Take note, Paul. When posing multiple choice questions, at least one choice should be the correct answer. Here's how it should have looked.

Where will you spend eternity?

A) Heaven

B) Hell

C) Rotting in the ground until, an incalculable amount of time from now, a massive asteroid strikes this planet, transforming Earth into dust. The matter from which you were once composed will float freely about this galaxy. From there, your guess is as good as mine.

Wait... Were you talking about my "soul"? Silly me, I thought I was responding to someone who had made a simple mistake in the phrasing of his question; not someone who had dedicated his entire existence to making one lifelong mistake.

This misspelled "Judgement" you speak of sounds interesting. I don't suppose you have any video of this event you could show me so I know what to prepare for? You don't? How about pictures? Audio? Any tangible evidence whatsoever? What? Oh, I see. It's true because you believe it.

Well, I hate to do this to you, but I believe you're a fag who spends his evenings seeing how many inches of cock he can get down his throat. I believe this as strongly as anything can be believed, and that makes it true. Plus, it's written down. And if that's true... Hey! What kind of Christian are you! Spending five hours a night shoving throbbing, veiny cocks down your throat... For shame.

Okay, I've wasted enough time on this douche. At least I never have to hear from him again.

Well fuck. Apparently Paul's skull contains more brain-gimp than can be removed in one drainage session, because we received this less than 15 minutes after his initial "Declaration of Douche-dom." Since he basically repeated what he said in his first message, I'll avoid responding to him again. Instead, allow me to respond to this "Jesus" Paul mentioned.

Jesus, why are you such a dick? Are you seriously going to condemn doctors, philanthropists and jugglers to an eternity of getting disemboweled while listening to southern rap if they don't believe something they've never seen manifested a space-cock and squirted it into a 13-year-old?

And how about me? Does my suffering need to equal that of Hitler or Lawrence Welk just because I don't care that some random guy got whipped and nailed to a cross? Get the fuck over yourself. Billions of people have suffered since then, and it often lasted a hell of a lot longer than two or three days, you fucking pussy.

Meanwhile, twats like Paul get to fill children and child-minded adults with fear and guilt only to be rewarded with blowjobs from angels made of nothing but tits, mouths and vaginas for all eternity. All because they accept Jesus into their hearts. And by "accept Jesus into their hearts" I mean "take 30 seconds to get dipped in water, then remain a tool who has no positive impact on anyone's life."

Man, that Jesus... What an ego on that fucker. Provide food and shelter to everyone on the planet and it's all for naught if you forgot to say "That was for Jesus." Who the fuck voted this asshole into power? Oh, right. Choosing a deity isn't a democratic process. Damn these dictatorships!

"Innocent" children? Don't make me laugh. My bong and a DVR full of news stories about ethnic cleansing are already taking care of that. Were you referring to the "innocent" children who ruin my night every time I want to see a movie, eat in a nice restaurant or go dumpster diving?

Or were you referring to those specific children? If so, it may surprise you to learn the children who appear on that shirt are serial rapists. And I don't mean the run-of-the-mill rape that gives women a cute anecdote to share with their girlfriends; I mean truly revolting acts of depravity that would make Satan weep for humanity.

The purpose of that shirt was to, through humor, get their faces out there so no female need ever again fear enduring the atrocities suffered by my neighbor. Or, as she is now known, "the one-armed woman with a 36-inch vagina." Hopefully that shirt raises public awareness and we can put those sick fucks away forever. Oh, but not before Molly gets hers. C'mon, you saw what she wrote. How can you not think she deserves it?

Only in this overly PC world of ours could a shirt that makes absolutely no mention of race be construed as racist. Who among us doesn't love watermelon and fried chicken? You call "racist" what was actually our attempt to unite a deeply wounded and cynical nation under a banner of delicious treats loved by all.

The only thing more universally accepted than the deliciousness of fried chicken and watermelon is our inherent, yet far too often manipulated and drowned out, desire for peace and harmony. So please join us as we celebrate our love of what may be a simple snack, but is symbolically so much more. Let the healing begin.

But yeah, it's racist.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch. And even then, get a DNA test.