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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!



Happy holidays! By which I mean Christmas and Hanukkah. Kwanzaa can go fuck itself. What the hell is Kwanzaa anyway? It sounds like someone just took a name from a character on Land of the Lost and made it a holiday. And what do Scientologists do on Christmas? Do they leave out gorblex and milk so they won't receive any thetans from Xenu Claus? And what's the deal with airline food? Okay, I'm done tying my noose. I'll stop killing time now.

The results of a 20-month investigation into steroid use in baseball were announced last Thursday. After nearly two years of meticulous research and blood tests, it was discovered that baseball is fucking boring.

Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison due to his role in an organized dogfighting operation. Oh, I get it. The BLACK man gets two years in the joint but the dogs that actually did the fighting aren't charged with shit. I guess that's justice in the white man's America.

"Jeopardy!" host (and the guy on the other side of that glory hole) Alex Trebek suffered a heart attack last week. He would've reported a problem earlier, but this asshole from Harvard kept beating him on the buzzer. Actually, complications arose when he kept shouting "Heart attack!" instead of responding with the appropriate "What are sharp, stabbing pains in my left arm?"

Ike Turner just passed away at the age of 76. In a related story, Tina Turner keeps running into a haunted doorknob.

It's been reported that movie star (and boner giver) Jessica Alba is pregnant. Jess, I don't know if you had anything in mind, but I've got a great name for your baby. "Perfect Vagina Ruiner." Seriously, now that this flawless poon has been wrecked, there are only two on the planet still worth a damn. You all know mine is one of them, but 100 points goes to anyone who can name the other one. (Hint: She starred in "Murder, She Wrote")

 

 

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New Shirts

Our latest crop of new shirts has arrived, and you can get them just in time to make up for that shitty Christmas gift you're sure to receive. You know what they say...'Tis better to give to yourself than receive from yourself.

We've added a clean shirt about dirty laundry (semen joke) and a shirt designed by the funniest guy who crossed the picket line. Check out those and many others below. Captain Picard says "Make it so, bitch-ass nigga."

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_121707_news.htm

long division



long division


In case the hordes of pagans participating in blood orgies on your front lawn didn't tip you off, the movie "The Golden Compass" was recently released and has subsequently converted the world's population into godless heathens. My mahjong group and I needed no converting, but I digress.

This isn't the first time a film has brought religion to its knees. [Altar boy pun not found] It was only a year ago when "The Da Vinci Code" was released and everyone became either a self-flagellating albino or a douche with a queer haircut. Organized religion was in ruins. Never mind that at roughly the same time it was highly publicized that the church was little more than NAMBLA with fancy outfits. No, this movie was the black eye for Catholicism.

And who could forget the sorcery epidemic that swept over the land as the Harry Potter movies were rolled out annually? That happened, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assumed the planet had been overrun by delightful (gay) English (gay) children performing magic since the Vatican suggested it would happen. I wouldn't know because I've stayed in my house ever since for fear of being caught in the middle of a wizard duel.

But enough tiptoeing around the issue, Hollywood. You want to destroy religion and we all know it. The less money people spend on tithing and Bible wax, the more they have to spend on shitty...I mean spectacular cinema. We all know what you're up to, so enough of this stirring up faux-controversy bullshit. We'll respect you more if you jump the shark and come right out and say what you mean. Below are some suggested film titles.



"97 Minutes of George Clooney Pooping on the Bible"

"Nuns Making Out and Adopting Babies"

"Fuck Jesus"

"Gavin the Goat Cums in Mohammed's Mouth" (animated)

"How Many Torahs Can We Burn in an Hour?"

"Pastor Vs. Rabbi: Who Can Felch Longer?"

"The Pope Clones/Rapes Self"

Michael Moore presents "The Rock & Roll, Violent Video Games, Empowered Women, Gay Marriage and Abortion Festival" (documentary)

"The Olsen Twins Queefing in Baptism Water"

"Devout Jews Teabagging Each Other"

"The Jew/Muslim/Christian Circle-Jerk"

"You Call That a Church-Burning?"

"Fuck Jesus II" (Because we have to find out what happened to that midget)

There you go, Tinseltown. Produce any of those movies and I'm sure you'll finally succeed in putting your competition (decency/shame/hymnals) out of business. Because books and movies aren't simply a couple hours of escape. They define who we are. That's why there have been so many pirate attacks in the past few years. And why after Norbit hit theaters everyone became black and not funny.

But all kidding aside, you'd have to be the biggest fucking asshole on the planet to sincerely believe that entertainment can cause a society to collapse. Every year another movie is supposed to destroy religion and every year religion is still around and that shitty movie made more money than it should have because all that false indignation did nothing more than advertise for it. On a related note, the Pope has called for a boycott of licking my pussy. Fight the power, kids.

 


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