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Thank Jewish God Hanukkah is finally over. I don't think I could've endured a ninth consecutive night of injecting heroin directly into my ovaries. I'm beginning to seriously question the validity of Rabbi Schneider's "Certified Rabbi" baseball cap.
Anyway, with that Jewish unpleasantness behind us, it's time to focus on Christmas. I hope you all behaved like good little consumers and rushed out to buy Zhu Zhu Pets the moment some dick on the local news said it's this season's "must-have" gift. I just hope next year's hot gift isn't "free will" or this country is fucked.
A few Gitmo detainees will be transferred to an Illinois prison. Looks like things are turning around for those guys. Going from a place where your head is dunked in water to a place where black men and Aryans will repeatedly sodomize and shank you... they might as well be going to the Hilton.
The Tiger Woods debacle keeps getting... debacleier? Anyway, this story won't go away. My advice to Tiger? Invade some country in the Middle East. You'll be amazed how quickly we lose interest. My actual advice to Tiger? Just give that whore half your shit and move on. Christ man, you'll still have half a billion dollars without the burden of fidelity crushing your soul.
Uganda recently banned female circumcision. While this is a big step forward for human rights in the region, I can't help but wonder what the Ugandans will use to keep making my necklaces.
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced its latest inductees. This year's group includes Abba and Genesis. Fuck yeah! Throw up your devil horns! Christ, we are seriously running low on things to shoehorn into that Hall of Fame. Still, I'd like to offer advanced congratulations to next year's inductees: the Banana Splits and the shark Jimmy Page used to fuck that girl. |
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Christmas is here and that can mean only one thing: and while I have no idea what that one thing is, I'm sure it's a huge load. But whatever it means, I thought now would be a good time to share with you the story of how it all began. Christianity is so pervasive in our society that even the staunchest atheist and most indifferent agnostic think they know the story, but you've been sold a lie. Here, the TRUE story of the first Christmas.
Long ago in the town of Nazareth, there lived a girl named Mary who was engaged to a man named Joseph. One day a man named Gabriel, clearly in the midst of an opium-induced freak-out, broke into Mary's room and nervously muttered something about Mary having a "God-baby" and how she must name it "Jesus" so Gabriel would be forced to give his penis a new name. Mary sat in stunned silence, wondering why this man had ripped the wings off a goose and nailed them to his back.
 Soon after Gabriel's visit, it became obvious Mary was pregnant. Mary explained to Joseph this must be the "God-baby" the "winged man" told her about. Joseph quickly agreed and convinced Mary her unexplained black-outs and vaginal bruises were nothing to be concerned with. They were quickly married and Joseph told Mary they must head for Bethlehem immediately to pay a "special tax." When Mary asked about this special tax, Joseph responded, "Just get on the damn donkey."
At last they reached Bethlehem. After being turned away from several inns, it dawned on Joseph that others were not sympathetic to his plight. There was simply no way this many inns became "full" every time Joseph asked the innkeeper to "take care of this thing for me." But eventually a kind innkeeper told Joseph, "Yeah, I can do that. Just wait out back next to the goats."
Upon seeing Mary, it became obvious to the innkeeper that Joseph had misled him about the state of Mary's condition. He reneged on the deal and told Joseph to "do what you gotta do" in the stable and that the fee for his discretion would be "the same as for the other thing." Joseph tried to handle it but was constantly interrupted by curious passers-by. It was too late. The baby Jesus was born.
Meanwhile, on a hill overlooking Bethlehem, some shepherds watched their sheep. Suddenly, a man on fire appeared on a hill above them. Suffering unimaginable pain, the man shouted "STRANGE SMELL FROM COD! TODD'S SON HAS BEAN-CORN AND BETH THE HAM!" The shepherds heard something different and, with nothing else to do, headed to Bethlehem to see what that was about.
Once there, the shepherds searched for the Son of God. They tried to start the search in a tavern, but were stunned to see a baby lying in a pile of straw and animal waste. Deciding one baby is as good as another, they knelt down to worship him. Mary asked if the "winged man" spoke to them too. The shepherds exchanged glances before one responded "Um, I only noticed the glowing, but now that you mention it, he DID have wings." Joseph was weirded out, but decided to run with it.
 In the East, Wise Men saw a new star in the sky. They had no idea what this meant. And since Wise Men must appear wise, one of them, while the others weren't looking, grabbed a scroll and jotted down that this meant a new ruler had been born. The others wondered how they had never before seen this text on their only scroll, but didn't want to look foolish by questioning a Wise Man.
The Wise Men set off to find this baby. They followed the star to Bethlehem. Stars are in space and can, for all intents and purposes, lead you to any location, but Bethlehem was here and they were tired. Later, while relieving themselves outside a stable, they heard Jesus cry. Appalled by the sight of a mother so young, they left the child everything they had, which included a small amount of gold and a couple sacks of gum resin they regrettably traded a camel for.
These men, angry with Joseph, waited for his return. Joseph pulled the men aside and explained. The Wise Men, while outraged at the idea that anyone would attempt to justify impregnating a young girl, decided it was better for her and the baby to live the lie. They assured Joseph his secret was safe, but did ask if they could use his tale for "this book of silly stories we're writing."
And that's why there's a tree in your living room and you annually put your kid on a fat stranger's lap. Merry Arbitrarily Chosen 24 Hours, everybody!
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-----Original Message-----
From: Pat M.
Good afternoon, all at T-Shirt Hell
Many thanks for the t-shirt which has just arrived safely. Your efficiency is much appreciated but, I'm afraid, the language on the receipt was not. I know you are attempting to cultivate a rebellious and hard-core image but by now in England such profanity is not shocking - just unpleasantly puerile and rather tiresome. Nonetheless, a great T-shirt, thanks.
Sincerely yours
Pat M.
Editor's Note: Sod off, ya bloody wanka! Man, that feels benign to the point of being complimentary. Let me "American" that up for you. Go suck the embalming fluid out of your dead grandfather's anus so you can wash the taste of many cocks out of your mouth. And before you call that response "puerile" let me tell you where I got that line: none other than Sir Oscar Wilde.
Anyway, you couldn't be more wrong about us. Five years ago we were trying to be rebellious and hard-core. Now we're just too lazy to change the receipt. Besides, coarse language becoming tiresome is a good thing. The fact that people are no longer shocked by "fucking" is a sign we may be growing up as a society. And you have companies like us to thank for that. So, you're fucking welcome you goddamn cockswabber.
Just out of curiosity, which really high-brow shirt did you buy from us? Was it the one with Pez dispensers making out or the one with Han Solo getting an HJ? Whichever one it was, I'm sure you appreciate it on a much deeper level than us Yanks. Now go enjoy the sophisticated humour you're famous for. [Cue hot lady chasing old man to zany music and guys in dresses talking about Spam]
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-----Original Message-----
 From: Shuster
Funny how all your holiday shirts were about Christmas. Just one lame joke about Kwanza and a dreidel joke that doesn't mention anything about Chanukah or the Jews. Try spreading around the insults you fucking pussys.
Editor's Note: Don't be so puerile, you fucking tool. But seriously, we see this criticism about our insults being heavily one-sided from time to time and the defense people usually offer on our behalf is to cite a shirt we've made that targets topic x. The thing that neither the haters nor the fans seem to understand is that you only insult what is worth insulting.
Christmas, for example, is a hugely popular event that is part of our social fabric and warrants countless references and products. Whereas if we offered several Hanukkah tees people would be like 'What the fuck is a "Hanukkah"? Why not make shirts about Kabbledy Pootz while you're at it?'
So instead of berating us for not "spreading around the insults," try taking it as the compliment that it truly is. An abundance of abuse at least shows people care enough to attempt to upset you. So the biggest insult to people who celebrate Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be to completely ignore them, which we have largely done.
This is where Hitler got it wrong. If he had any brains he would've just snubbed the Jews instead of trying to wipe out millions and millions of people. That's what we've done in America and now we don't have any Jews. Yeah, we've got Jews, but they're not "Jew" Jews. We totally ignored them and now they're so assimilated they might as well be Christians. So let this be a lesson to any potential ethnic cleansers out there: Indifference is the new genocide.
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 -----Original Message-----
From: Edna H.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THE BLASPHEMY ON THIS SITE!!! I DON'T WISH TO JUDGE YOU BUT IF YOU DO NOT PUT THIS FOOLISHNESS BEHIND YOU YOU WILL CERTAINLY BE DAMNED!!! AFTER ALL -- WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT? MONEY OR YOUR ETERNAL SOUL!!!???
Editor's Note: Money. Nailed it! And I didn't even need the full ten seconds.
On second thought, that question can't be answered honestly. It's not a question of which is more important; you should've asked me which one I think is important and which one doesn't exist. I guess it is a bit of a time-saver to refer to swirling chemicals and firing synapses as a "soul," but time isn't valuable enough to me to risk sounding that stupid.
Wait... I don't see any mention of T-shirts in this email. Did you send this to us intentionally or were you trying to contact someone who makes erotic cakes or fake vomit? Oh, never mind. No matter what this is regarding it'll make me depressed. Just knowing that in this day and age there are still people who (gulp) care about things... Entire bottle of Vicodin, do your stuff.
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-----Original Submission-----
 From: Lynn Derks B.
I assume many people are bothered by the swear words and messages on your shirts, and rightfully so, but I'm more concerned with the images. At least very young children can't read many of your shirts, but the pictures will definitely resonate.
For example, the f-word and a joke about a "whore" will mean nothing to a 2 year old who can't read. But violent or pornographic images make an immediate impression. A toddler will notice right away a drawing of a tiger eating a child or a woman with her hand down a man's pants. I think it is the height of irresponsibility.
Editor's Note: On one level you are completely right. But on another level, shut up you stupid bitch.
We're busted. Yes, some of the images on our shirts might upset children, but that's kind of the point. You see, while it is enormously satisfying to offend adults, it is also incredibly easy. All we have to do is slap "COCK" on a shirt and a gaggle of puritanical prudes will deuce in their chastity belts and faint.
So every once in a while, if only to challenge ourselves, we actually put a little effort into an image that will scare or upset a child. Of course, it is impossible to "offend" a child in the traditional sense of the word because youngsters haven't yet developed a bullshit sense of morality. But if we can inspire one shriek or sleepless night for a tyke, it was all worth it. Nighty night, kids. Life gets much much worse.
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[Take Two of These and Die]
Variety is the spice of life. Still, I'd never fuck an Arab.
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