Just as Britney Spears fades from the collective unconscious that is the American wet dream; wrecking her hot body by giving birth, and stretching out an already sizeable vagina; Jessica Simpson comes back on the market. This is America's greatest natural resource: pretty, young, slutty blondes who make mediocre music. It proves once again that this resource is sustainable and renewable.

[Best Christmas Gift, Ever]

It is too late to order shirts in time for Christmas delivery. Even you Jews are stretching it, if you think you might get them in time for that Manischewitz fueled orgy of human sacrifice, arson, and debauchery that you call the final night of Hanukah.

The good news is you can still get gift certificates which are delivered instantly via elfin magic (email) and we have added a bunch of fucked up holiday designs to really add to the fun.

Check them out here:

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.

[Deck the Halls Until They are Slick with Blood]

I saw on TV last night some good news for a change: America is winning, "The War on Christmas". I for one am glad to hear it, because frankly I feel we needed the victory. The War on Drugs was a bust (no pun intended), and The War on Terror is still too close to call. But I think the War on Christmas is really a slam dunk.

Why a War on Christmas? Well, there have been uncorroborated reports of sleigh bells ringing, and possible evidence of reindeer droppings (some say
pigeon) at the World Trade Center right before the first plane hit. So, for me, that's plenty of proof to tie Santa Claus to September 11th.

Not to mention the coded messages sent out to Santa's operatives around the world in songs like, "White Christmas". Long thought to be just a harmless call for ethnic cleansing, the real significance lies is in the verse, "May your days be merry and bright". This is Santa's plan for world domination. His call for a World both Merry and Bright, (or WMB as he likes to call it) makes the idea of Global Communism about as threatening as a pillow fight in a nursing home. Santa's already created one at his workshop at the North Pole, as well as at his Elf Training Camp. We must go there and find, and destroy these WMBs.

I think sending our special forces down to the North Pole will be a really nice break from Afghanistan. After a day of torturing... whoops, I mean talking to elves; our troops can enjoy a nice cup of hot cocoa. And there's no whore, like an elfin whore. Even the ones that are pushing 245 still look 197: and if you slick their hair back, 96. Santa's not hiding in a cave. He's in a well marked building. The place has a sign made out of gumdrops on a thirty foot candy cane. It will not be hard to find.

I figure we'll have this war won by February and those little elves will be holding free elections by March. Our troops will be home by April. Just in time to start The War on Easter. So lay those chocolate eggs while you can Easter Bunny. You're next.

[Twas the Hate Before Christmas.]

----- Original Message -----

From: Rock F.
Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 1:50 PM
Subject: Fw: Baby T-Shirts "NOT AMUSED"

"This was sent to us and we are not amused" The person who sent this to us thought it to be funny.Not even close! I am sending it back To whoever may have a conscience;

I cannot believe a company would target "infants wear" with adult trash.
I cannot believe that anyone would find these to be funny & purchase them.
I cannot believe that anyone with a conscience; anyone who loves their children ;would put these t-shirts with these sayings on them and make them wear it.
I went to the web site to see what else is sold there. No surprise that the adult shirts are belittling and degrading to both men & women.
It's one thing to target adults with this product; they can make their choices; but don't subject the infant who cannot speak for him or herself.


(Editor's Note: Rock, I am sorry your friend sent you an email with
pictures of babies wearing funny t-shirts. Clearly he thought you had a sense of humor. I mean after all, your name is Rock. Maybe your friend was stoned? Stoned, get it Rock? Sorry, I'll stop making fun of your name.
It's impolite, and those of us with normal names sometimes take it for granite.

Children are not harmed by funny t-shirts, if you discount the ones who work
12 hours a day in our factory. And those children are only harmed when they don't listen. I don't think our adult shirts are degrading or belittling, although some styles are quite slimming. Again, I am sorry your friend sent you that email that upset you, but I want to repeat that we had nothing to do with it. We also have nothing to do with the emails you get about how to make your willy longer, and how to keep it hard for more than a minute.
Those are from your wife.)

----- Original Message -----

From: JBRENAND*** @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, December 08, 2005 9:49 PM
Subject: Re: to Black Babies

I think that any ones ( even yours) babies should be thought of as precious.
Why? Do you think that our babies aren't precious to us. What if the Black people did that to yours. Putting the shoe on the other foot! Please be more thoughtful and bless the American public with more positive material to purchase. Remember that the arena of the world is looking at you and we most remember that ! I hope that this picture doesn't reflect your heart, so please reflect it in your business. Thank you!

(Editor's Note: My babies are precious. If by precious you mean stuffed
in bags of medical waste outside the local clinic. Just kidding! They're in jars of formaldehyde lined up on my mantel. Right next to my Oscar from Schindler's List. Don't talk to me about black people. I am black people. I'm always amazed by people like you. When you're talking out of your ass can you do other things with your regular mouth? Like eat a sandwich? If so they should book you in Vegas. My heart, like yours, is filled with nothing but blood. Unlike your head, which is clearly filled with chewing gum, cigarette butts, and wet sand.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Estelle
Sent: Saturday, December 17, 2005 11:05 PM
Subject: what could be hate mail

you bastards
i bet you don't even check your fan mail or tshirt submissions I've sent like a trillion brilliant masterpieces. your lost asshole

--still a fan

(Editor's Note: If this letter is a sample of your creative genius I think we're ok. What about my lost asshole? Don't tell me you found it! All this time I thought it fell behind the stove? Please send it back as soon as you can. And see we do check our fan mail. We're still fans of you too, Estelle. Big fans. Fan means pity and fear, right?)

----- Original Message -----

From: SeXXyIiekaFox*** @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, December 08, 2005 6:54 AM
Subject: (no subject)

Your web site is absolutely offensive and degrading... It's pathetic.
especially your "If Jesus comes back we'll kill him again" shirt. Jesus died on the cross for your sins, and how do we show our gratitude? It's moments like this where I am ashamed of mankind. Who would even consider working for a company with no morals? that really says a lot about it's employers.

(Editor's Note: Winner of the dumbest person ever is sexxyliekafox who has
a typo in her email address! You honestly can not make this stuff up. In
response I give you this email from Tony. It doesn't really answer your question but I doubt you'll notice.

----- Original Message -----

From: "Tony M."
Sent: Tuesday, November 29, 2005 3:45 PM
Subject: funny

I recently had an incident where someone got just a little upset over a t-shirt I bought. I was wearing your classic "There are two people fucking on the back of my shirt.. Just kidding believe in Jesus" shirt, where a guy at our local bowling alley read the front, started laughing histerically and asked to see the back.. when he seen the back the delightful face turned to a hatred frown.. it literally made my day when the man started yelling at the top of his lungs asking me if I thought it was funny that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.. I simply laughed it off and told him, "You're fucking pathetic.. this shirt is in no way implying that I think it's funny that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. You're just a low life hypocrit that stays at the bowling alley to try and pick up 14 year old girls.. you were hoping to see two people fucking and when my shirt made you look like a jackass you get mad. So simply do me a favor and put a bullet in your head when you go to your box on the side of the road to sleep tonight and make this crooked world just a tiny bit better".. the guy was completely speechless and I felt like I should have been on a throne.. haha.. So keep making the t-shirts


See? Just like you, Tony doesn't think it's funny that Jesus died for our sins and yet he is still a fan. But in my opinion, isn't it better that Jesus died for our sins instead of him dying for nothing? Plus, better him than me, you know what I'm saying?)

[It's the end, the year end, kiss my rear end]

Whenever I see a kid in a wheelchair it makes me a little sad. Because I always think, "Gee, they could have used those same wheels to make a bike for a regular kid." What a waste.

Peace on Earth, Wind and Fire