Happy holidays! By which I mean Christmas and Hanukkah. Kwanzaa can go fuck itself. What the hell is Kwanzaa anyway? It sounds like someone just took a name from a character on Land of the Lost and made it a holiday. And what do Scientologists do on Christmas? Do they leave out gorblex and milk so they won't receive any thetans from Xenu Claus? And what's the deal with airline food? Okay, I'm done tying my noose. I'll stop killing time now.
The results of a 20-month investigation into steroid use in baseball were announced last Thursday. After nearly two years of meticulous research and blood tests, it was discovered that baseball is fucking boring.
Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison due to his role in an organized dogfighting operation. Oh, I get it. The BLACK man gets two years in the joint but the dogs that actually did the fighting aren't charged with shit. I guess that's justice in the white man's America.
"Jeopardy!" host (and the guy on the other side of that glory hole) Alex Trebek suffered a heart attack last week. He would've reported a problem earlier, but this asshole from Harvard kept beating him on the buzzer. Actually, complications arose when he kept shouting "Heart attack!" instead of responding with the appropriate "What are sharp, stabbing pains in my left arm?"
Ike Turner just passed away at the age of 76. In a related story, Tina Turner keeps running into a haunted doorknob.
It's been reported that movie star (and boner giver) Jessica Alba is pregnant. Jess, I don't know if you had anything in mind, but I've got a great name for your baby. "Perfect Vagina Ruiner." Seriously, now that this flawless poon has been wrecked, there are only two on the planet still worth a damn. You all know mine is one of them, but 100 points goes to anyone who can name the other one. (Hint: She starred in "Murder, She Wrote")
Our latest crop of new shirts has arrived, and you can get them just in time to make up for that shitty Christmas gift you're sure to receive. You know what they say...'Tis better to give to yourself than receive from yourself.
We've added a clean shirt about dirty laundry (semen joke) and a shirt designed by the funniest guy who crossed the picket line. Check out those and many others below. Captain Picard says "Make it so, bitch-ass nigga."
All of our new shirts are here:
In case the hordes of pagans participating in blood orgies on your front lawn didn't tip you off, the movie "The Golden Compass" was recently released and has subsequently converted the world's population into godless heathens. My mahjong group and I needed no converting, but I digress.
This isn't the first time a film has brought religion to its knees. [Altar boy pun not found] It was only a year ago when "The Da Vinci Code" was released and everyone became either a self-flagellating albino or a douche with a queer haircut. Organized religion was in ruins. Never mind that at roughly the same time it was highly publicized that the church was little more than NAMBLA with fancy outfits. No, this movie was the black eye for Catholicism.
And who could forget the sorcery epidemic that swept over the land as the Harry Potter movies were rolled out annually? That happened, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assumed the planet had been overrun by delightful (gay) English (gay) children performing magic since the Vatican suggested it would happen. I wouldn't know because I've stayed in my house ever since for fear of being caught in the middle of a wizard duel.
But enough tiptoeing around the issue, Hollywood. You want to destroy religion and we all know it. The less money people spend on tithing and Bible wax, the more they have to spend on shitty...I mean spectacular cinema. We all know what you're up to, so enough of this stirring up faux-controversy bullshit. We'll respect you more if you jump the shark and come right out and say what you mean. Below are some suggested film titles.
"97 Minutes of George Clooney Pooping on the Bible"
"Nuns Making Out and Adopting Babies"
"Gavin the Goat Cums in Mohammed's Mouth" (animated)
"How Many Torahs Can We Burn in an Hour?"
"Pastor Vs. Rabbi: Who Can Felch Longer?"
"The Pope Clones/Rapes Self"
Michael Moore presents "The Rock & Roll, Violent Video Games, Empowered Women, Gay Marriage and Abortion Festival" (documentary)
"The Olsen Twins Queefing in Baptism Water"
"Devout Jews Teabagging Each Other"
"The Jew/Muslim/Christian Circle-Jerk"
"You Call That a Church-Burning?"
"Fuck Jesus II" (Because we have to find out what happened to that midget)
There you go, Tinseltown. Produce any of those movies and I'm sure you'll finally succeed in putting your competition (decency/shame/hymnals) out of business. Because books and movies aren't simply a couple hours of escape. They define who we are. That's why there have been so many pirate attacks in the past few years. And why after Norbit hit theaters everyone became black and not funny.
But all kidding aside, you'd have to be the biggest fucking asshole on the planet to sincerely believe that entertainment can cause a society to collapse. Every year another movie is supposed to destroy religion and every year religion is still around and that shitty movie made more money than it should have because all that false indignation did nothing more than advertise for it. On a related note, the Pope has called for a boycott of licking my pussy. Fight the power, kids.
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(Warning: This one is really long. And really fucking stupid.)
From: Preeti T.
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Subject: "Bros before Hoes" t-shirt
As a young woman, student, daughter, sister, and individual, I find myself obligated to write you this e-mail, as well as somewhat distraught. The reason I am e-mailing you is concerning your t-shirt line, notably the "Bros before Hoes" slogan that your company t-shirt hell, has promoted. I not only find this slogan offensive, but I feel as though it is my duty to inform you of its unbelievable biases against women.
I must inform you that my frustration is not out of being a supporter of Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, since it is important to recognize that this is not the issue at hand. The problem is, however, that the slogan you are promoting is being bought by students, students of my prestigious University that I believe are educated and perhaps misled by the false notions your slogan has created.
With serious issues such as the gender wage gap at hand, and the fact that women have been battling for their positions not only in the professional world, but in asserting their gender roles for decades, I feel as though your slogan promotes nothing but sexist behavior and false stereotyping.
I recognize that your t-shirt line is supposed to be amusing, but I find myself insulted more than anything. In looking for your contact info, I ran into t-shirts such as "Anna Nicole ate my little brother." These stereotypes perpetuate and allow men to believe the have power over women, women who are characterized so commonly as "hoes." It is no surprise that women are expected to be skinny in order to be thought of as beautiful. The fact that your company endorses such ideals, however, is shocking.
I do hope this e-mail brings to your attention the problems we as a society face, since it seems you are not already aware. Women of all colors and sizes are mothers, friends, lovers, wives, sisters, daughters, and much, much more. I urge to think, then, why so many of them are called "sluts" and "hoes." In addition, your slogan, to a certain extent, perplexed me.
I wasn't sure if you were degrading women alone by calling them "hoes" and refering to "bros" as "my guy friends" or trying to make it equally funny by using the word "brother"--one commonly used in African American rheteroric as a way of degrading Black men. In any case, your "Bros before Hoes" slogan is misleading, and portrays you and your company as rude and frankly, uneducated. To my understanding, Hillary Clinton has never been, and is currently not a "hoe." If you have an explanation for your actions, I would most certainly be interested to hear it.
Editor's Note: Time and time again I am reminded that one of the biggest endorsements against education is people who are educated. THIS person is being enlightened? Your parents are spending tens of thousands of dollars to send you little twats to college so you can get a good job and get the fuck out of their house. Not so you can harangue people with the bullshit your liberal arts professor shoved into your gooey, impressionable brains.
Your emotionless diatribe would've been maddening enough if its message wasn't four decades old, but the fact that this shit was hack when Jane Fonda squeezed it out of her snatch in the 70's makes it that much more annoying. Did you really think this was going to blow somebody's mind? Did you hope that I had my fingers in my ears and tape over my eyes ever since I was born? Why don't you put a stop to the Salem witch trials while you're at it? Fuck.
If you're wondering why I'm not responding specifically to anything you've said, it's because the counter-argument is just as old as the argument. Nobody won or lost the gender wars. They just stopped fighting because they finally recognized (unlike you) that the fight was pointless.
Here's where we finally settled - Men get the money and the power, and women get to come along for the ride in exchange for the occasional BJ. Until they gain 20 pounds. Sorry I had to break it to you like this, but it's better you find out now rather than later. You know, after you've squeezed out your fifth kid and been a housewife for four years.
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From: dennis s.
Sent: Friday, December 14, 2007
Subject: Why pick on Jesus?
Just want to let you know I think most of your shirts are hilarious and very creative. I've ordered several of them, and I get a kick out of the attention and the comments they attract. But I do have a concern about something......
Now I'm no bible thumper......in fact, I haven't been to church in quite some time. But I notice several of your shirts mock Jesus. And I'd like to ask you WHY? I don't care what you believe or don't believe. Make fun of Buddha or Mohammed or somebody else. That's all I have to say......I won't preach to you.
Editor's Note: Since you were so polite about it, fine, I'll make fun of Buddha and Mohammed.
Boy, that Buddha sure is gay. If he sucked any more cock I'd have to call him Jesus. And how about that Mohammed? I'm not one to judge, but I think it's deplorable that he covered his cock with poop, raped some girl named Mary, punched her in the stomach, and then left her to raise some bastard named Jesus on her own.
Incidentally, why is it that the phrase "Now I'm no Bible thumper..." always precedes something infinitely idiotic? It seems to be the catchphrase for religious people who don't want to admit to themselves that they're just as ignorant as the other ones. "Don't worry, I'm one of the cool ones." No you're fucking not.
It's beginning to have a Pavlovian effect on me. When I read "I'm no Bible thumper" my brain buckles up for the crash with retarded. It's similar to the way I orgasm every time I see a burning hobo.
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From: kerryh*** @ star***.com
Sent: Friday, December 14, 2007
your "100% organic" shirt is simply disgusting. each day more people are becoming aware of the green movement and a lot are even becoming vegans, but this shirt is just a sick reminder that the fight is not nearly over and there are still close-minded jerks out there like you. but one day being environmentaly freindly will be the norm and people like you will be the butt of the joke. have fun selling your shirts until then, A-hole.
Editor's Note: I couldn't agree with you more. You're right. Hey here's a picture from my summer vacation at our Offensive Fur Coat Factory! This little guy was so sweet. I'm going to call him, "Mister Bleedy"!
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From: Minker Man
Sent: Sunday, December 16, 2007
I guess you sell shirts or you wouldn't be in business, but i just can't imagine someone wearing this stuff in public. Seriously, who would walk around with "fuck" or "goddamn" on their shirt? I like a dirty joke same as anyone, but people have a right not to see that stuff in public.
As a good parent I can protect my kids from that stuff at home, but how am I supposed to shield them from shirts like this if someone decided to wear it in Home Depot or something. It just seems wrong.
Editor's Note:I think you just answered your own question, sir. A good parent keeps his or her child from seeing objectionable things in public places by keeping them out of public places. It's really a very self-explanatory solution to the thing you think is a problem. You can't control the entire population, but you can control your kids, so you simply keep them the fuck away from us.
You'd really be doing all interested parties a favor. The general public wouldn't have to be annoyed by your loud, ugly kids, you could keep pretending that you're a good parent, and your children would no longer have to be embarrassed while walking around with an enormous tool.
Or you could just do what all the people you no doubt call "terrible parents" do and fucking deal with it. If you're walking through the mall with your little sperm and egg mixture and he sees the word "fucking" on a shirt and asks you what it means, you simply turn to him and say "It's a bad word. Don't ever say that shit, you little cunt."
That suggestion is for your benefit. I would much rather you kept your child sheltered until one day he snaps, decapitates you, and rapes your throat. Sayonara, yeast infection that your mom thought was a baby.
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Fade to African American
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. But I don't care as long as he remembers the peanut butter thing.