Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (pronounced "Johnson") was recently arrested for attempting to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. So wait... Does this mean it's not for sale any more? Damn it, I was just about to put in my bid. I'm trying to get my hands on anything that might potentially smell like Michelle's vag.

Obama has stated he had no knowledge of Blagojevich's dealings. He added, "And I'm certainly not asking for 20% of whatever Rod pulls down. And it's not like I'd be disappointed with any figure below half a mil. And it's not like the $200,000 figure I heard was insulting. Goddamn it, Rod! What kind of politician are you! I get 50 grand to touch a kid in a wheelchair, for fuck's sake!"

Based on early polling, a majority of the American people seem to be pleased with Barack Obama's performance. And for once, I agree with the American people. No one can sit there and not be Bush quite like Barack Obama. Anyway, according to further polling, 100% of Americans think they're smart, so take all this with a grain of salt.

The Golden Globe nominations were announced last week. Forgive me if I don't seem excited about this, but I can't really respect the opinion of a group of voters which fails to recognize the work done on Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Those Chihuahuas were talking!

Three people were recently killed when a military jet crashed into a San Diego neighborhood. And, of course, the media predictably pretended to be upset about the death of three innocent people. But where were the alligator tears for the jet? WHO WEEPS FOR THE JET!

Britney Spears just released the album "Circus." The title represents... Its symbolism strongly suggests... Okay, fine. She called her album Circus because she likes "cotton candy, those funny guys that get out of that little car, and those big cats that meow really weird." Also, seeing elephant vagina always reminds her she needs to wax.

long division


picture 1

This is typically the time of year when all the little boys and girls of the world attempt to correspond with Santa. It's an adorable tradition that masks the fact that children don't trust their parents and already realize they can't count on them for shit. Anyway, this year Santa wants to let all of you know you can save your letters. But he does have a message for all of you and he asked me to share it. Enjoy.

Dear assholes,

I will not be making my annual trip all over the world this year. You people already have way too much shit and you just keep buying more. The last thing you need is for me to bring you some more crap in addition to the goddamn puppy-shaped iPod you just bought for yourself. Add to that the fact that there's just way too many of you people these days and, well, I just can't do it.

Seriously, enough with the procreation. Apparently I should've been handing out condoms as stocking stuffers the last few decades. Ever hear of birth control? Abortion? How about just not doing it? The last thing Santa, and the world, needs are smaller but equally worthless versions of you to take up space and waste my valuable time. You're supposed to have the ability to recognize how your behavior negatively affects the world and correct said behavior. How are you going to advance if you can't even outsmart picture 1your genitals? God... you're a bunch of fucking chimps.

I'm getting off-topic. Another reason I won't be paying you a visit is because all your little "miracles" are fat loads of crap these days. At least Santa earned this belly with centuries of public service. Your pudgy little porkers have no right to be obese just because mommy decided to make Dora the Explorer and Leapfrog software their babysitter. And stop leaving me milk and cookies. You like hypertension so much, you eat those Oreos, tubby. Jesus Christ - You want the doctor to take Santa's other foot?

But all of that is just me attempting to justify the fact that I simply don't want your fucking letters anymore. For one thing, who still writes letters? I've had email for a good ten years now. In that time you idiots have wasted enough paper writing letters to papier-mâché the fucking moon. And your kids' letters aren't as cute as you assholes seem to think they are. 'Oh look. Tyler wrote the "R" in skateboard backward; isn't a lack of education adorable?'

picture 1While I'm on the subject, it’s bad enough you send letters, but you could at least keep your letters short and sweet. Your name and list of desired gifts will more than suffice. I don't need to hear that you've been a good boy. I could really give a shit. You can shoot up your school and throw your little sister down a well for all I care. You'll still get your Nintendo Wii because none of it really matters.

Speaking of my standards, I also really couldn't care less what religion your kid is, despite what you Jesus freaks believe. I give gifts to all children. You think I give a shit which fictional character you forced your kids to believe in? 99% of adults don't understand the bullshit they believe. I don't expect a 5-year-old to wrap his head around thousands of years of theology or the creation of the universe by an unseeable being.

Kids will believe we live in a giant donkey stomach and our Lord is a monster with an afro made of dildos and a body made of s'mores if you drill that shit into their heads early enough. Children of the world: You are all equally deserving of the finest toys Asian kids can make. Just don't blame me if your Jew parents take it away and replace it with a top made of potatoes or a wooden pancake.picture 1

Lastly, please don't ask for anything I can't carry in my sack. You want me to get your parents back together? Why don't you ask your mom to drop fifty pounds? You want me to help your sick grandma get better? Take it up with the guy who gave her cancer. You know, the prick you pray to every night.

Well, it's time for me to get back to abusing elves. But before I go, allow me to share with you the one item on Santa's list: I would like for all of the children of the world to watch from the corner of their living rooms, as their mothers choke on my cock and their fathers lick my jolly ol' asshole.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a fuck off.

Sincerely drunk,


Comments (24) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Mz.Claus  12/15/08 8:04 pm
Santa, you're such a fucking whiny DOUCHE. I hope you get cornholed by Rudolph while Vixen Prancer holds you down and shoves his reindeer cock down your throat.

Peeet  12/15/08 8:07 pm
Woah Santa! What can I say after THAT??

Ronman  12/16/08 8:08 am
I love you Santa.

mannishboy  12/16/08 9:53 am
NOW can you a-holes see why I've always wanted to be a dentist?!! This guy is worse than Zed and his psycho - rapis' friend!


Smilner  12/16/08 12:47 pm
Dear Santa: You work one day a year. ONE. I know the obesity makes getting around something of a chore, but there are welfare moms and panhandlers who work harder and more regularly than you. That one day is too much for you? Really?

Hunter  12/16/08 1:39 pm
Wow, Tops made of potatoes and wooden pancakes? This whole letter is freaking brilliant. I'm going to start worshiping a monster with an afro made of dildos and a body made of s'mores... and if I ever have a kid I'm going to tell him we live inside a giant donkey's stomach. Then he'll tell me I'm wrong cause I'm a Canadian and he will be too, and our education system doesn't lick hairy republican balls so he won't be as retarded as American kids. "Dumb the masses!"

mary christmas  12/16/08 5:16 pm
Thank you so much for sharing Santa's letter. It was so funny I'm still laughing about it. You truly have the best sense of humor ! Let's laugh at Christmas time, isn't that the Christmas cheer people talk about. I hope you don't mind I copied Santa's letter & posted on myspace page & of course I gave credit to T-Shirt Hell for passing on Santa's "special" letter to all! Have a great Christmas & thank you for the Christmas cheer. Keep up the great work!

deathslittlehelpser  12/17/08 1:30 pm
Where'd you get the pic of the ladies crotch covered by the bow?

Yuri Tarded  12/17/08 6:38 pm
That wasn't a bow. That was a Mexican hooker with a massive wart-like viral infection. Merry xmas douchebag.

Richard  12/17/08 6:45 pm
You're fucking hilarious!! Thanks for the laughs every month.

charles  12/17/08 7:01 pm
fucking amen to this why don't more people realize this shit. she has it RIGHT! WAKE THE FUCK UP AND SMELL THE SHIT PILE.

Lainey  12/18/08 6:59 am
Will you let me suck your dick?

way2trivial  12/18/08 11:54 am
the jet in San Diego killed 4-- maybe you don't count the mother-in-law?

Nonny Amos  12/18/08 12:59 pm
No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. Although most of these are insects and bacteria, this does not rule out flying reindeer.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of red goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Death Magnetic  12/19/08 6:51 pm
Does this mean you won't be coming to my house this year and leaving me the Guitar Hero I asked for, Santa? WELL, FUCK YOU, THEN!

Angus McShagnasty  12/20/08 2:01 am
And what about the ball gag for my wife?

fuckhead  12/20/08 3:05 am
I don't like santa. that fucker still owes me a bike.

and Nonny, that was fuckin hilarious.

Amber Doreen  12/20/08 1:35 pm
Marry me, Nonny!

chris  12/21/08 8:40 pm
i would like to buy a t-shirt with naked men on it. good looking ones not real ppl.

Jeff  12/22/08 3:49 am
I was wondering when Santa was finally going to tell us off. It was just a matter of time. And booze.

bored at work  12/23/08 1:02 am
Nonny amos, pally, you really need to get fucking laid man!

Marry X-mas  12/23/08 2:01 am
Santa, hit the bong man.

Nonny, If he starts at the International date line on midnight of the 24th. He will have to jump several continants so he would make up time so he would have ,,uhmmm fuck it .. hit the bong man. And go get laid

CJ  12/24/08 2:08 am
That is the funniest shit I have read in about 10 fucking years! No lie, u rock! THAT's goin on my blog (with all due trackbacks!)

Joe  12/24/08 2:09 pm
Hey santa! I'll apologize for cumming in your mouth,if you apologize for that distastful letter ya wrote.


-----Original Message-----

9/11 was an inside job... From: Katherine H.

Being a mexican american...I find the email I got saying that ONLY black people can have the discount very affensive. Why couldnt you just say dicount is provided to everyone of every race to honor black people. I could care less about the discount...i care about how you stated the email.

Also by the way my husband is in the airforce have you ever thouht about a military HONOR the people in the military that put there lives on the line.....?

Editor's Note: Okay Katherine, you've had your fun, but now it's time to return your computer to the white person you stole it from. I can appreciate that you needed to use "dee Google" to look up how to fold bed sheets with maximum efficiency, but please return that PC to the family who needs it for bill payments and communication.

As to your husband being in the Air Force, I am just baffled. I simply cannot imagine the scenario in which the Air Force would need a gardener. Does he mow down a strip whenever an emergency landing is required? Or does he spray lawn chemicals on the enemy below from the tail-gunner position?

Oh wait... Are you one of them Mexicans what married outside'n yer race? I do declare... Will wonders never cease? How do ya'll... you know... engage in familiar relations? Do the parts line up okay, like it does with Jesus-approved white-on-white lovin'?

Sorry about that. I just broke into my "Southern white lady" character for some reason. Anyway, no, we have never considered a military discount on our shirts. I already pay for the pills those guys receive to fight off the shakes with my hard (easily) earned tax dollars. Why should I go even further and give them a discount on some shirts they're just going to use to chew on during one of their flashbacks?

Now get back to work. And remember not to wake up Mr. Garson in Room 412; he has a hard day of living off your relatives' labor ahead of him.

Comments (23) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Bill Hicks  12/15/08 1:33 pm
Are people really this stupid? I can't help but think these emails are made up. How the hell could you be a fan of this site and not pick up on the constant sarcasm. What the fuck am I talking about? I've been alive 35 years and I want to know if people are truly this stupid? I guess I'm the dumbass now!

Booker  12/15/08 3:58 pm
No actually Bill Hicks your a loser for being 35 and still sitting around probably in your parents basement surfing the internet. Now onto the comment. Im in the military myself and i wouldn't go so far to say the air force put their lives on the line, we could just replace them with girl scouts they do about the equivalent. Discounts would be sweet though!!

Corella  12/15/08 5:25 pm
Discounts for people in a certain type of job or in the military or even for your race if fucking idiotic. The discount wasn't enough to make a difference and it wasn't suppose to, which was fucking awesome. Just because your ancestors fucked a member of another race is no reason for a discount on a fucking tshirt.

Brande  12/16/08 2:07 am
This lady is a double-whammy for laziness: She's a mexican military wife. I mean God, does it get any worse? Screwing 73 guys in the Airforce in 2 months and finally getting lucky enough to trap one of them into marriage by getting knocked up is NOT a job. Likewise, wearing the sluttiest clothes you can find while parading yourself around base is not a " career move". Mexican women who marry military guys don't have children; they give birth to little insurance policies. Then, after their paycheck is secured for the next 18 years, they proceed to fuck everything that walks while their husbands are deployed.
(I was a female in the Army for 4 years in El Paso...I'm pretty much an expert.)

millerdlee  12/16/08 7:43 am
Bill you are a dumbass.
Booker, I agree with you, at least the Girl Scouts would bring in some kick ass cookies to work.

Renee  12/16/08 3:38 pm
"Also by the way my husband is in the airforce have you ever thouht about a military discunt" Picking out this rocket scientist's inability to spell would be lame, as everyone picks these things apart but "DISCUNT" caught my attention. This is a site that sells T-shirts. (I am talking slowly at this point, now you are reading it that way!!) I don't think Latinawannahandout is a maid. I think she is a prostitute who is used to selling discount cunt and well, she just got confused because she is tired and worn out. I think she's bumped her head too many times on the headboard and her herpes meds have impaired her judgment. Remember, we don't push 1 for English. We don't give shit to illegals. We don't touch strangers where they pee. Lastly smile Jesus loves everyone but the idiots who complain about this site being offensive.

Tony Boss  12/16/08 3:53 pm
What can i say but there really are some FUCKING DUMB people out there......If you can`t take a joke don`t come to the site....Fuck a nigger today if you`re lucky it might be me...

tman  12/16/08 7:59 pm
Why didnt you say anything about the "discunt" you smelly cunt?

Angus McShagnasty  12/17/08 12:26 pm
The black person discount is like quotas for jobs and schools. It just helps level the playing field. Sure, they can steal a gun and rob a convenience store but that doesn't work online. They probably only had to honor a couple of discounts anyway. How many Spear Chuckers do you see wearing t-shirts anyway, don't they all wear those bright orange jumpsuits?

jason  12/17/08 3:02 pm
yeah people in the military can't wear tshirthell shirts unfortunately

Buck O'fama  12/17/08 5:44 pm
If I had a nigger I would let it wear t-shirts just like my Mexicans.

Dave  12/18/08 8:56 am
What a dumb motherfucker! The message about that discount even implied anybody could use it when it stated that you could not determine if we were really black or not!

Travis  12/18/08 2:56 pm
I served in the Air Force to defend my country and the rights of all who live here including your monkey asses right to say the stupid shit you say but cannot stand you insulting someone who has chosen to protect our country. For Christmas I hope you get a bullet to the head so Merry Christmas and Fuck you.

Stupid and manipulated  12/18/08 9:09 pm
Did anyone realize she spelled "Discunt"? Like... This cunt.

Stinks the Clown  12/19/08 1:59 pm
Funny. I wish I could say that. I love peeps crying about "race" but say "I am Mexican American". If you were true to yourself, you can say "Hi, I am Human Being". Like there is some special water fountain in purgatory that is for the "Mexican Americans ONLY". Liek Mexican Wedding cookies taste better than chocolate chip. Like Mexican ball sweat doesn't smell like ball sweat.

Bill Hicks  12/19/08 3:04 pm
Dear Booker and millerdlee,

Please remove your cocks from each other's mouth. Booker you voluntarily joined the military and have the gall to call me a loser? I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17. How old were you when you moved out and started paying your own bills? Joining the military doesn't count because we, the tax payers, paid your bills. Man, millerdlee, I'm a dumbass? Thanks for telling me something about myself I already stated, you dumbass.

o.O  12/19/08 3:14 pm
I can tell you Stinks the Clown, Mexican ball sweat does have a certain peppery smell to it. They say it's absorbed through the hands. I make oodles of money sell said ball sweat to Travis so he can say he's had sex with the notorious Katherine.

Death Magnetic  12/19/08 7:07 pm
Pinche Katherine pendeja! No puedes hablar bien, babosa! Es por eso, la gente aqui cada vez dicen cosas malas. Vieja des graciada mensa! Haga me un favor y ciera to pinche boca, estupida! Estas mandando la gente Mexicana un nombre fea por que ellos piensen que nosotros somos nada mas de una cultura que no quieren a trabajad y somos flojos! Culera!

Terror  12/19/08 11:20 pm
Take Free Speech Away From Retarded Mexicans
(get rid of spanish too)

Pud  12/20/08 10:25 am
Having served in the military as an officer I can assure you our Mexican personel were highly valued. The numerous golf courses were well maintained by these skilled workers. By the way, our black noncoms never could get the hang of it but in their credit, they could damn well serve at a party. I hope you have gotten the point that their is a place for all of us in this big beautiful God blessed country.

lame  12/20/08 4:51 pm
GOD??? Whos GOD?? And are we really blessed?

grape777  12/24/08 1:49 am
who loves tshirthell?? discunt....

Alan J  01/07/09 10:29 am
Go fuck yourself you "Mexican-American" Why not just American? This means you want to be different from us Americans. Go swim your turd colored ass back across the border to the whore house you used to work at and put your kids back out on the street selling chiclets to tourists in order to get the taste of your nasty crotch out of their mouths. Oh and have a nice day you seperatist wetback!

joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: tear

im so disgusted with people using the word retarded there are more appropriate words to use like mentally challenged physically challenged and so on i will never and i mean never order from your site i have family that is challenged and you just pist me off you should be asamed of yourself

Editor's Note: Go retard yourself, you retarded fucking retard. Go buy a can of retard jelly and use it to lube up your retarded asshole. Now tell all your retarded family members to join in the new retarded game: "A Bunch of Goddamn Retards Fist a Retarded Douche in His Retarded Asshole With Their Retarded Fists."

You may not be sure if that pack of retards will like this retarded game, but trust me, they will. Because retards have no standards and enjoy practically everything. You know... because their brains are all retarded.

And you may think you've upset me, but I'm perfectly fine with you never ordering anything from our site. We don't accept Play-Doh or chewed-up coasters as payment anyway.

By the way, your average, run-of-the-mill stupid person is "mentally challenged" in that being smart is a challenge for him/her. There is a distinction between the retarded and the stupid, which is why we call retards retarded. They are called retarded because retardation has occurred and their cellular structure has been, by the technical definition of the word, retarded.

Yeah, retards have been dealt a shitty hand (and they have shitty hands), but calling someone what they are is neither immoral nor indecent. I mean, would you think me insensitive if I said Asian people are terrible drivers because of their narrow eyes? Or if I said black females get pregnant if they even think about penis? Damn it! Now I have to get another abortion.

Comments (14) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Bill Hicks  12/15/08 1:38 pm
I wish my job was like high school, so they would seperate retards from the normal people.

Ronman  12/16/08 8:13 am
I guess I should quit saving my chewed up coasters then. Thanks for the heads up!

Aaron N  12/16/08 10:15 am
Whoever picks out the images on these deserves a raise for that one. Ha!!

TMAN  12/16/08 7:56 pm
How could you miss the "discunt", you smelly cunt?

Michael  12/17/08 1:03 am
You know tear...Your fucking retarded family probally would no longer be retarded if you stupid fucks would quit fucking your relatives nightly up there in Montana. The first rule of evolution is spread the genes apart not cluster them into a retarded welfare fortune.

El Wappo  12/17/08 8:23 pm
First of Michael, if that is your real name, people in Montana spread their genes more than they do in your Canadian city. When was the last time you bread outside of your species? Oh, that recently, I stand corrected.
I once dated a retarded girl, man was she a screamer. In fact, that's why we broke up. I couldn't stand her screaming in the middle of Walmart. Don't get me wrong, I'm not to good to be seen with a tard, I just have sensitive ears.

Angus McShagnasty  12/18/08 9:01 am
I once dated a girl that wasn't retarded. Way too much work, always talking about things and such. I'll take a droolin' tard any day as long as she is not a cow. Just enough brain function to keep breathing and give head. Angus Jr sure loves that droolin' tard head.

Clamdigger  12/18/08 7:34 pm
Hey El Wappo, you stupid river jumping filthy pile of Mexi-trash, it's "bred", not "bread". You're just another RETARD who should have had a cinder block tied around your body at birth and thrown into the shit and piss pool at the nearest sewage treatment plant.

Death Magnetic  12/19/08 7:13 pm
I'm not disgusted with people using the word "retarded" or "retard". How else are we supposed to communicate with the people who work the drive thru at McDonald's when they fuck your order up?

Terror  12/19/08 11:11 pm
Get a picture of a Retarded Jewish Black Faggot Midget (you'd probably need two of them to make it a gay picture)
caption: Don't Let Montana Breed

shirt idea, it's fake but it fits here

Pud  12/20/08 10:29 am
Isn't anyone up with it these days? The term now is TARD. We call them TARDS. They parents are PRETARDS.

Buck naked  12/20/08 1:48 pm
Sing with me, "Ding fries are done."

Alan J  01/07/09 10:23 am
Fuck you tear. Right in your retarded politically correct asshole. That is what is wrong with our Country. Pussies like you that get their panties in a wad every time the hear something they deem offensive. Grow some testicles and then run them through a meat grinder. Take pictures and maybe..JUST MAYBE TSHIRTHELL will put it on a shirt and use the proceeds to hire some retards to come drool on your back while they are pounding you from behind.

Lazy-bleize  02/17/09 6:39 am
I love the way that this person is so stupid they dont even know that MENTAL RETARDATION is actually a medical diagnosis
ah well its there problem if they get upset by a simple word
if everyone was like that person we wouldnt even talk because somehow every word would be offensive
however here is my word for the day

laters x

division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Andy

Something must be wrong with the new Happy Shirt! section. I clicked the link given in my latest email, and all the shirts on that page read "I'm a goddamn EMO pussy, please fucking kill me now". I guess this problem should be forwarded to your site admin. Stay fucking classy mother fuckers.

Editor's Note: Okay, you heard everything I had to say on this subject a few weeks ago. So instead of boring you by writing the same five sentences you've already read (you know, the way I usually do) I'd like to make this portion of the newsletter interactive. I'm about to write the set-up to a joke, and all you people in Computer Land can furnish the punch line in the comments. There's no prize, but at least you'll kill a little more time before dying. Anyway, here's the set-up.

"Iggy Pop, two naked Jews and a raptor walk into a gay bar. They all sit at the bar and are about to order their drinks when all of the sudden a Bolivian guy holding a pair of uzis bursts through the door. That's when [punch line here]"

Comments (22) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Bill Hicks  12/15/08 1:46 pm
... Iggy pops the two naked Jews in the ass with a raptor and says to the Bolivian...

Hill Bicks  12/15/08 4:26 pm
"Hey! Hey, you! Bolivian guy! What the fuck do you have to do to get a retard to get fisted by his own family?"
The nazi says to Iggy:

FuckYou  12/15/08 5:05 pm
....and thats when Andy (the guy who send the letter) jumps in and sucks everybodys cock.

Ronman  12/16/08 8:20 am
...the baby Jeebus jumps out from the womens rest room and shields Iggy, the jews and the raptor from the barrage of Bolivian bullets with his magic love. Of course, everyone was killed so the Bolivian had to drink the blood of the baby Jeebus!

PhilosopherRogue  12/16/08 11:06 am
I quit caring about this email and this joke.

Stef  12/16/08 6:06 pm
The Raptor turned and ate Iggy pop. The two Jews were the first to get blown away and when the bolivian blew the raptor to pieces, Iggy Pop jumped out and gave the bolivian the buddist knuckle. The bolivian fell to the ground and Iggy ran.

Jimmy  12/17/08 5:23 pm
And then JEW JEW JEW JEW NIGGER NIGGER JEW ha my punchline is best

AngusMcShagnasty  12/17/08 5:50 pm
"Iggy Pop, two naked Jews and a raptor walk into a gay bar. They all sit at the bar and are about to order their drinks when all of the sudden a Bolivian guy holding a pair of uzis bursts through the door. That's when some camel fucking diaper head with a bomb vest comes in and blows everyone up. But the joke was on him, the 72 virgins were smelly burka wearing Roseanne Barr look alikes.

gary  12/18/08 2:44 pm
he sprays everyone down, while only leaving raptor left. soon to find out it was RAPTOR JESUS

Captain Obvious  12/18/08 2:49 pm
.... he opened fire and everyone died.

I'm the fat guy in the picture below  12/18/08 9:15 pm
The raptor thought baby jesus blood would fill him up, but it simply sent his nerve endings crazy. Izzy pop takes the bolivians hand out of his ass and says "sell this hand! you know what that is?"
Dumb ass "philosopher rogue" replies. Reminds me of home, when my dad used to _____

pitscorpion  12/19/08 1:14 am
but its really tom waits and they have caffine and nicotine

stinky  12/19/08 1:52 pm
all the dicks got cut in half by blazing bullets, then Iggy cut off his balls, cut 'em in half and squeezed the juice in the raptors eyes, and the manora was lit. Thanks for my wasted life.

Stephen Ackart  12/19/08 3:37 pm

SonofBob  12/19/08 4:17 pm
...the raptor lays his huge cock on the bar, THAWAP!, and says to the bartender: "Water for my Jews, whiskey for my old wife there, and get Evo Morales a cab. I'll have a white wine spritzer. And hurry up, I don't have all epoch."

patrick  12/19/08 6:37 pm
The bartender says "why the long face?"

Jeffy  12/20/08 11:56 am
Clam chowder!!!!!

mofohead  12/20/08 4:09 pm
The bartender says "we don't get too many naked Jews, raptors, Bolivian guys with uzis, and Iggy Pop in here."
Iggy Pop, the two naked Jews, the raptor and the bolivian guy with the pair of uzis reply with "And at these prices you won't get any more!"

mofohead  12/20/08 4:40 pm
The Bolivian guy walks up to the bar and orders 5 shots. The bartender says "Hey pal, something wrong?"
The Bolivian guy says "Yeah. I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
The bartender says "Jesus, that's horrible. What did you do?"
The Bolivian guy tells him "I kicked her out of the house and sent her packin."
The bartender says "Wow, what'd you do to your best friend?"
The Bolivian guys says "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

The Bolivian then shoots Iggy Pop, the jews and the raptor eats their remains.

ilovebeans  12/24/08 1:58 am
I love tom waits!! and dr mcninja!! yea i think of dr mcninja whenever raptors are brought up...

yoyome  12/24/08 2:04 am
nate o'potato if you're reading this I think you're adorable.

John  12/28/08 11:39 pm
The jews feed Iggy to th eraptor as an appetizer, tell the Bolivian that the cocaine is being smuggledin the raptors belly, sell the bar keep the uzi's while the bolivian is looking for the coke, mistake two emo chicks for jewish boys on their way out, get blow jobs and clothes from emo's, buy another media outlet on the way home. Fucking jews.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Jason

The "Guys Who Wear Sandals Get What They Deserve" shirt is just plain retarded. You guys are going to lose more customers with that shirt than you'll gain. Whoever came up with the idea for that shirt deserves to be tarred and feathered and sent to work a cash register at Walmart with all the other retards.

Editor's Note: I believe you meant to say "with all the other mentally challenged persons." And you meant to call that shirt "just plain mentally challenged." And instead of "You guys are going to lose more customers with that one than you'll gain," you meant to write "I'm a huge fucking faggot and chug sperm like it contains the formula for immortality and super strength."

Seriously though, I don' t appreciate you implying everyone who works at Wal-Mart is retarded. I don't know if you're insulting retards or Wal-Mart employees, but I'm sure one group or the other would like to throw poop at you over that one.

It may surprise you to learn this, but before we put out any shirt about Jesus, we run it past him first. When one of our designers has the idea ready he shows it to me. After that I say the following prayer to Jesus:

"Dear Jesus,

We are about to print yet another shirt that mocks you and all of your followers. If you have any problem with this, please provide me with any kind of sign at all. I mean, if you can walk on water you should have no trouble burning out one of my light bulbs or causing a tiny earthquake. [Pause] Okay, so you have no problem with the shirt. Thanks, J-Dog. By the way, I blew up another Planned Parenthood yesterday. So if you could stamp my card when you have time I'll finally be able to get that free sub sandwich.


Comments (19) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Bill Hicks  12/15/08 1:41 pm
Jason, people laugh behind your back when they see you wearing sandals.

Irrumatio  12/15/08 6:17 pm
This email response reminds me of the need to buy this shirt.

randomperson  12/15/08 9:51 pm
I don't know if Jason's context was appropriately captured. If it were me, I would say, "That shirt made me go, 'holy cocksucking Jehovah!, that's not actually funny at all!' Damn you, tshirt hell, for disappointing me."
Sorry, it has nothing to do with content, it's just only as funny as this Bill Hicks prick who posted on every article. Does that guy have a job?

G  12/18/08 8:04 pm
in response to all above e-mails:

"Welcome to America Fuckers! We get to say whatever the fuck we want, because somebody's great grandaddy paid for that right in blood."

Piece, i'm out...

Yvonne  12/19/08 12:13 am
I know people who work at Wal-Mart. A lot of them are working there to pay their way through college. They aren't stupid, and they sure as hell are kinder, better people than you. I think it should be madatory that anyone who buys a product from a store has to first work retail for one month in order to know what it's like to deal with rotten people like this one. Dealing with people like themselves would be the perfect punishment.

pitscorpion  12/19/08 1:16 am
ahh man, that prayer is pure beauty

Fred  12/19/08 12:04 pm
In response to Yvonne,
Isn't there a porch in the projects that's been left unoccupied?
As to the rest of the damned, see if you can the get the big J.C. and the holy triple-fuck to prove their existence. Yes, I know that faith is something you have in your heart. Know what's in my heart? A happy mix of oxygen transport fluid and cholesterol!
Merry Christmas! Now go buy your "friends" some more Santa coasters and video games. My fucking Microsoft stock is taking a beating!

Terror  12/19/08 11:06 pm
I hate FAGGOTs and only FAGGOTs wear sandals, fuck jesus and his FAGGOT sandal wearing ass

I hate FAGGOTs there should be more of the word FAGGOT on here because it is a very strong and hateful word

a little more religion hate wouldn't hurt either, I already own the rest of the religion hating shirts

snap  12/19/08 11:23 pm
Hey, walmart has some nice people. Except the security there. those guys are fucking dicks when you try and walk out without "paying for something."
Oh, and somebody make a shirt that says "Jason fucking sucks"

Jeff  12/20/08 1:42 am
BTW; thanks for the picture of the cute hairy shirtless chubby guy.

candy floss  12/20/08 9:32 am
you have a wicked sense of humour - reading your emails makes my day!

Glockock  12/20/08 10:51 am
AhHa!! Some times the Man gives a sign and you just don't realize it at the time~~In your case, slit, you developed a cyst in your snatch and one in your ass that you won't notice until it's too late! If you are lucky enough to convince a drunken retard to "do" you, he will inevitably start off with a dry version of '0ne in the Stink, Two in the Pink'; which will be the 'Cyst Button Trigger'~~ergo blowing you and the tard to tiny bits of bloody spray.
"Hey, whoever has the shitty office,er,cubicle-you're movin' up to the cube that a little less shitty!

blachloch  12/20/08 8:25 pm
jesus died for our sins so by sacrificing himself he gave me the right to sin by mocking him

Bill Cosby  12/21/08 2:42 am
I don't hate Jason for wearing sandals, or loving Jesus. I hate him because he's black.

TripC  12/21/08 5:22 am
lmao, awesome shirt fuck the haters. you guys need to make a religion hating shirt for the westboro baptist church in topeka ks. that would be the shit

Death Magnetic  12/21/08 11:06 am
Hahahahahahaha!!!! Fred Phelps is a closet fag! That's why he hates queers and dicksuckers like him!!!

Not Bill Hicks  12/23/08 6:19 pm
So, Iggy jumps up and starts blowing the guy while the two naked Jews double-team him from behind. Unfortunately, the raptor is hit when the Uzi's go off accidentally because the Bolivian was so shocked when the two Jews started fucking him from behind but, it turned out OK because Iggy is a trained juristic veterinarian and since the Bolivian suffers from premature ejaculation, he was finished before the raptor hit the ground. Iggy patched him up, it was only a flesh wound anyway and they all grabbed a table and did Jager-bombs until the Bolivian passed out. Then the Jews did him again. Oh, and one of the queens at the bar jumped up and yelled, "Ooh! What cute little guns, they would SO go with my bag."

John  12/28/08 11:48 pm
I know people that work at Walmart too.My favorite one is the one who sticks her tongue between the space in her front teeth to lick her lips before she greets me. Sandals on a dude over the age of 6 is as innappropriate as gramma in a thing. And I aint talkin' flip flops.

Josh  01/02/09 3:41 pm
Wow. Every person who posted a comment so far on here probably wore button up shirts with flames on them to high school. And straight leg jeans with 8 dollar tennis shoes from walmart. Not because they didnt have the money for other clothes, but because they liked them.

And i cant believe that faggot spelled peace wrong. HAHA. he spelled it the wrong way AND in the wrong context!!! Fuckin douche.

Piece XD

division of labor

[And a Partridge in My Oven]

Knowledge is power. And yet the biggest threat to our military is a bunch of cave dwellers who think 72 virgins blow you when you die. Weird.