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Whore whore whore, Merry Christmas! It's still a couple weeks away, but I thought I should say that now since my body will likely be 90% heroin when the actual Christmas is here. And, as always, have a Jewy Hanukkah and an adjective-less Kwanzaa.
President Obama announced he is sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan. This is costing a lot of time and money, but it's totally gonna be worth it when we get the Gold Medal in War. That's what this is for, right? Or does Afghanistan have vast reserves of Twinkie cream or the secret to the sexless orgasm? Eh, whatever. We all have to do busy work from time to time.
As you know, a couple of aspiring reality stars recently crashed a dinner at the White House. We don't need a couple of people with no influence who are famous for no reason walking around the White House. That's the President's job. You see what I did? That's how you satire, nigga!
James Cameron's long-awaited Avatar is hitting theaters next week. It's going to revolutionize film. Because no one has released a movie with an offensive budget, no story, and shitty CGI before. Hundreds of them, you say? Well surely no one thought to trick the audience by dressing it up in the utterly worthless 3-D format. A dozen this year, you say? How do you respond, Mr. Cameron? "You assholes liked Transformers. This diamond and hundred dollar bill sandwich is really filling."
Donny Osmond recently won Dancing with the Stars. Wait... Donny Osmond won on a show with "Stars" in the title? Was November Irony Month? It all makes sense now. I kept wondering why I got sent to jail for burning the homeless. Yeah, they're "real people." You got me, Judge Henderson.
Meredith Baxter-Birney came out of the closet last week. The "secret homosexual" closet, not the "Who the fuck is Meredith Baxter-Birney?" closet. Anyway, between her catching gay, Michael J. Fox being infected with the shaky-wobblies and Tina Yothers contracting Tina Yothers' Disease (which results in being Tina Yothers) you have to believe God really fucking hated Family Ties. Except for Skippy. No one can hate Skippy.
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As the '00s conclude, I thought I would take a look back at the era. You've likely seen many "Best of the '00s" lists lately, but unlike the nostalgia-mongers who shove their reminiscing down your throat, I'm giving you my "Worst of the '00s" list. And I don't mean a snarky critique of shitty movies or a recap of wacky stories that were overblown by the media. The last thing we need now is to make light of our own stupidity. So instead, here is my irony- and mush-free recount of a decade that proves humanity remains, at worst, truly awful, and, at best, nothing to celebrate. Don't enjoy.
9/11 - Yeah, the attacks sucked, but the real tragedy of 9/11 happened later. The attacks showed us that people living in dirt shacks with no access to cleavage are angry enough to kill themselves. Not exactly mind-blowing. But that we, eight years later, still haven't put a Super Walmart where the Towers used to be... appalling. Not even a Papa John's? What happened to you, America?
Elections ('00 '04 '08) - That a moose hunter with nice tits became a best-selling author is damning enough, but look past that. The number of voters increased each election of the '00s, despite how increasingly obvious it is that who is elected is irrelevant. Where is this "apathy" I've been hearing so much about? It seems to me we aren't smart enough to be apathetic.
If I can sell my poop for a million dollars I will. I won't stop selling it because my customers are morons. I'll stop when they stop purchasing my shit. But at least this exponential rise in partisan bickering suggests we will all be wiped out in the Palin/Obama War of 2012. So long, you really important box-checkers.
Miley/Jonas/Twilight/Potter - I could go on, but you get it. And I'm not commenting on mediocrity. Mediocrity has been the bedrock of entertainment ever since some assholes convened and jacked off to the shit Shakespeare farted out of his quill. I'm referring to adults, with pubes and everything, willfully turning themselves into 10-year-olds. You can pretend you're still "with it," but at the end of the day you're just a 40-year-old cunt who remained stupid enough to enjoy stories about teenage vampires and wizards. And you can't even use nostalgia as an excuse.
MySpace/Facebook/Twitter - Narcissism is insufferable enough, but the social networking boom engendered something far worse: narcissism of the mediocre. But if a society of twats arranging pixels to give themselves a nonexistent sense of worth isn't sad enough, it's also a good example of how we see worthwhile inventions as nothing more than another opportunity to be dumb fucks. I just can't wait until we invent time travel and start a trend called past-splats where we go back in time and throw pies at historical figures. I hope you like cherry, Crispus Attucks!
Texting - It's ruining language, killing human interaction, causing accidents, dulling our senses and blah blah blah. Now here's where you say I'm resistant to change and list the bullshit positives of texting to justify your childish behavior. You know who else deluded himself to rationalize his behavior? Hitler. I don't know what that means either, but texting is gay and so are you.
Tattoo boom - No superficial display of individuality went mainstream quite like the tattoo. Thugs, hipsters, jocks and anyone else with $50 and the ability to open a three-ring binder got inked this decade. Well guess what... you didn't shock us, it's not interesting, your dead friend doesn't care that you "honored" him, and, no, you didn't get yours before everyone else. And I won't even dust off the old chestnut about looking dumb when you're 70. Because the truth is, you look dumb now.
Reality TV - It predates the '00s, but not until recently did it steamroll us like an overweight, off-key, sex organ-eating, faux-lesbian. Early years of Survivor seem like the Sopranos landing on the moon compared to the abortion parade that followed. A karaoke contest and F-listers gyrating in tights are the #1 shows on TV; sluts, midgets, leathery housewives and assholes who can't stop breeding get three seasons at will; and shows on VH1 make 2-girls-1-cup look like Masterpiece Theater. But worse than all that is what it reiterates: we just roll over and accept what is presented to us.
Punditry - To varying degrees, all these items reinforce how ready we were to hand over our brains in the '00s, but the slew of used up pundits are certainly the personification of this. More than either President or biggest celebs of the '00s, the red faces of O'Reilly and Glenn Beck perfectly sum up our fear of everything and our passion for bullshit. And that everything in the world should be a reflection of ourselves. "He sayed what I was thoughting. That means I'm good at doing think too. Now I'm off to protest things I don't understand on even the most elementary level."
I could go on, but you get my point. That point? We remain, now and forever, a pretty fucking retarded species. Sure, we're less naive and have shinier toys, but it all kind of amounts to the Emperor's new clothes. Or putting a nice dress on a fat whore. Enjoy the 2010's, humanity. And here's to another 10 years of wasting consciousness!
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From: Kevin C.
Mostly funny stuff, but the retarded janitor shirt is really offensive to families with retarded people. Will you guys please remove that one?
Editor's Note: Consider it removed. Especially since I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Any other imaginary shirts you want removed? The one with Jesus getting teabagged by a trucker? Or the one with Wilford Brimley fisting a dead toddler? I can do this all day long. You make up a shirt and tell us to remove it and I will be happy to oblige. If only all email requests required me to do absolutely nothing. I'd be the most obliging person in the history of mankind.
Are you worthless retards so eager to feel useful that you'd actually invent a battle just so you can win? Good for you, sport. Don't let my sarcastic response dissuade you. You've recognized that people who fight for actual causes always lose and kudos to you for finding a way around that.
While those chumps are watching another million acres of rain forest burn and another thousand shelter animals get put down, you're out there getting shit done. You managed to get this shirt removed AND save the flying panda-potamus all in one day. Bravo. You may now return to putting your "massive" dick into hot "ladies."
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How do you not think your "Merry kwanzaa" shirt isn't incredibly racist? A black santa with a gold tooth and a pimp hat saying "Yo Yo Yo" ??
You can dismiss it as a harmless joke if you want but theres really nothing seperating it from some one putting on blackface.
Editor's Note: Oh, but there is something separating that shirt from putting on blackface: wearing that shirt is much easier. I don't think you understand the difficulties involved in wearing blackface.
First you have to go out and buy the makeup, then you spend all morning applying it, after that you have to walk around all day protecting your face from the elements so there's no smudging or running, and, finally, another hour at night spent removing it and scrubbing your face.
That's the whole point of offensive shirts; they save you time and effort. You want to tell the world to fuck off? Just slip on a shirt. Boom - you're done in three seconds. Now you don't have to spend the rest of your day pausing to tell every person you pass to "go eat a hooker's tampon." Or buying the materials for and constructing a "You can all eat my shitty shit" protest sign.
So sit back, relax, and let us alienate humanity for you.
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Why do you even bother carrying women's styles? Surely no self-respecting female can see the shirts you offer and then proceed to purchase something from you.
Editor's Note: Fortunately for us, there is no shortage of females who don't respect themselves at all. These are known as "females."
To answer your question, I don't know why we carry women's shirts. I guess it's our hope that the gender that actually earns a paycheck will occasionally buy a shirt for that thing that cooks his pot roast and tickles his balls. For the guys who don't know what I'm referring to, I mean that thing your internal monologue calls "Jesus Christ, again with this shit."
Of course I realize there are females who earn money, but neither of these groups wear T-shirts. One wears fishnet tops so there won't be a stain after the John pops on her chest, and the other wears a button-up blouse so when she brings coffee to the boss he can say "Let those puppies breathe, Janet."
I hope you've found this response satisfactory, Mandie. Now that you've had your fun, get back to reading "How to Make a Five-Course Meal Without Using His Girlfriend Money."
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A friend of mine from university directed me to your site and I couldn't beleive it. I tend to stay in so I don't generally see that much of the public - but I can't believe there are enough people walking around willing to degrade themselves and insult the public by wearing these shirts for you to have an entire website of them.
Editor's Note: Another person wondering how we sell shirts? What the fuck is going on here?
Let me see if I can put together some words that will penetrate the wall of estrotardogen around your brain: Not everyone is like you. I'm sorry if that thought bumped one of the two billion dancing elves out of your brain, but you needed to hear it.
Some people like to drink and laugh at stupid shit. And more often than not, that "stupid shit" is someone like you. This is all a matter of perception. You see, what people like you see as "people willing to degrade themselves and insult the public" is, to those people, just a silly gag that helps them laugh at people like you, instead of stomping on your head until it looks like a miscarriage.
So Bridget, I believe you owe us an apology and some thanks. But I'll settle for your suicide.
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[The Itching Will Stop Soon Enough]
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And your midgets in your midget-shed.