THE BLACK MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN
BAILOUT
GIFT WRAP IS BACK
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
FUCKING CLASSY
WHITE FLOUR
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH MIDGETS
SANTA RUBBED YOUR TOOTHBRUSH ON HIS

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER


Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (pronounced "Johnson") was recently arrested for attempting to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. So wait... Does this mean it's not for sale any more? Damn it, I was just about to put in my bid. I'm trying to get my hands on anything that might potentially smell like Michelle's vag.

Obama has stated he had no knowledge of Blagojevich's dealings. He added, "And I'm certainly not asking for 20% of whatever Rod pulls down. And it's not like I'd be disappointed with any figure below half a mil. And it's not like the $200,000 figure I heard was insulting. Goddamn it, Rod! What kind of politician are you! I get 50 grand to touch a kid in a wheelchair, for fuck's sake!"

Based on early polling, a majority of the American people seem to be pleased with Barack Obama's performance. And for once, I agree with the American people. No one can sit there and not be Bush quite like Barack Obama. Anyway, according to further polling, 100% of Americans think they're smart, so take all this with a grain of salt.

The Golden Globe nominations were announced last week. Forgive me if I don't seem excited about this, but I can't really respect the opinion of a group of voters which fails to recognize the work done on Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Those Chihuahuas were talking!

Three people were recently killed when a military jet crashed into a San Diego neighborhood. And, of course, the media predictably pretended to be upset about the death of three innocent people. But where were the alligator tears for the jet? WHO WEEPS FOR THE JET!

Britney Spears just released the album "Circus." The title represents... Its symbolism strongly suggests... Okay, fine. She called her album Circus because she likes "cotton candy, those funny guys that get out of that little car, and those big cats that meow really weird." Also, seeing elephant vagina always reminds her she needs to wax.


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This is typically the time of year when all the little boys and girls of the world attempt to correspond with Santa. It's an adorable tradition that masks the fact that children don't trust their parents and already realize they can't count on them for shit. Anyway, this year Santa wants to let all of you know you can save your letters. But he does have a message for all of you and he asked me to share it. Enjoy.

Dear assholes,

I will not be making my annual trip all over the world this year. You people already have way too much shit and you just keep buying more. The last thing you need is for me to bring you some more crap in addition to the goddamn puppy-shaped iPod you just bought for yourself. Add to that the fact that there's just way too many of you people these days and, well, I just can't do it.

Seriously, enough with the procreation. Apparently I should've been handing out condoms as stocking stuffers the last few decades. Ever hear of birth control? Abortion? How about just not doing it? The last thing Santa, and the world, needs are smaller but equally worthless versions of you to take up space and waste my valuable time. You're supposed to have the ability to recognize how your behavior negatively affects the world and correct said behavior. How are you going to advance if you can't even outsmart picture 1your genitals? God... you're a bunch of fucking chimps.

I'm getting off-topic. Another reason I won't be paying you a visit is because all your little "miracles" are fat loads of crap these days. At least Santa earned this belly with centuries of public service. Your pudgy little porkers have no right to be obese just because mommy decided to make Dora the Explorer and Leapfrog software their babysitter. And stop leaving me milk and cookies. You like hypertension so much, you eat those Oreos, tubby. Jesus Christ - You want the doctor to take Santa's other foot?

But all of that is just me attempting to justify the fact that I simply don't want your fucking letters anymore. For one thing, who still writes letters? I've had email for a good ten years now. In that time you idiots have wasted enough paper writing letters to papier-mâché the fucking moon. And your kids' letters aren't as cute as you assholes seem to think they are. 'Oh look. Tyler wrote the "R" in skateboard backward; isn't a lack of education adorable?'

picture 1While I'm on the subject, it’s bad enough you send letters, but you could at least keep your letters short and sweet. Your name and list of desired gifts will more than suffice. I don't need to hear that you've been a good boy. I could really give a shit. You can shoot up your school and throw your little sister down a well for all I care. You'll still get your Nintendo Wii because none of it really matters.

Speaking of my standards, I also really couldn't care less what religion your kid is, despite what you Jesus freaks believe. I give gifts to all children. You think I give a shit which fictional character you forced your kids to believe in? 99% of adults don't understand the bullshit they believe. I don't expect a 5-year-old to wrap his head around thousands of years of theology or the creation of the universe by an unseeable being.

Kids will believe we live in a giant donkey stomach and our Lord is a monster with an afro made of dildos and a body made of s'mores if you drill that shit into their heads early enough. Children of the world: You are all equally deserving of the finest toys Asian kids can make. Just don't blame me if your Jew parents take it away and replace it with a top made of potatoes or a wooden pancake.picture 1

Lastly, please don't ask for anything I can't carry in my sack. You want me to get your parents back together? Why don't you ask your mom to drop fifty pounds? You want me to help your sick grandma get better? Take it up with the guy who gave her cancer. You know, the prick you pray to every night.

Well, it's time for me to get back to abusing elves. But before I go, allow me to share with you the one item on Santa's list: I would like for all of the children of the world to watch from the corner of their living rooms, as their mothers choke on my cock and their fathers lick my jolly ol' asshole.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a fuck off.

Sincerely drunk,

Santa


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