I'm aware there are other ways to get attention, but are those ways more effective? The fact that you took the time to send this email answers that. If you had seen an ad which read "Our shirts will tickle your funny bone and that's just super!" it wouldn't have resonated at all.

So we chose to take a cheap shot at the mentally handicapped and here we are, getting attention without any real effort. Plus, that ad serves as a further reminder that being retarded is a truly awful thing and should not be tolerated in modern society.

Why are people like you (chimp-brained bitches who only serve to fuel the hate you wish to stifle) always telling people like me (angry but always correct assholes) to take time to think about what we're doing? You think 24 hours of mulling things over is going to plummet my brain into the tard-swamp where your brain is king? Not happening. If anything, taking time to consider what I'm doing only steels my resolve to mock everything you consider to be decent or proper.

Okay, I'm done. Just wanted to let you know your attempts to police morality are useless. Now I'm off to pour raw eggs and buttermilk all over a class of special ed kids. They think it's a game so they just sit there and take it. They're like the human version of kittens.

In a word (and a curse word), fuck no. It's nothing personal (although I'm sure you're a tool), it's just that protesting, no matter the issue or circumstance, is the lowest form of social activism. Scratch that - it's the lowest form of all human activity. Yes, even worse than bestiality or watching anything on E! that isn't The Soup.

Protesters are nothing more than glorified bums. Self-glorified, but glorified nonetheless. But at least bums provide the service of allowing me to alleviate some guilt by tossing loose change on their patch of sidewalk. Protesters don't even do that. They're just useless oxygen thieves that are an assault on the eyes AND ears.

This email is a good example of the problem with protesters. He's asking us to pony up for something he is 100% responsible for. "I like to bitch and moan, but I want other people to do the actual work of running things. 2 - 4 - 6 - 8... Can somebody think of a rhyme for me? Fuck it, I got my attention. Let the goddamn seals die."

That said, I would gladly reconsider if you remove the 'non' from 'nonviolent' and switch 'peaceful' over to 'whiskey-induced.' Or, better yet, just put a trashcan where you were planning on sitting and sleep in. If you ask nicely, I'm sure the people who would've seen you protesting will grant you the courtesy of rolling their eyes at it. Enough of this. I'm going back to my comfy spot in the machine.

You're right; the way I used to call people "dripping cuntbags" was so much more sophisticated than the way I do it now. I'm afraid that, like every other asshole who heaps too much praise on the things he enjoys, you've been forced to confront the idea that maybe I wasn't that great to begin with.

But that won't do, because it suggests you were once wrong. So instead you conclude that I'M the one who now sucks because surely you were never stupid enough to worship something that was only kinda funny.

Let this be a lesson to anyone else out there who plans on admiring or respecting someone: the most brilliant human in mankind's history still has a human brain. Heed that information, lest you become another douche who thinks pre-Black Album Metallica and pre-Annie Hall Woody are magnificent and post-Black Album Metallica and post-Annie Hall Woody fucking sucks.

If you think the point I'm making here is that there is little difference between mankind at its best and at its worst... well, you're right. Except for this response. This is fucking amazing! But my next response is going to blow.

Truth be told, our sales have skyrocketed ever since Arizona proposed the law you're referring to. Probably because our shipping center no longer has to worry about illegals stealing our shirts and using them as hairnets or diapers for the latest batch of Mexi-Gremlins their women folk squeezed out of the twenty spots on their bodies they got wet.

I'm kidding, of course. I could give a shit about illegals. Do I hate them? Sure. I just don't want to imply that I make a distinction between them and any other group of assholes that need a swift genociding. I suppose I'm paraphrasing "I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally" there, but what can I say, sometimes lazy cliches have staying power for a reason.

That's the problem with judging based on genuine idiocy instead of meaningless superficiality. Yes, the opportunistic assholes who help destroy the very society which affords them a better life deserve to be tossed out; but at the same time, the lazy white fucks wallowing in Western excess without ever considering what makes it possible deserve the unhappiness created by these illegals. It's a bit of a conundrum.

Either way, I won't be taking a stand. I could condone or condemn Arizona's new law, but either of those actions would require me to do something I absolutely refuse to do: give a shit about any of you assholes. Thanks for your email. Now show me your papers or get back to your donkey show!

The customer is always right. Especially when the customer is a nimphomaniac..