T-Shirt Hell going out of business? Really? Because of some hate mail? Are you fucking kidding me?
To all the haters who were glad to see us go and really thought I was closing down because of a few angry e-mails; good one, suckers. To all the people who called me a pussy and who really believed I would cave in to the retarded masses, like a little baby, you can EAT MY SMELLY VAGINA.
Do you really think I would hang it all up because of hate mail? Give me a break...the site is called T-Shirt Hell. I guess I should have named it 'T-Shirt Cunt Rape Faggot Nigger', so less of you fuckers would have taken the bait.
Why in the world would I shut down a website that brings so much satisfaction to people who actually have a sense of humor? To customers who can't stand this ever-expanding, politically correct asylum we are imprisoned in? To women and children and men and farm animals who not only love what we do, but who cherish the fact that we CAN do it? Yes, we can. Fuck you if you can't take a joke.
I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - "FUCK YOU IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!" Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad! You've got to say, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to put up with these overly sensitive morons who can't take a joke anymore". Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the assholes who look at you funny. But first get up out of your chairs, stand up in your cubicles, put down your bongs, zip up your pants and yell, '"FUCK YOU IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!"
T-Shirt Hell is not going out of business. In fact, we wouldn't leave even if we had to resort to selling dead babies for food when this economy truly hits the fan. Consider Feb, 2009 a fresh start for us. We're going to be bigger, better and more fucked up than before. Worse Than Hell is back. The black lady who writes the most intellectually (anally) stimulating newsletter on the net is back. We're fucking back. But oh...wait...we never actually left.
And just so I make this clear. I haven't decided to keep T-Shirt Hell going because of the tens of thousands of supportive emails we received or because of the press and sales we generated over the last 3 weeks (nearly 100,000 shirts sold). We were never...ever...leaving in the first place. Let's just call it tough love. Sometimes you need to kick your loved ones in the assholes to get them to satisfy their need for awesome t-shirts (and to fill my bank account). I know a lot of our fans are stingy motherfuckers and need to be "inspired" to get off their fat asses to spend money in ways that truly enhance lives and bring joy to the world. Well, that's what I did.
Let's call it my own personal stimulus package (besides my normal, daily "personal stimulus" if you know what I'm sayin). In 3 weeks, I've done EXACTLY what is needed to stimulate any economy..and that is to get people to open their wallets. Not only did the last 3 weeks save jobs at T-Shirt Hell, they've opened up a whole new world to the people who had never bought our shirts until now.
Did you know that 9 out of 10 people who wear T-Shirt Hell shirts actually increase their job security, with 6 of those people getting substantial raises? Did you realize that owning one or more T-Shirt Hell products actually raises the value of your 401k by a minimum of 25%? Were you aware that buying 3 or more T-Shirt Hell shirts at once will actually secure for you the most important seat in the White House? (Member id: barackoutwmcockout44, Name: Barack Obama, Address: Chicago, IL, 3 shirts purchased, November 1st, 2008) Thanks B, we "hope" you're enjoying your "I'd Rather Be Snorting Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass" tee, your "I Shaved My Balls For This?" hoodie, and quite fittingly, your "Sorry About What Happens Later" ringer. Oh, the irony.
What I'm trying to say is this...our shirts are the key to fixing this economy and to getting people back on track. You don't need to thank me because I can feel the gratitude emanating from around the world at this very moment. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling. You're welcome.
Now that you know we're not going anywhere, I'd like to take a moment to address something. My feelings on what we do and why we do it are best summarized in this excellent piece by Jacob, one of the writers here at TSH. But the main point I wanted to reiterate is that there is no hatred/intention behind what we do. None. Zero. Zilch. We make stupid jokes for the sake of comedy, nothing more. We enjoy it, our customers enjoy it and my mom enjoys it. No one else matters.
There will always be extremists who think we're doing something to tarnish the world and who will fight passionately against us because they misinterpret our actions. I just don't care anymore...and am willing to risk my life (and you can even try to win $50,000 by guessing when and how I get murdered) for the cause. What's the cause again, exactly? Oh, I don't fucking know....to be allowed to make retarded jokes without people taking them so seriously? To have the right to take something that has been a source of pain for so many and to turn it upside down and into a preposterous joke on a t-shirt? Something like that.
Since, I'm taking a moment to be genuine (yup, I actually just wrote that out), I want to thank all the people who sent us positive emails over the last 3 weeks. It would take months to answer them all, so, right now I'll just send out a collective "YOU KICK FUCKING ASS AND I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU ALL" and say thank you for your support and your loyalty. I would NEVER take something away from you that you seem to enjoy so much. Times are tough enough right now and the least we can do is try to make you laugh and help you get through it...seriously.
Since I have you here and you've made it this far, allow me to touch on a few other items:
1. I'd like to thank all the feminist bloggers whose articles about how misogynistic we are helped generate tons of sales from their readers who actually enjoy what we do.
2. My legal name is Sunshine Megatron, not Aaron Schwarz...and I'm not Jewish (not saying I wouldn't like to be, I'm just not). Schwarz is not even my father's last name, it's my mom's husband before my father...and it's German. For all those who would like to know my actual background, in order to make jokes at my expense, I will say that I am 4 out of 6 of these possibilities; Black, Irish, Polish, Italian, Yugoslavian, Gay Robot. Have at it.
3. For those who think I've done something like this before, you're wrong. When I originally took down Worse Then Hell back in 2005, it was because someone tried to kill me in response to some of our shirts and we took the section down to protect employees. It legitimately happened and was not a publicity stunt. My current employees are not worried about this kind of thing (thank the economy?), so this is why we're bringing it back.
4. To the entrepreneurs who thought we were actually going out of business and that they would be able to fill the void by starting their own offensive t-shirt companies and to all the existing companies who got their panties wet because it suddenly was going to be their chance to shine. Hahahaha! Sorry, guys. Feel free to bring it on, but remember..the cream always rises to the top...of my dick.
5. The 10% off sale is still on for one more week.
Welcome back to everyone and I hope you enjoy the final 9 shirts I'm bringing back from the vault and a new blog entry from Jesus himself. We've gotten so many email comments over the last 3 weeks that we will never be able to get to them, so if you want to say something, just do it in the comments right below this message. Hold on to your seats, the ride to hell is bumpy.
Comments (811) - View Comments
To read the original going out of business page, click here.