This is typically the time of year when all the little boys and girls of the world attempt to correspond with Santa. It's an adorable tradition that masks the fact that children don't trust their parents and already realize they can't count on them for shit. Anyway, this year Santa wants to let all of you know you can save your letters. But he does have a message for all of you and he asked me to share it. Enjoy.

Dear assholes,

I will not be making my annual trip all over the world this year. You people already have way too much shit and you just keep buying more. The last thing you need is for me to bring you some more crap in addition to the goddamn puppy-shaped iPod you just bought for yourself. Add to that the fact that there's just way too many of you people these days and, well, I just can't do it.

Seriously, enough with the procreation. Apparently I should've been handing out condoms as stocking stuffers the last few decades. Ever hear of birth control? Abortion? How about just not doing it? The last thing Santa, and the world, needs are smaller but equally worthless versions of you to take up space and waste my valuable time. You're supposed to have the ability to recognize how your behavior negatively affects the world and correct said behavior. How are you going to advance if you can't even outsmart your genitals? God... you're a bunch of fucking chimps.

I'm getting off-topic. Another reason I won't be paying you a visit is because all your little "miracles" are fat loads of crap these days. At least Santa earned this belly with centuries of public service. Your pudgy little porkers have no right to be obese just because mommy decided to make Dora the Explorer and Leapfrog software their babysitter. And stop leaving me milk and cookies. You like hypertension so much, you eat those Oreos, tubby. Jesus Christ - You want the doctor to take Santa's other foot?

But all of that is just me attempting to justify the fact that I simply don't want your fucking letters anymore. For one thing, who still writes letters? I've had email for a good ten years now. In that time you idiots have wasted enough paper writing letters to papier-mâché the fucking moon. And your kids' letters aren't as cute as you assholes seem to think they are. 'Oh look. Tyler wrote the "R" in skateboard backward; isn't a lack of education adorable?'

While I'm on the subject, it’s bad enough you send letters, but you could at least keep your letters short and sweet. Your name and list of desired gifts will more than suffice. I don't need to hear that you've been a good boy. I could really give a shit. You can shoot up your school and throw your little sister down a well for all I care. You'll still get your Nintendo Wii because none of it really matters.

Speaking of my standards, I also really couldn't care less what religion your kid is, despite what you Jesus freaks believe. I give gifts to all children. You think I give a shit which fictional character you forced your kids to believe in? 99% of adults don't understand the bullshit they believe. I don't expect a 5-year-old to wrap his head around thousands of years of theology or the creation of the universe by an unseeable being.

Kids will believe we live in a giant donkey stomach and our Lord is a monster with an afro made of dildos and a body made of s'mores if you drill that shit into their heads early enough. Children of the world: You are all equally deserving of the finest toys Asian kids can make. Just don't blame me if your Jew parents take it away and replace it with a top made of potatoes or a wooden pancake.

Lastly, please don't ask for anything I can't carry in my sack. You want me to get your parents back together? Why don't you ask your mom to drop fifty pounds? You want me to help your sick grandma get better? Take it up with the guy who gave her cancer. You know, the prick you pray to every night.

Well, it's time for me to get back to abusing elves. But before I go, allow me to share with you the one item on Santa's list: I would like for all of the children of the world to watch from the corner of their living rooms, as their mothers choke on my cock and their fathers lick my jolly ol' asshole.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a fuck off.

Sincerely drunk,

Santa

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-----Original Message-----

From: Katherine H.

Being a mexican american...I find the email I got saying that ONLY black people can have the discount very affensive. Why couldnt you just say dicount is provided to everyone of every race to honor black people. I could care less about the discount...i care about how you stated the email.

Also by the way my husband is in the airforce have you ever thouht about a military discunt...to HONOR the people in the military that put there lives on the line.....?

Editor's Note: Okay Katherine, you've had your fun, but now it's time to return your computer to the white person you stole it from. I can appreciate that you needed to use "dee Google" to look up how to fold bed sheets with maximum efficiency, but please return that PC to the family who needs it for bill payments and communication.

As to your husband being in the Air Force, I am just baffled. I simply cannot imagine the scenario in which the Air Force would need a gardener. Does he mow down a strip whenever an emergency landing is required? Or does he spray lawn chemicals on the enemy below from the tail-gunner position?

Oh wait... Are you one of them Mexicans what married outside'n yer race? I do declare... Will wonders never cease? How do ya'll... you know... engage in familiar relations? Do the parts line up okay, like it does with Jesus-approved white-on-white lovin'?

Sorry about that. I just broke into my "Southern white lady" character for some reason. Anyway, no, we have never considered a military discount on our shirts. I already pay for the pills those guys receive to fight off the shakes with my hard (easily) earned tax dollars. Why should I go even further and give them a discount on some shirts they're just going to use to chew on during one of their flashbacks?

Now get back to work. And remember not to wake up Mr. Garson in Room 412; he has a hard day of living off your relatives' labor ahead of him.

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-----Original Message-----

From: tear

im so disgusted with people using the word retarded there are more appropriate words to use like mentally challenged physically challenged and so on i will never and i mean never order from your site i have family that is challenged and you just pist me off you should be asamed of yourself

Editor's Note: Go retard yourself, you retarded fucking retard. Go buy a can of retard jelly and use it to lube up your retarded asshole. Now tell all your retarded family members to join in the new retarded game: "A Bunch of Goddamn Retards Fist a Retarded Douche in His Retarded Asshole With Their Retarded Fists."

You may not be sure if that pack of retards will like this retarded game, but trust me, they will. Because retards have no standards and enjoy practically everything. You know... because their brains are all retarded.

And you may think you've upset me, but I'm perfectly fine with you never ordering anything from our site. We don't accept Play-Doh or chewed-up coasters as payment anyway.

By the way, your average, run-of-the-mill stupid person is "mentally challenged" in that being smart is a challenge for him/her. There is a distinction between the retarded and the stupid, which is why we call retards retarded. They are called retarded because retardation has occurred and their cellular structure has been, by the technical definition of the word, retarded.

Yeah, retards have been dealt a shitty hand (and they have shitty hands), but calling someone what they are is neither immoral nor indecent. I mean, would you think me insensitive if I said Asian people are terrible drivers because of their narrow eyes? Or if I said black females get pregnant if they even think about penis? Damn it! Now I have to get another abortion.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Andy

Something must be wrong with the new Happy Shirt! section. I clicked the link given in my latest email, and all the shirts on that page read "I'm a goddamn EMO pussy, please fucking kill me now". I guess this problem should be forwarded to your site admin. Stay fucking classy mother fuckers.

Editor's Note: Okay, you heard everything I had to say on this subject a few weeks ago. So instead of boring you by writing the same five sentences you've already read (you know, the way I usually do) I'd like to make this portion of the newsletter interactive. I'm about to write the set-up to a joke, and all you people in Computer Land can furnish the punch line in the comments. There's no prize, but at least you'll kill a little more time before dying. Anyway, here's the set-up.

"Iggy Pop, two naked Jews and a raptor walk into a gay bar. They all sit at the bar and are about to order their drinks when all of the sudden a Bolivian guy holding a pair of uzis bursts through the door. That's when [punch line here]"

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-----Original Submission-----

From: Jason

The "Guys Who Wear Sandals Get What They Deserve" shirt is just plain retarded. You guys are going to lose more customers with that shirt than you'll gain. Whoever came up with the idea for that shirt deserves to be tarred and feathered and sent to work a cash register at Walmart with all the other retards.

Editor's Note: I believe you meant to say "with all the other mentally challenged persons." And you meant to call that shirt "just plain mentally challenged." And instead of "You guys are going to lose more customers with that one than you'll gain," you meant to write "I'm a huge fucking faggot and chug sperm like it contains the formula for immortality and super strength."

Seriously though, I don' t appreciate you implying everyone who works at Wal-Mart is retarded. I don't know if you're insulting retards or Wal-Mart employees, but I'm sure one group or the other would like to throw poop at you over that one.

It may surprise you to learn this, but before we put out any shirt about Jesus, we run it past him first. When one of our designers has the idea ready he shows it to me. After that I say the following prayer to Jesus:

"Dear Jesus,

We are about to print yet another shirt that mocks you and all of your followers. If you have any problem with this, please provide me with any kind of sign at all. I mean, if you can walk on water you should have no trouble burning out one of my light bulbs or causing a tiny earthquake. [Pause] Okay, so you have no problem with the shirt. Thanks, J-Dog. By the way, I blew up another Planned Parenthood yesterday. So if you could stamp my card when you have time I'll finally be able to get that free sub sandwich.

Later"

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[And a Partridge in My Oven]

Knowledge is power. And yet the biggest threat to our military is a bunch of cave dwellers who think 72 virgins blow you when you die. Weird.