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Thank Jewish God Hanukkah is finally over. I don't think I could've endured a ninth consecutive night of injecting heroin directly into my ovaries. I'm beginning to seriously question the validity of Rabbi Schneider's "Certified Rabbi" baseball cap.

Anyway, with that Jewish unpleasantness behind us, it's time to focus on Christmas. I hope you all behaved like good little consumers and rushed out to buy Zhu Zhu Pets the moment some dick on the local news said it's this season's "must-have" gift. I just hope next year's hot gift isn't "free will" or this country is fucked.

A few Gitmo detainees will be transferred to an Illinois prison. Looks like things are turning around for those guys. Going from a place where your head is dunked in water to a place where black men and Aryans will repeatedly sodomize and shank you... they might as well be going to the Hilton.

The Tiger Woods debacle keeps getting... debacleier? Anyway, this story won't go away. My advice to Tiger? Invade some country in the Middle East. You'll be amazed how quickly we lose interest. My actual advice to Tiger? Just give that whore half your shit and move on. Christ man, you'll still have half a billion dollars without the burden of fidelity crushing your soul.

Uganda recently banned female circumcision. While this is a big step forward for human rights in the region, I can't help but wonder what the Ugandans will use to keep making my necklaces.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced its latest inductees. This year's group includes Abba and Genesis. Fuck yeah! Throw up your devil horns! Christ, we are seriously running low on things to shoehorn into that Hall of Fame. Still, I'd like to offer advanced congratulations to next year's inductees: the Banana Splits and the shark Jimmy Page used to fuck that girl.


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