currently, blacks are
near in the middle when it comes to racial-profiling for criminals....Puerto
Ricans, Mexicans are like in the top 5 right now

Now, I am not getting riled just because I have co-workers and friends of
different nationalities, or the fact that my fiance is bi-racial
either.....I am speaking of the truth.....since 9-11, I had seen a swell
collage of people from all over the world trying to fight the one thing and
that is the war on terrorism.....knowledge is power and power is the truth.



(Editor's Note: ElectroStarrGurl - my deepest apologies to you and the rest
of the superhero community. Please don't get Batman involved. We will try
to get a new shirt about arresting Hispanics on our site as soon as possible
which I gather will be more acceptable? I know I'll wear it when I help you
fight terrorists. Even if my only super powers are being super sexy, and
super rich.)


They raided Neverland Ranch the other day to confront Michael Jackson and
get a sample of his DNA. What's the matter? Nobody thought to just scrape
some off Emmanuel Lewis's chin?

Hairy Christians and a Nappy Jew Beard!