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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Whore whore whore, Merry Christmas! It's still a couple weeks away, but I thought I should say that now since my body will likely be 90% heroin when the actual Christmas is here. And, as always, have a Jewy Hanukkah and an adjective-less Kwanzaa.

President Obama announced he is sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan. This is costing a lot of time and money, but it's totally gonna be worth it when we get the Gold Medal in War. That's what this is for, right? Or does Afghanistan have vast reserves of Twinkie cream or the secret to the sexless orgasm? Eh, whatever. We all have to do busy work from time to time.

As you know, a couple of aspiring reality stars recently crashed a dinner at the White House. We don't need a couple of people with no influence who are famous for no reason walking around the White House. That's the President's job. You see what I did? That's how you satire, nigga!

James Cameron's long-awaited Avatar is hitting theaters next week. It's going to revolutionize film. Because no one has released a movie with an offensive budget, no story, and shitty CGI before. Hundreds of them, you say? Well surely no one thought to trick the audience by dressing it up in the utterly worthless 3-D format. A dozen this year, you say? How do you respond, Mr. Cameron? "You assholes liked Transformers. This diamond and hundred dollar bill sandwich is really filling."

Donny Osmond recently won Dancing with the Stars. Wait... Donny Osmond won on a show with "Stars" in the title? Was November Irony Month? It all makes sense now. I kept wondering why I got sent to jail for burning the homeless. Yeah, they're "real people." You got me, Judge Henderson.

Meredith Baxter-Birney came out of the closet last week. The "secret homosexual" closet, not the "Who the fuck is Meredith Baxter-Birney?" closet. Anyway, between her catching gay, Michael J. Fox being infected with the shaky-wobblies and Tina Yothers contracting Tina Yothers' Disease (which results in being Tina Yothers) you have to believe God really fucking hated Family Ties. Except for Skippy. No one can hate Skippy.


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