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Thank Jewish God Hanukkah is finally over. I don't think I could've endured a ninth consecutive night of injecting heroin directly into my ovaries. I'm beginning to seriously question the validity of Rabbi Schneider's "Certified Rabbi" baseball cap.

Anyway, with that Jewish unpleasantness behind us, it's time to focus on Christmas. I hope you all behaved like good little consumers and rushed out to buy Zhu Zhu Pets the moment some dick on the local news said it's this season's "must-have" gift. I just hope next year's hot gift isn't "free will" or this country is fucked.

A few Gitmo detainees will be transferred to an Illinois prison. Looks like things are turning around for those guys. Going from a place where your head is dunked in water to a place where black men and Aryans will repeatedly sodomize and shank you... they might as well be going to the Hilton.

The Tiger Woods debacle keeps getting... debacleier? Anyway, this story won't go away. My advice to Tiger? Invade some country in the Middle East. You'll be amazed how quickly we lose interest. My actual advice to Tiger? Just give that whore half your shit and move on. Christ man, you'll still have half a billion dollars without the burden of fidelity crushing your soul.

Uganda recently banned female circumcision. While this is a big step forward for human rights in the region, I can't help but wonder what the Ugandans will use to keep making my necklaces.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced its latest inductees. This year's group includes Abba and Genesis. Fuck yeah! Throw up your devil horns! Christ, we are seriously running low on things to shoehorn into that Hall of Fame. Still, I'd like to offer advanced congratulations to next year's inductees: the Banana Splits and the shark Jimmy Page used to fuck that girl.

Comments (13) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Shablap  12/21/09 11:12 pm
Tiger should have got that woman between that bumper and that tree.......

RichardCranium  12/22/09 8:45 pm
Dude, Tiger was like half conscious when he was trying to back out of that driveway. His only thought was saving his ass from that maniacal woman.

donbaritony  12/22/09 9:05 pm
Ummmm, Tiger woods in a sex scandal, then a hit-n-run? Next there will be video of him getting beat by the LAPD. Gotta love this shit.

Le Walker  12/23/09 12:39 am
I think it was an octopus.

Ass Hole Poop  12/23/09 1:31 am
Definitely a shark

Iman Azol  12/23/09 1:42 am
I'd fuck that redhead from Abba, even at 60 years old. Raaaaooooowrr. GILF.

Geezy  12/23/09 2:00 am
LOL .. t-shirt hell copied me [not rly].. i had that jew [at the top of the newletter] giving the devil / rock on symbol as my RevolutionTT account avatar last week.

joker  12/23/09 10:49 am
let the tiger roam around the bush's for awhile he's been caged too long

joker  12/23/09 11:02 am
yeah i sleep better knowing that some fat ass wants to leave a large red load under my tree and by the fire place i leave some warm milk so he can have the shits all night long/along with sugar to help it along/all the time smelling the farts from his raindear ass's

jscowell  12/23/09 2:01 pm
ABBA, really? WTF is this world coming to? The end is at hand.

V.W.P.  12/23/09 3:10 pm
Sorry about your necklaces Sunshine, If it helps I could send you some of the bracelets I make from the severed, stretched out lips of the african tribesmen I hunt for sport.

C-Monster  12/24/09 10:52 am
"LOL .. t-shirt hell copied me [not rly].. i had that jew [at the top of the newletter] giving the devil / rock on symbol as my RevolutionTT account avatar last week."

Don't worry one of these days you'll be able to have an extended conversation with a woman without your moms credit card being involved.

Adam  12/24/09 5:29 pm
They're always trying to keep our black friends down. If it was Mike Weir I bet nobody would give a shit. A white guy would get high fives.

long division


picture 1

Christmas is here and that can mean only one thing: and while I have no idea what that one thing is, I'm sure it's a huge load. But whatever it means, I thought now would be a good time to share with you the story of how it all began. Christianity is so pervasive in our society that even the staunchest atheist and most indifferent agnostic think they know the story, but you've been sold a lie. Here, the TRUE story of the first Christmas.

Long ago in the town of Nazareth, there lived a girl named Mary who was engaged to a man named Joseph. One day a man named Gabriel, clearly in the midst of an opium-induced freak-out, broke into Mary's room and nervously muttered something about Mary having a "God-baby" and how she must name it "Jesus" so Gabriel would be forced to give his penis a new name. Mary sat in stunned silence, wondering why this man had ripped the wings off a goose and nailed them to his back.

pic 2Soon after Gabriel's visit, it became obvious Mary was pregnant. Mary explained to Joseph this must be the "God-baby" the "winged man" told her about. Joseph quickly agreed and convinced Mary her unexplained black-outs and vaginal bruises were nothing to be concerned with. They were quickly married and Joseph told Mary they must head for Bethlehem immediately to pay a "special tax." When Mary asked about this special tax, Joseph responded, "Just get on the damn donkey."

At last they reached Bethlehem. After being turned away from several inns, it dawned on Joseph that others were not sympathetic to his plight. There was simply no way this many inns became "full" every time Joseph asked the innkeeper to "take care of this thing for me." But eventually a kind innkeeper told Joseph, "Yeah, I can do that. Just wait out back next to the goats."

picture 1

Upon seeing Mary, it became obvious to the innkeeper that Joseph had misled him about the state of Mary's condition. He reneged on the deal and told Joseph to "do what you gotta do" in the stable and that the fee for his discretion would be "the same as for the other thing." Joseph tried to handle it but was constantly interrupted by curious passers-by. It was too late. The baby Jesus was born.

Meanwhile, on a hill overlooking Bethlehem, some shepherds watched their sheep. Suddenly, a man on fire appeared on a hill above them. Suffering unimaginable pain, the man shouted "STRANGE SMELL FROM COD! TODD'S SON HAS BEAN-CORN AND BETH THE HAM!" The shepherds heard something different and, with nothing else to do, headed to Bethlehem to see what that was about.

Once there, the shepherds searched for the Son of God. They tried to start the search in a tavern, but were stunned to see a baby lying in a pile of straw and animal waste. Deciding one baby is as good as another, they knelt down to worship him. Mary asked if the "winged man" spoke to them too. The shepherds exchanged glances before one responded "Um, I only noticed the glowing, but now that you mention it, he DID have wings." Joseph was weirded out, but decided to run with it.

your momIn the East, Wise Men saw a new star in the sky. They had no idea what this meant. And since Wise Men must appear wise, one of them, while the others weren't looking, grabbed a scroll and jotted down that this meant a new ruler had been born. The others wondered how they had never before seen this text on their only scroll, but didn't want to look foolish by questioning a Wise Man.

The Wise Men set off to find this baby. They followed the star to Bethlehem. Stars are in space and can, for all intents and purposes, lead you to any location, but Bethlehem was here and they were tired. Later, while relieving themselves outside a stable, they heard Jesus cry. Appalled by the sight of a mother so young, they left the child everything they had, which included a small amount of gold and a couple sacks of gum resin they regrettably traded a camel for.

These men, angry with Joseph, waited for his return. Joseph pulled the men aside and explained. The Wise Men, while outraged at the idea that anyone would attempt to justify impregnating a young girl, decided it was better for her and the baby to live the lie. They assured Joseph his secret was safe, but did ask if they could use his tale for "this book of silly stories we're writing."

And that's why there's a tree in your living room and you annually put your kid on a fat stranger's lap. Merry Arbitrarily Chosen 24 Hours, everybody!

Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment

slowsocipath  12/21/09 8:53 pm
makes as much fucking sense as the shit they try to make you believe

c.m. veno-thompson  12/22/09 11:38 am
great story. laughed till i cried. happy-happy.

psychochet  12/22/09 11:57 am
wtg on jesus story. laughed till i cried.

donbaritony  12/22/09 9:12 pm
So... did anyone else wonder what happened to the goat?

Nonny Amos  12/23/09 1:42 am
As a Christian, I'd be offended horribly by this filth and sacrilege. Thank Xenu for Sciency-loogie.

Iman Azol  12/23/09 1:46 am
Mary was only a virgin if you don't count anal.

COCKASAURUS REX  12/23/09 9:51 am

Santa Jiggles  12/23/09 10:31 am
I like ABBA - they didn't even understand the words they were singing - it's all phoneitcs nowadays, boys!

joker  12/23/09 11:06 am
i'll go with this story it fits with the time's

V.W.P.  12/23/09 3:35 pm
I'm not sure if that's the way my priest use to tell it... but then again I mostly just remember him saying over and over, "You can't tell your parents about our special time or god will punish you"!

Black Dog  12/23/09 3:36 pm
OMG! That is the best christmas story ever! I think I wet myself, but I too must ask ... what happened to the goat?

Sonictank  12/23/09 6:55 pm
"Merry Arbitrarily Chosen 24 Hours." Perfect. As for the rest of the story, you forgot to mention that the baby was black, which would help tie together the 'winged man on opium raping a young girl' concept.

hoggerpig  12/24/09 10:08 am
Fucking Hilarious. Keep it coming!!

anotherpatriot  12/24/09 4:30 pm
Holy shit! It kind of makes me feel bad to think that is funny but it was funny as hell. If there is a " Hell" ....someone has sure found a one-way ticket straight there.....LOL Wow...

Adam  12/24/09 5:34 pm
This will surprise anyone who reads it.... here is how Christmas really began. It's not likely what you think.

Halo  12/26/09 1:01 pm
Actually there is a tree in my house because pagans used to like to start forest fires(ok they still do but that's not the point) You got the rest of it right.Good job.


-----Original Message-----

From: Pat M.

Good afternoon, all at T-Shirt Hell

Many thanks for the t-shirt which has just arrived safely. Your efficiency is much appreciated but, I'm afraid, the language on the receipt was not. I know you are attempting to cultivate a rebellious and hard-core image but by now in England such profanity is not shocking - just unpleasantly puerile and rather tiresome. Nonetheless, a great T-shirt, thanks.

Sincerely yours

Pat M.

9/11 was an inside job...

Editor's Note: Sod off, ya bloody wanka! Man, that feels benign to the point of being complimentary. Let me "American" that up for you. Go suck the embalming fluid out of your dead grandfather's anus so you can wash the taste of many cocks out of your mouth. And before you call that response "puerile" let me tell you where I got that line: none other than Sir Oscar Wilde.

Anyway, you couldn't be more wrong about us. Five years ago we were trying to be rebellious and hard-core. Now we're just too lazy to change the receipt. Besides, coarse language becoming tiresome is a good thing. The fact that people are no longer shocked by "fucking" is a sign we may be growing up as a society. And you have companies like us to thank for that. So, you're fucking welcome you goddamn cockswabber.

Just out of curiosity, which really high-brow shirt did you buy from us? Was it the one with Pez dispensers making out or the one with Han Solo getting an HJ? Whichever one it was, I'm sure you appreciate it on a much deeper level than us Yanks. Now go enjoy the sophisticated humour you're famous for. [Cue hot lady chasing old man to zany music and guys in dresses talking about Spam]

Comments (5) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Iman Azol  12/23/09 1:47 am
Don't forget the playdoh guy and his dog chasing ugly women and sheep.

joker  12/23/09 11:08 am
i'm never shocked by fucking unless it's kinky

Black Dog  12/23/09 3:42 pm
Okay, Okay! Now I am offended. I don't remember any unpleasantly puerile and rather tiresome profanity on my receipt. I want some fucking profanity and fucking want it now!!

Adam  12/24/09 5:36 pm

Ryan  12/30/09 4:51 pm
the only thing gayer than a brits humor is his faggy accent

joy division

-----Original Message-----

haFrom: Shuster

Funny how all your holiday shirts were about Christmas. Just one lame joke about Kwanza and a dreidel joke that doesn't mention anything about Chanukah or the Jews. Try spreading around the insults you fucking pussys.

Editor's Note: Don't be so puerile, you fucking tool. But seriously, we see this criticism about our insults being heavily one-sided from time to time and the defense people usually offer on our behalf is to cite a shirt we've made that targets topic x. The thing that neither the haters nor the fans seem to understand is that you only insult what is worth insulting.

Christmas, for example, is a hugely popular event that is part of our social fabric and warrants countless references and products. Whereas if we offered several Hanukkah tees people would be like 'What the fuck is a "Hanukkah"? Why not make shirts about Kabbledy Pootz while you're at it?'

So instead of berating us for not "spreading around the insults," try taking it as the compliment that it truly is. An abundance of abuse at least shows people care enough to attempt to upset you. So the biggest insult to people who celebrate Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be to completely ignore them, which we have largely done.

This is where Hitler got it wrong. If he had any brains he would've just snubbed the Jews instead of trying to wipe out millions and millions of people. That's what we've done in America and now we don't have any Jews. Yeah, we've got Jews, but they're not "Jew" Jews. We totally ignored them and now they're so assimilated they might as well be Christians. So let this be a lesson to any potential ethnic cleansers out there: Indifference is the new genocide.

Comments (13) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Matt Wilson  12/22/09 10:44 am
I read your thing because it's funny. This time you surprised me by being funny and deep. Knock that shit off.

Rob  12/22/09 4:11 pm
lolz +1

showmeonthedollywherethebadmantouchedyou  12/22/09 5:09 pm

blink my spanky  12/22/09 9:35 pm
It's just like Macs. Asshole Mac users think they have no viruses because they're so secure. They have no viruses because they're fucking marginalized and no one gives enough of a shit about them to waste the time writing a virus.

Ass Hole Poop  12/23/09 1:42 am
No one cares about Macs vs. PCs you fucking nerd

Iman Azol  12/23/09 1:50 am
Yeah, thanks for that, Spanky. Now go spank.

However, if the worst insult is just to ignore someone, why do you have those 0bama shirts, you liberal tools?

Nonny Amos  12/23/09 1:57 am
Obviously YOU did enough to rebut him you asshole poop
Faggotry Flame War!

joker  12/23/09 11:14 am
jew-tians? we have jew-tains?

Tura  12/24/09 6:34 am
Can someone tell me what the fuck is Kwanzaa? Who celebrates it? The satanists? Voodooists? Atheists? How? Eat a pine and decorate pigs?

C-Monster  12/24/09 11:23 am
Je-tians rolls off the tongue better or you can just be christ-ish....

"I wanted faster and more untraceable downloads,
I'm a pedophile and windows 7 was my idea"

Schmikey  01/06/10 11:35 pm
"Indifference is the new genocide." Where the hell is the Nobel committee on this!?!

Yuggib  01/07/10 11:34 am
How dare you ins ult my holiday, Kabbledy Pootz! You'll be hearing from my PC lawyer, real soon.

michael gründler  01/14/10 10:31 am
super geil

division of labor

ha-----Original Message-----

From: Edna H.


Editor's Note: Money. Nailed it! And I didn't even need the full ten seconds.

On second thought, that question can't be answered honestly. It's not a question of which is more important; you should've asked me which one I think is important and which one doesn't exist. I guess it is a bit of a time-saver to refer to swirling chemicals and firing synapses as a "soul," but time isn't valuable enough to me to risk sounding that stupid.

Wait... I don't see any mention of T-shirts in this email. Did you send this to us intentionally or were you trying to contact someone who makes erotic cakes or fake vomit? Oh, never mind. No matter what this is regarding it'll make me depressed. Just knowing that in this day and age there are still people who (gulp) care about things... Entire bottle of Vicodin, do your stuff.

Comments (9) - View Comments - Add A Comment

BiLLiE-b0b  12/22/09 9:00 am

bugsike  12/22/09 10:48 pm
The horny chick is hot

Iman Azol  12/23/09 1:53 am
Edna: 1/2" to the left. Caps lock. Thank you.

Remember that Mary wouldn't have gotten pregnant if she'd remembered to swallow.

Incidentally, forget about heaven. I sold your soul for two Tootsie Pops and a blowjob from an Elvis impersonator.

Beefheart  12/23/09 10:09 am
Blaha hahahaha. Stupid Christians. Funny you come on a brilliant site, that sells "classsy" apperal and try to bash thme for not being good with god. News flash, God is not real. Sorry. Try doing some research outside of the Bible. Not to mention the site is called T-shirt "HELL" wonder if the creators care about enternal damnation. Doubt it. Keep doing what you do T-shirt hell, and ill keep buyin your shit!!

joker  12/23/09 11:18 am
she just got damned for judging

Mad4Maxx  12/23/09 6:31 pm
How can you be suprised that a website with Hell in the title contains blasphemy? Also, if you want to judge others, thats fine. Just don't start off by saying you don't want to judge others. This kind of attitude is why people don't like christians.

Adam  12/24/09 5:41 pm
The Christians almost got me not long ago, with the whole NWO and illuminati truth... there are some lies too but I don't know what to believe, a lot of people say just believe what's in the bible (so much of it is coming true) and others say the New Testament is a scam. I agree... Christ was a con artist. God can make a universe in six days, but he cant' get a book right the first time? Come on. Which brings me back to my fear of the Old Testament... nuts.

my name starts with R!  12/26/09 1:24 pm
Blasphemy is a victimless crime!

Kurgan  12/28/09 1:31 pm
Dear Edna,
I find your belief in "Sky Daddy" very erotic. I want to stick you in the pooper and whisper sweet blasphemy in your ear.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

haFrom: Lynn Derks B.

I assume many people are bothered by the swear words and messages on your shirts, and rightfully so, but I'm more concerned with the images. At least very young children can't read many of your shirts, but the pictures will definitely resonate.

For example, the f-word and a joke about a "whore" will mean nothing to a 2 year old who can't read. But violent or pornographic images make an immediate impression. A toddler will notice right away a drawing of a tiger eating a child or a woman with her hand down a man's pants. I think it is the height of irresponsibility.

Editor's Note: On one level you are completely right. But on another level, shut up you stupid bitch.

We're busted. Yes, some of the images on our shirts might upset children, but that's kind of the point. You see, while it is enormously satisfying to offend adults, it is also incredibly easy. All we have to do is slap "COCK" on a shirt and a gaggle of puritanical prudes will deuce in their chastity belts and faint.

So every once in a while, if only to challenge ourselves, we actually put a little effort into an image that will scare or upset a child. Of course, it is impossible to "offend" a child in the traditional sense of the word because youngsters haven't yet developed a bullshit sense of morality. But if we can inspire one shriek or sleepless night for a tyke, it was all worth it. Nighty night, kids. Life gets much much worse.

Comments (15) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Shablap  12/21/09 11:53 pm
Do you wear a shirt with a picture of a hose bag when your kids are around? Maybe one one with a broken condom.... Ha

Simple Siren  12/22/09 10:58 am
You said deuce in their chastity belts? Hahahahaha OMG that was funny. How DO you stay so shockingly funny. It's a damn mystery!!

Lord God King BuFu  12/22/09 8:14 pm
Bravo to the writer of this letter! Although I must gently rebuke her for not pointing out that not only Children, but also retards and illiterates are effected by the images and not the words...

DK  12/22/09 10:07 pm
Wait *wikis pornography*.... *looks through gallery*. I am at a loss on this person's logic. on top of that I thought it was the freedom of speech not the freedom to put things on shirts as long as children are not "immediate[ly] impression[ed]". So fuck you Mr. Derks you are what is wrong with this country, people that treat those under a certain age special because life has not fucked them too hard YET.

Jackie  12/23/09 12:41 am
I've found kids tend not to remember that much shit from their childhood, unless their parents threw a huge fit over it.

So actually this mom is causing her child grief and upset, by bringing his attention to things that would've most likely otherwise never been recognized on their radar.

As far as the image of the tiger eating a child, I saw the movie Little Shop of Horrors when I was 10. The idea of the plant eating people, didn't really bother me, I figured it was fake. I guess my point is, if you act as if what is fake somehow impacts reality, your fucking up your child for life.

They'll forever be one of those adult-children, who can't handle any reality that involves being upset, or being upset in generally cause their mom coddled them as a child, and convinced them that if someone is wearing a damn shirt with a tiger eating a child, that means that person in essence is a child cannibal.

Just let your kid have a childhood and sort this stuff out on his own, instead of terrifying the hell out of him about nothing. I think this is what people mean by helicopter parents, she's going to retard her child by convincing him that everything is to be feared.

Oh, and if you don't want your child ever to be exposed to anything negative, keep them at home. It's irresponsible to blame others for your lack of ability to reason as a parent. Your probably one of those morons who believes, "It takes a village" means the village has to at all times behave like the parent of small children, so when you get lazy you can hock your child off to someone else to take care of. Well if that person is a pedophile, at least thanks to the fine shirts at T-Shirt Hell, he'll understand what's happening when he's putting his hands down your son's pants.

Plain Angry  12/23/09 1:03 am
Tiger eats child? No shit! So cover their eyes when those shirts are around, but let them watch burned, shot, mutilated, tortured Iraqis, Avganis, Serbs etc... Oh, I forgot, latter builds patriotism and a sense of loyalty to luying, cheating, stealing but proud America!
Fuckoff bitch!

Douchebag  12/23/09 1:56 am
Plain Angry: Give it a rest, phaggot. Now go wank to George Michaels.

I agree it's dreadful small children can get the images but not the words. That's why my son's second phrase ("daddy's hung like a buffalo" was first) was "Lynn Derks can go fuck a hippie."

Nonny Amos  12/23/09 2:02 am
This post above me is the epitome of Reverse Trolling
Epic Motherfucking Win

Griffin  12/23/09 4:14 am
Man, if all her kids have to worry about is offensive shirts, they are pretty fucking lucky.

Remember kids! One in four of you will be raped or molested before 18! Sweet dreams.


joker  12/23/09 11:23 am
lynn should turn off the tv/radio/cell phn/x box/ps 3/psp/ anything like life so her brood will be safe from the ravages of hell

Black Dog  12/23/09 4:12 pm
Stupid Bitch! If you are so afraid that the little ones will be traumatized by a simple t-shirt... keep them in the closet where they belong! Grow up Its a fucking picture! Unless the pic is forced up the kid's ass, then down his throat, he probably won't pay much attention to it.

Kurgan  12/28/09 1:36 pm
Dear Lynn,
Please feed your children to the tigers, so that they may be spared the herpes-sore infested throat fuck that is your puritanical belief system. Then kill yourself. Twice.

bean  12/28/09 5:33 pm
your kids can't read, but you let them surf a site with "hell" right in the title? expert parenting right there. and if something you find online bothers you, that little red "x" in the top corner can fix it for you. now SHUT THE FUCK UP and find something to bitch about that matters.

dragonflygoddess82  02/04/10 1:03 am
so many people come on here and talk about what these shirts do to children. i buy my child shirts from this site. well, i used to. fuck deadbeat dads who don't pay child support so i can buy my kid fucked up shirts. ne way, if they were really concerned about how that child was raised they would be raising them and not bashing websites that they probably are to stupid to understand.

Caroline  02/20/10 12:17 pm
I personally think it is better to have a shirt with a tiger eating a child than a shirt with a tiger cuddling a child. Because one is not only the truth of what would happen in real life, but also because all of these kid shows with giant dangerous animals are the reason American's jump into cages with pandas.
Thank you conservatives for once again making America the laughing stock of not only the developed world but the developing world.

joy division

[Take Two of These and Die]

Variety is the spice of life. Still, I'd never fuck an Arab.