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12/21/04

In the spirit of political correctness, we offer this 'holiday' newsletter.
We don't want to offend any of you rich Jews by calling it a Christmas
newsletter. Even though it's way past Chamikah. I don't know when the
fuck Kwanza is, so that might be over, too. And I don't know what fucking
holidays those filthy Muslims practice other than making every day July
Fourth by running around like shit covered human firecrackers. In my
homeland we pray to the great and powerful Buddha. That fat fuck has it all
over that skinny bitch Jesus, or any of those crazy cab driver religions.
It's tough being politically correct. I don't know how you folks do it.

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The best last minute gift, ever.
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Yes, you waited until the last minute, again and now you think there's no
time to get your friends a cool present?

Wrong. If you order your friend a T-Shirt Hell Gift Certificate
It will arrive instantaneously through the magic of email. If your friend
lives in a cave you can send it to yourself and then print it out and put it
in their filthy little hands.

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/giftcert.php

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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Twas the Night Before Christmas, at T-Shirt Hell
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Twas the night before Christmas, and back at my mansion;
My dog was balls deep, in young Scarlett Johansson

Three teenage runaways all chained to my bed,
Two sucked my tits, while the last gave me head;
The handcuffs were chafing, their collars on tight,
I warmed up the cattle prod for a long night.

A call from security disrupted my screwing;
An alarm had gone off, and some trouble was brewing.
I went to my monitor, scanned the estate.
The intruder was visible on camera eight.

A fat load of crap in a fuzzy red suit,
In a queer little sleigh with his bag full of loot.
Eight tiny reindeer the color of fawn;
This would be the last year they would shit on my lawn.

The hookers and runaways would just have to wait,
While I did what I did to protect my estate.
When I got to my parlor I saw Santa there;
My bodyguards had him strapped down to a chair.

They had beat him severely, they couldn't avoid it.
And Santa they said, well he rather enjoyed it.
"I came for your help," he told me with a tear;
"You're the only one who can save Christmas this year."

"We are so much alike, I know that much is true;
Since you also spread joy; just as much as I do.
I give everyone presents I don't ask to get paid
Is it so much to ask that I want to get laid?"

"A blumpkin! a donkey punch! the old Cleveland steamer!
Mrs. Claus is too old, and she won't let me ream her!"
I sympathized with the old guy this was true;
But there were some things (and some guys) that I just wouldn't do.

"I'll help the old dude" said a voice from behind me,
He looked over my shoulder and said, "Thank-you kindly!"
So, who would I thank for last minute salvation?
Why young Scarlett Johansson (from Lost in Translation)

Santa was thrilled and he did a quick dance
With a gleam in his eye and a tent in his pants.
She dropped to her knees and she spit on her hand,
As she undid his belt something happened, unplanned.

At the touch of her fingers he moaned and he farted;
And Santa was finished before he had started.
And Scarlett was literally covered in goo;
Like a young blade of grass in the fresh morning dew.

But more like a birthday cake covered in frosting;
Poor Santa collapsed the whole thing quite exhausting.
Scarlett licked her full lips and she said, "it's quite chalky."
"It's lucky for you that I'm into bukkake."

Well, Santa got up and he brushed off his suit,
As she licked the last drops of his seed off his boot.
Then Santa said, "Sorry, I guess one thing's clear:
It's that Santa should come more than one time a year."

But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and buy a gift certificate at
www.tshirthell.com, tonight.

(Special thanks to Scarlett Johansson for agreeing to be in this
poem in return for promotional consideration.)

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Holly Jolly Hate Mail
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----- Original Message -----
From: Asian Person
Sent: Sunday, December 12, 2004 6:12 AM
Subject: Protest

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=364

Hi I am here to protest against this t-shirt...first of all
intelligence has nothing to do with dick size. Asians having small
dicks is a stereotype and is not necissarily true.... That goes along
with a lot of other stereotypes that aren't necissarily true...and
Asians aren't necissarily always smart either...another stereo type.
People need to study more about Asian Americans before doing this
kind of thing....if you can take off that picture it would be
great...thanks

(Editor's Note: We got a lot of hate mail about this shirt. This
surprised me, because I don't find it particularly offensive, and I'm Asian.
I was going to use one from a girl named Wang, because wang is another word
for penis, but I thought that was too easy. The letters seemed eerily
similar. One of them said they found our hats offensive? Hmmm could it be
that there was an organized protest going on? Had all of decent society
finally banded together to destroy me? I looked out my window and saw a mob
with torches! But that was just a coincidence. There's a torch store down
the block and I guess they were having a sale or something. Keep reading.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Same Asian Person
Sent: Sunday, December 12, 2004 6:02 AM
Subject: hi....

ok hi....I'm just here to say... the other e-mail I'm writing is for
a class in fact don't even bother reading it...cuz it might piss u off
I have to do it in order to get 5 extra test points...please understand..ok
later

(Editor's Note: Writing hate mail to T-Shirt Hell is worth 5 points of
extra credit at The University of Texas at Austin. (I wrote the t-shirt so
that's got to be worth at least 10.) How do I know this? Because in
addition to this idiot, some of the other idiots were such idiots, that they
cc'd their professor instead of bccing her. This must be the lamest
University in the world. Is this a real university or some kind of mail
order thing? I don't blame these kids for writing letters. I admire their
teacher who knew she couldn't count on their righteous indignation, and
decided to exploit this well known fact: Asians will do anything to get good
grades! (sometimes even a little sucky-sucky.) Nice going professor, way to
make a point about stereotypes.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: "Carrie"
Sent: Tuesday, December 07, 2004 1:18 PM
Subject: your company...

i was just sent the link to your website by another concerned citizen of the
world and i am disgusted by your t-shirt designs and the marketing photos
you use to advertise. it is unfortunate that you must resort to such
intensive homophobia, racism, misogyny (but wait, you might not know what
that word means), and xenophobia (oh, there's another) just to sell
t-shirts. i wonder if you are ashamed that your business rests on hatred
and ignorance? i wonder why i continue to be surprised at the closed minded
bigots of the world? i hope that someday soon you will realize the harm you
spread and the evil stereotypes that you propagate through what you may deem
as "comedy." for your sake, i hope you make changes and engage in a more
honorable business practice.

"injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
-dr. martin luther king, jr.

(Editor's Note: How am I supposed to be receptive to the suggestions of
someone who wants to start off by making fun of me by using big words which
they think I don't understand (and I don't understand because I'm severely
retarded.) Then after being nasty, they want to be all holier than though
by quoting Dr. King. I always prefer this other quote from my uncle, who
was also quite coincidentally named Dr. Martin Luther King, but was in fact,
a dentist. He used to say, "Fuck you, you dopey bitch!" We are not closed
minded bigots. We are very open minded bigots. And I'm glad that all of
the concerned citizens of the world have time to take on the number one
problem affecting our planet today: funny t-shirts.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Naras*** @ **l.com
Sent: Tuesday, December 07, 2004 12:13 PM
Subject: racists

Eat shit and die, you racist motherfuckers.

(Editor's Note: No, YOU eat shit and fucking die you ignorant mother fucker.
Eat your fucking mother's shit while mother fucking, and your mother should
eat shit, fucking too. She should eat my fucking shit. You fucking should
eat my shit. You should fucking die from fucking eating my shit. You
should fucking die fucking your fucking mother while fucking eating my
fucking shit and she should fucking die, too from your mother fucking
fucking. You fuck.)

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See you after the New Year. I guess Dick Clark couldn't wait for the stroke
of midnight this year, so he took the first one that was available.

Happy T-Shirt Hellidays from your mortal enemies at T-Shirt Hell.